


i'm coming home to you

by littlelooneyluna



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Childhood Sweethearts, Gen, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Self-Harm, Sweet Home Alabama AU, estranged lovers, husbands from afar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-22
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2019-01-04 05:06:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 49,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12162144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelooneyluna/pseuds/littlelooneyluna
Summary: Robert has it all. He's got the fiancé and he's grown accustom to the lifestyle she leads. The future is looking bright. There's only one catch, he's married, and he's got to travel all the way back to his old village to try and get a divorce.





	i'm coming home to you

**Author's Note:**

> IT IS FINALLY HERE 
> 
> GO ENJOY AND CRY AND SMILE EVENTUALLY LOL

Robert's staring at himself in the mirror and not being ashamed to admit he likes what he sees. He’s wearing a three piece black suit, he's got these fancy cufflinks on and something in his hair which is making it look even more styled than usual.

He can feel the ring in his pocket and it serves as a reminder of what's to come. Robert smirks, almost sees the money bags forming around his eyes if he thinks hard enough really.

There's a loose piece of thread hanging from his waistcoat and it's annoying so he tugs hard and watches it fall. It's easy, getting what he wants, maybe too easy but he doesn't want to dwell on that.

The sound of a glass clinking downstairs pulls him back to what he really needs to focus on. Chrissie White. His darling, soon to be fiancé who he genuinely does have feelings for, in a sort of way he doesn't want to have to sit down and describe. He loves her and it's enough, it's always been enough when you consider everything else he's getting. It's a sweet deal, pushing a ring down on her finger and saying some vows.

It gets him a house, a stake in a business, a wife who will actually try her hardest to please him as much as she can considering the cock up of her last marriage and the insanity of her son who they don't talk about anymore. He's in some special boarding school in Poland and Robert has to try not to find it fucking hilarious every time Chrisse decides to have her monthly cry into the satin sheets about failing him. As if she forced him to touch a drunk woman all over and get charged with sexual assault.

He doesn't understand that, her guilt over things she cannot even control. It's ridiculous.

The clock in the corner of the bedroom makes Robert's jaw clench, tense a little and shake his head. It's nearly twelve and usually that doesn't mean anything but it's New Years Eve and he should be expecting some cheesy message from Vic about seeing each other more often despite her still being in that poxy village and him actually making something of himself in London.

He misses her, he's not too proud to admit that. He misses aspects of a whole life he once led but as soon as he does he realises why he left, why he had to leave and it's enough to make him forget it all. He's managed to have this great ability of blacking out entire dates in his mind, ones that should hold some importance. It's a life saver, literally, because he can't imagine being one of those people who carry around sadness and guilt and _regret_ over their past.

"Are you planning on hiding up here all night then?"

He hears the voice and registers it without even looking up. He knows that voice, he knows it's flirtatious tone which has long been abandoned by her sister. It's Rebecca White. Something makes Robert rolls his eyes because he knows he's probably going to have to hurt her and he could do without the hassle of it all really. So they have causal sex, quite hasty and manic yet not filled with as much heat as he would like. The last time it happened he literally just bent her over a basin and tried to block out her eager shrieking as she clearly enjoyed herself.

He has to tell her that it's happening, that he's getting engaged to her sister and he doesn't know how exactly she's going to react. He thinks about her slapping him and it suddenly annoys him because if she was being honest with herself she knew exactly what she was getting herself into as soon as she snogged his face off at that summer party. She was a flighty thing, that was _always_ her problem, she'd run from her problems, usually to somewhere warm, and Robert would know he's hurt her heart once again.

He doesn't want to. He does like her, she just isn't enough. She isn't where the money is. Rebecca, with her huge hats and the ridiculous beads in her hair, is just too unreliable to even consider marrying and he certainly doesn't love her enough to do what tossers do and marry for love.

The thought makes him smirk and then he has to turn to her, she looks beautiful in that sort of young, naïve way about her and he smiles.

"No, just finishing getting ready." He says, looks back at the mirror like he has to look at himself again and then he's watching her coming closer, he feels the glitter in her dress bring her closer towards him and then suddenly he smells her perfume by his neck and yeah she's fucking kissing his neck.

It takes a few seconds to prize her off and then Robert's holding onto her shoulders like she's a four year old who needs telling off or something.

"Bex. What did I say?" He's saying and her eyes are fluttering like she's confused and he sighs. "This, us, it's -"

Rebecca shrugs her shoulders away from Robert's grip and turns towards the mirror, fixes the feather headdress plastered on her forehead and then presses her lips together like she's trying to maintain the red lip she's rocking. She does this, pretends that she's not heard or that she's not bothered and then Robert will find her crying in the gardens or trying to cop off with a random.

So he'll tell her it all now to save her any more tears.

"I'm going to ask Chrissie to marry me tonight." He says, really means a few seconds into the new year but he doubts Rebecca really cares for specifics right now.

He watches her turn, watches an O form in her mouth and the way she nods after a few seconds. "I see." She says, comes closer towards him and then smiles. "Should I be happy for you then?" She's asking, expression suddenly hard and Robert looks away.

It's not hard, none of this really is but it's just frustrating. He can't decide suddenly if the impending engagement even really matters that much to Rebecca or if this is all really a front. He pictures slamming hair against a bathroom wall as the party dies down, ring free from his pocket and a hand cupping her breasts as she still tries to feign indifference. That's the thing with Bex, she tries to make out she's good when she isn't really. Chrissie owns her demons whilst Rebecca tries to hire them out for hours on end. It's why she never really looks at home with herself, maybe it's why she's so attracted to someone who wears the demons right on their sleeve without a care in the world.

"I don't get why you're taking this so badly." He argues, has a hand out and frowns at her. "You know I'm with her, you know I love her and - okay now I see a future with her too." It's not exactly lying, but he sees that Rebecca doesn't quite believe him and it frustrates him more than anything else.

Rebecca turns to leave and then Robert holds her tightly by the wrist, he fucking hears the damn hitching of her breath and the passion running through her and it's just so easy. "Nothing's changed you know." He says, lies really, voice like gravel as he bends down towards her and watches her eyes flutter again.

"Of course it has. She's going to be your wife." She hisses out, still _letting_ Robert hold onto her wrist and not even attempting to move herself away. She likes it. She loves this.

And all Robert has to say is: "Well she's not my wife yet."

It makes Rebecca roll her eyes fucking playfully and then she's kissing his cheek, pressing her red lips against his skin and smiling as she walks back towards the door and back down the stairs leaving Robert with a mark of her like it means a damn thing.

 

 

::

 

 

Everyone is old so no one really jumps up and down like teenagers when the countdown begins. Like every year Robert is plagued suddenly with thoughts about his old life and what he used to. He spends the whole year trying his hardest to block it all out and then spends literally ten seconds thinking about it all.

He remembers a cricket pavilion. He remembers cans of beer. He remembers laughing. He remembers jumping into a car and screaming at the top of his voice as he drove somewhere. He remembers losing someone and it crushing at his gut over and over again.

"Happy new year darling." Chrissie is hanging on him, her dress is that little more expensive than Rebecca's and it manages to cement something in Robert's mind. He knows he's picked the right one, knows with a arrogant confidence that he had the fucking choice, still does really.

He kisses her, can't believe how short those ten seconds actually were and then he's holding her hand, leading her outside into the gardens where fireworks are being fired and Lawrence is enjoy a tipple with some old friends, or lovers, it's hard to tell with him.

He's down on one knee before Chrissie can say anything and he instantly regrets it, the grass is wet and this suit is expensive.

"Chrissie White, would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?" He's not even practiced it, just thought it would be said on a whim and it pays off because she's pulling hands over her mouth and nodding her head and then dragging him up to his feet so she can kiss him.

She tastes like appetisers and champagne. She tastes expensive basically and for a second, Robert looks out towards the night sky, watches it become decorated with pink fireworks and then he's thinking about his father.

He'd be proud, he thinks, because despite not being a farmer like the ridiculously boring other son, he was making something of himself finally.

He is hardly a disappointment anymore.

 

 

::

 

 

The thing is, Robert's convinced himself life is pretty fucking great now and it's mad.

Rebecca's managed to hug her sister and congratulate her and then talk about fancying a holiday in Crete to escape the January blues and Robert is thankful.

He thinks about giving her some money but then decides against it, watches her scowl at him as he pats through his blazer in search of some. She still manages to call him 'Roberto Sugden' before she goes though and Robert manages not to laugh at her dramatics.

So she isn't the problem, and neither is Lawrence who doesn't have enough of a problem with Robert to genuinely be annoyed by this engagement. He says something awkwardly average about Robert looking after his girl and Robert doesn't even bat a fucking eyelid.

There's one problem though, it's a niggling one, pressed so far back in his mind that it's hardly there at all.

He thinks about it as he sits down on his office chair and tries to think about a way out of the mess he's created himself. The mess no one knows about. Not Chrissie, not Rebecca or Lawrence, not even Vic.

Before he can do anything about it, someone's ringing him and he has to bite back irritation just before he says hello.

It's Vic and somehow she manages to make him settle and sit up at exactly the same time.

"Hey, I - haven't heard from you for ages." He says, gets in there first so that he doesn't feel even worse when she chastises him over something or other.

It turns out that it's over the lack of a New Years text and he has to roll his eyes as she bangs on about family, and having to keep everyone together despite their differences. It almost sounds rehearsed, like she's reading off a sheet of paper but then he's hearing a voice in the background, booming and loud and he knows it's Adam's. The twat just has this wild ability of rubbing Robert up the wrong way with his dopey laugh and lack of drive to do literally anything with his life apart from drink beer and hang off his sister.

"Yeah well, I've got lots to tell you about." He says, presses the phone further towards his ear before attempting to rummage through the drawers of the desk. He reaches as far as he can and then hears Vic ask him what he's actually talking about. He has to pretend he hasn't heard her for a few seconds as he pulls out a stack of letters addressed to him, addressed back to him and he sighs hard.

"How about I tell you in person?" Robert says, a hand pressing over the letters and then quickly pulling one open, staring hard at the divorce papers and then scrunching one up in his hand angrily. "I fancy a trip down memory lane."

Like a fucking hole in the head.

 

 

::

 

 

He gets lucky. Of course he does.

Chrissie is having a bad week, generally missing her psycho son and has this wild urge to go and see how he is getting on.

Of course she wants Robert to come along with her, but she's in such a state that his promise of joining her out there in a few days seems to suffice.

"I just want him to know I still care." And Robert hates this part of her, it makes everything a lot harder suddenly but beneath the jewels and the diamonds and the shows, she has a heart and it's protective and loving.

"He does know." Robert says, he's watching her pack away her things as he stands by the door and thinks about telling her where he's going himself. He said it was a business trip up north and she just believed him blindly without even raising an eyebrow. He thought about doing the right thing, just telling her the truth but then she'd only want to know he couldn't wait until she was back so that they could visit his darling family together.

Because basically she hasn't got a clue and Robert likes to keep it that way.

"I promise I'll be there as soon as I can." He lies, because he can, because it's easy.

 

 

::

 

 

He's in his fanciest car, suitcase in the boot and wind running through his hair.

He feels likes he's got this covered, feels like he's going to leave the stupid village a new man somehow.

He'll be a free man. The thought makes him smirk and then he's not, then he's thinking about it all and he feels sick because he hadn't allowed himself to really get bogged down by the past and the mistakes he had made when he was young and dumb and convinced himself to live for the moment.

Robert sees the sign before he wants to.

Emmerdale bloody village.

It's dirtier, looks rugged and he hates it more than he used to.

But he drives through, because Vic is waiting for him and he needs to face the mess he made all those years ago head on. He can't run from it anymore, not now he's engaged, not now he's actually getting _married_.

The village is still a quaint little thing, void of any colour except for beige and the green plants which are scattered around the place and Robert wants to turn right round. He can feel people staring at the unfamiliar car and it's almost painfully embarrassing for all of them. The little busy bodies who have literally nothing else to do with their day apart from gossip about The Strange Blonde In The Silver Car.

He parks it up right outside Vic's and smiles as she opens the door to greet him. Her little cottage is just that, little, like everything else is and he suddenly misses the sound of traffic he's used to in London. He's fucking sick of knowing all about the birds tweeting in the trees already.

She squeezes his frame and he has to bend down so that she gets the majority of him. He has a hand on her back and rubs slowly, for a second or so he stays that way, just closing his eyes and holding her and then he feels like a prick for getting so sentimental about everything. But she smells like biscuits and lemonade and it doesn't take long for him to see his mother telling him to come inside for his tea and he hates himself.

"I can't actually believe your back." Victoria's got a hand on her hip, she's wearing this yellow cardigan and has a towel over her shoulder and she looks so much like a little wife it's scary. She's so young, should be dancing the night away not making her brother tea and biscuits upon his arrival.

Bless her, he thinks, only sees his mother as she smiles at him.

Robert just nods, digs a hand into his jean pocket and then shrugs his shoulders. It's suddenly hot and he can't cope with his leather jacket on anymore but he keeps it on all the same. "Yeah well, I said I had a lot to talk to you about."

He doesn't really. Vic knows he's been with Chrissie for nearly two years, she knows that they've done the whole going on holiday and not wanting to throttle each other test, she knows that Robert's involved with the business. All she needs to know is that he's finally popped the question. It's not that exciting but he'll make out it is. He can hadn't tell her the real reason why he's back can he?

Before Vic can say anything Adam is walking out and he's got his hands on her waist fucking shamelessly. He's like a grizzly bear who needs to be injected with something and Robert just stares at him, tries to stare him down and it works because Adam's suddenly pulling himself off of Vic and nodding his head at Robert.

"You alright mate?" Adam's asking and he's got a frown on his face the way he always does, as if he's making out as though he's genuinely concerned for Robert's wellbeing.

"Great." He says, he's not going to bother asking how Adam is, he really isn't so instead he's squinting, "Now I smell biscuits so ..." He watches Vic predictably grab his hand and pull him towards the cottage. "Adam you wouldn't mind?" He's saying, chucking Adam his keys and looking towards the boot.

The village idiot can carry his bags in.

The house is just as dainty, as god awful decor but Vic keeps blaming it on Betty despite her owning the house for nearly a year.

"So how comes darling Chrissie hasn't joined ya?" There's bite in Vic's voice and Robert let's it be there, he knows what she really thinks. She'd got drunk one night and rang him out of the blue, started banging on about her family being his family now and had obviously come to the conclusion that Chrissie had taken her brother from her. And it was ridiculous, considering the fact that it wasn't like that really.

It was Chrissie who wanted to see the famous Sugden's, it was Chrissie who wanted to go back to the village Robert was born in.

He just didn't want to bring her here. It was as if you were bringing a iPhone with you into a time machine and travelling back to the 1920's. It was like mixing oil with water. In short, it just wouldn't work.

"She's visiting Lachlan." Robert says.

"Is he the messed up kid?" Adam says and Robert just stares at him hard, doesn't even blink and then he's rolling his eyes.

"Yeah that's what we call him at home." Robert says dryly, enjoys the way he watches Adam squirm uncomfortably and fight the urge not to apologise. He does in the end and Vic fawns over him like she's grateful and it's ridiculous.

"So," Vic's got a hand on the side of her face and rests it there as Adam potters around the house loudly. "How long you staying here for?"

He genuinely doesn't know the answer. He wants to say days but who knows how difficult it's going to be.

"Not decided yet." He says, oozes confidence as he rests against the chair and then sips at the milky tea Vic has made for him. "I've still got to tell you why I'm actually here." He says with a smile and she is hanging on his every word. He's missed this, missed the way she used to look at him like he was something great.

He goes to speak and then the door is being slammed shut, for a second it startles him and then he's pulling a face as he smells farm and he's only thinking of one person.

"Blimey, he actually showed up then?"

It's Andy.

For a second, he can't turn around. It's stupid really but he's a boy again and Andy's that bit older than him and everything seems unfair in the world because he's being blamed for it all.

"Nice to see you too Andy." He smirks, turns his whole body around and greets him. He's got a beard now, a fully grown one and he's wearing his overalls.

"What did I _say_ about you walking through here smelling like the wrong end of -"

Andy rips his eyes away from Robert and then winces at his sister's nagging. "Alright, alright." He says and then he's going up the stairs, away from sight and there's something heavy setting in Robert's chest already.

"Funny how you forgot to mention he lived here?"

"He doesn't." Vic says quickly and then frowns. "Well he does. Sometimes." She darts a look towards her brother and sighs, "Him and Katie are on a break."

And yeah, Robert can't help but smirk just a little because he refuses to buy into the whole Romeo and Juliet star crossed lovers shit that everyone else seemed to do.

"I'll alert the press." He says dryly before standing and feeling Vic hit his arm.

"You will not. And you won't tease him about it either okay? Just because you've got it made doesn't mean everyone else does."

And yeah, that prickles something in Robert's chest.

 

 

::

 

 

Andy's with his kids and he's doing the whole boring dad routine which Robert is sick to death of hearing about.

He's sent Chrissie a text, told her that it's all going well and that he hopes Lachlan is okay. He doesn't though, he's never felt so indifferent about kid ever in his life.

He's sitting on the sofa, watching the clouds move over the sky and he's long since abandoned his leather jacket which is hanging on the door.

"How about we go to the pub? I'm sure your darling public are bound to want to see ya." Vic says, pats at her brother's leg and he rolls his eyes. "I've spread the word."

"What Jimmy and Nicola and Bob and whoever he's decided to marry now." He says dryly and Adam laughs, full on cackles like he's having a fit or something.

Robert doesn't like how Adam sort of gets his humour sometimes, he prefers the vacant expression.

" _Diane_ is in the pub." Vic says, and Robert knows he has to go now, knows that Vic won't just give up. "You can play darts with Adam." She says, scratches at her arm and Robert can't think of anything worse and it shows on his face apparently.

Adam's too much of a goof ball to take it seriously.

"I'll play n'all. Invite Aaron, make up the numbers and we can do best buds vs siblings." She's such an excitable thing and her words nearly get lost as she speaks but then Robert's latching on and he can't fucking let go.

"He might be busy." Adam's saying and then Vic says something and all he can hear is voices dancing on top of his mind and squeezing the life out of him.

"Robert?"

He must have missed her words because Vic looks all annoyed at him and Robert just stares at her.

"You remember Aaron right?" She's asking and Robert nods very slowly, watches her look towards Adam. "Him and Rob were as thick as thieves at one point." She frowns, looks awkward. "You know, before you left." She finishes, looks back at Robert.

"Didn't know that." Adam frowns, and it's painfully clear that Aaron has done his best job to forget him just as much as Robert has.

"Yeah well, we were just stupid kids back then." Robert blurts out, hastily, finds himself playing with his watch and gulping hard. "I haven't seen him for what? Nearly seven years."

Vic rolls her eyes. "Alright settle down." She teases, gets up to fix her hair or put some lipstick on or something and Robert stays where he is, waits until Adam is saying that Aaron's working and only then he's nodding.

 

 

::

 

 

Turns out that the pub is exactly the same as it was before. The only difference is Chas is behind the bar alongside Diane and Chairty.

"Blimey." Chas says, voice flat but she's itching to raise an eyebrow because it's clear that she's surprised by Robert's presence and he revels in the attention he gets. He soaks it in like some King.

"Nice to see you Chastity." Robert tilts his head and then turns to Adam and Vic, "Just their usual and a pint for me." He says and then he's looking at Diane and something warm spreads across his chest.

She's coming from around the bar and hugging him, calling him _pet_ about five times before she's pulling away. She's saying that she's missed him and he tries to believe she has but it's hard. It's really hard considering the fact that they were like ships in the night. Diane was never really a replacement for his mum like she was for Andy and Vic. He'd missed the warmth and the love she offered, he'd been denied that as soon as he was packing his bags and leaving.

So he doesn't expect her to fake affection but when he looks at her, her eyes are filled with softness and she looks so pleased to see him and he falters for a second. There's a genuine smile on his face and it wants to stick around.

"God, how long are you here for then?" Diane's saying, eyes glued to Robert as Adam and Vic try and find somewhere to sit.

Robert shrugs, "Not that long." He hopes. "Just wanted to see you all." He looks up and Charity is staring at him, looks shocked by how well he's turned out, he reckons. "Never thought I'd see you slumming it behind a bar like this, times hit you hard?" He winces playfully and enjoys the way it makes Chas smirk but then she's hard again like she has to be mean to him.

He sort of knows why, something prickles through him and he knows why.

"Well, I'm waiting for my dashing prince to whisk me away. Mr. Money bags hasn't come knocking yet." She says, hand on her hip and a playful look on her face. "You must be waiting for one too."

Robert scoffs, "What a sugar daddy?"

"No. A daft rich little thing to marry. Why else would you be here?" Charity asks, and Diane is staring at Robert like she is wondering the same thing.

He didn't want to tell them about the engagement until the mess was sorted out but he certainly doesn't want them all thinking he's travelled back for them to take pity on.

"To tell you all I already have one." Robert smirks out and Diane's eyes widen. "I don't think she'd appreciate you calling her that but -"

Charity frowns, suddenly disinterested but then Diane's even more animated and she's calling Vic over.

"So wait? You're - you're actually engaged?" Vic's blurting out, can't help herself as she speaks and waits for Robert to confirm it.

He feels all eyes on him and goes to open his mouth, then the door is being swung open and -

Aaron's standing there, older, taller, but with the same innocent look about him and Robert gulps hard.

"Yeah. It's true. I'm getting married." He says, admits and feels Vic crush him with a hug despite her not even liking Chrissie all that much.

And -

Robert doesn't miss the look on Aaron's face.

 

 

::

 

 

He's back on the sofa, he's come back to Vic's earlier than anyone else because he's lied about face timing with Chrissie and wanting some privacy.

It sort of hurts how no one even questioned it, because it's painfully true that he hates face time more than anything else in the world.

It hurts even more considering only Aaron pulled a face. After an awful re-introduction like they didn't used to know every inch of each other.

_[ "Aaron, can you believe this one is actually settling down?" Vic's saying, practically pushing Aaron towards Robert and then smiling. "You do remember -"_

_And for a second, the pub is busy and everyone is chatting away yet Robert almost feels frozen in time and the only thing he can see is Aaron's face, Aaron's feet shuffling, Aaron's head falling and then raising and then the small smile on his face._

_"Never would have thought it." Aaron's saying, voice deeper than it used to be, hair longer. "Congrats though." His voice is so tight and Robert just has to nod his head at him. ]_

That's why he couldn't stick around.

He's just thinking, and he hates fucking thinking like this but he is. The lights are off and he's got his phone in his hand, he's contemplating giving Chrissie a ring and asking how she is but he hasn't even checked if there's a time difference in Poland.

It makes something inside him feel almost _bad_ and he knows why. It's because he's seen Aaron. The angel who never got his fucking wings and it's a joke.

It's pathetic because Aaron was the thug, Aaron was the bloke he smashed in Andy's window, he was the one who always used his fists. But still, _still_ , he was always the good one.

"Thought I heard you come in." Andy's saying, he's coming into the dark room and his silhouette is almost menacing by the door but then he slouches forward and it's such a dopey little gesture that Robert can't help but rolls his eyes.

"Just finished face timing Chrissie." Robert raises his phone and then drops it back on his lap as Andy comes closer and then nods. He's just standing there and then he's gulping like he's trying to get something out. "You going to spit it out or -"

"Heard you're engaged then." Andy says and fuck Robert's forgot how fast word travels in the village.

Robert shuffles up a little on the sofa and nods. "Go on." He says flatly and Andy looks all confused so there's nothing new there really. "So you're not going to try and say something smart about news of my engagement then?"

Andy nearly smiles and then he rolls his eyes. "I've grown up Rob." He looks at Robert hard. "One of us had to." And Robert expects bite in his voice but it isn't there, instead there's this fondness, _almost_ fondness.

Robert raises an eyebrow, "That's way too profound for you." He counters, can't help himself. "Considering you spend your days talking to sheep and kids." He misses out Katie's name and it all just hangs in the air.

Robert's suddenly thankful that it's dark, that the curtains are drawn and there's shadows around the room.

"I know Vic told you." Andy says, clears his throat and then gulps again like he's finding it hard to breathe.

"Is this the part where we sit and have a chat about it?" Robert practically winces and then he feels Andy shuffling towards the door and he regrets his words. "Andy -"

"Like I talk to you about Katie." Andy snaps and then he's charging up the stairs before Robert can say anything else at all.

And a part of him is thankful he's gone.

 

 

::

 

 

Vic's got a hand on her hip and she's banging on about making Robert pancakes despite him repeatedly telling her that he doesn't want any.

When he comes down the stairs, Vic stares at him and smiles. "You can't go around the village wearing that."

Robert frowns, he's wearing a suit and he doesn't understand the problem. "Why not?"

"Because Kerry and Dan will think you're a bailiff or something." She says, not even looking up but her shoulders vibrate so it's obviously funny to her and that's all that matters really.

Robert rolls his eyes and then sighs. "Whatever, look I'm off out okay?" He goes towards the door and then feels Vic stop him.

"Out where?" She's asking, and Robert doesn't want to give her the actual answer so he lies.

"About." He says vaguely, "And anyway, I need to make a few phone calls and I'd rather not do it with Adam's awful singing in the background."

Because Adam's a full on shower singer and treats the fifteen minutes he spends in there like he's in an X Factor audition or something.

Vic takes the excuse and lets him go on his way without saying anything else.

Robert stands in the middle of the village and feels almost lost. It's like the only place he knows where to go is towards the pub, he'll have a pint before he goes to see him.

But he doesn't get the chance to because Aaron's sitting there already, in the corner of the pub with his feet up like he owns the place. Okay so Chas does, but it doesn't matter.

"Long time no see." Robert says, digs a hand in his pocket and watches Aaron raise his head slowly. He hardly changes expression, like seeing Robert has no effect on him anymore. "I think it's about time we talk don't you?"

Aaron scratches at his eyebrow and Robert can't help the way he looks at him. He's grown out a beard, after all their chats about him not being able to. He's changed, he's more recluse and Robert knows that just by staring at him. His eyes are the same though, they haven't changed even in the slightest.

"No. No I don't." Aaron says lowly, looks back down towards the table and then he's rocking his leg up and down like he's getting agitated. "So why don't you do one." He fires and yeah, Robert's taken aback by the way Aaron storms past him and heads towards the exit because he was pretty okay playing darts with Adam last night.

His new best pal.

Robert practically feels the wind against his neck as Aaron whizzes past and he probably should let him go and cool off but he doesn't. He's following him instead.

"Yeah I would Aaron but the thing is I sort of can't can I?" Robert's charging after Aaron, trying to ignore how god awful his jacket is, it looks like some weird bin liner has been chucked over his body.

Aaron stops, like he doesn't want to actually look at Robert and there's this tenseness which travels through Robert as he waits.

"And we both know why." Robert says, takes a step further and then rolls his eyes as Aaron turns around to him dramatically slowly. He was always good at making Robert feel like absolute shit with his morals and his big heart and his kinds ways.

Nearly seven years later and he still has this same effect on him. It'd maddening, enough to make Robert feel almost frightened.

Aaron squints, comes closer and shakes his head. "I don't want to talk about it."

And yeah, Robert just doesn't get it.

"Well tough." He says, "Meet me in the barn at four. Don't be late." He practically orders and then he's watching Aaron turn away from him as his heart feels something funny.

It makes him call Chrissie and lie some more and then everything is settled again.

 

 

::

 

 

Aaron's late, of course he's late and Robert's sitting on one of the rolls of hay silently hoping it doesn't ruin his jeans.

For a second, just the briefest of seconds he thinks about how he used to be. He'd happily lay flat against the hay and spend hours staring up at the ceiling, in awe of how beautiful life could be.

And then his mother died and everything went wrong.

Robert hears the door before he sees Aaron standing there, bold as fucking brass suddenly.

"Can we get this over with?" Aaron's saying, like _he's_ been the one waiting.

Robert steps forward and sighs before pulling out the letters, they're folded in half and he presses them down with his hand as he feels Aaron tensing all over. "I've wanted to. For seven whole years now."

Robert raises his head and there's this terrible flicker on Aaron's face which Robert regrets noticing.

"Whatever." Aaron says, and he's a teenager again, kicking off, closing in on himself because he doesn't know what else to say and Robert can read him like an open book for a few seconds. He relishes in the way he looks at Aaron, this strapping bloke who's got all this stuff to give someone if he really wants to and then he's watching Aaron's head drip awkwardly and a hand come up to scratch at his eyebrow.

He always used to do that, when he was unsure.

"You didn't need to make it so hard." Robert tells Aaron, "You could have just signed the papers and forgot we ever -"

"Got married." Aaron says bluntly and it's clearly hard for him to get out. It's pushed from somewhere deep down inside him and it churns Robert's stomach. "It's not something you just _forget_."

Robert's eyes widen, sometimes, only sometimes, he remembers how mad they were. How ridiculously stupid two boys had been when they'd decided it was actually something they should do.

Back when Robert was a lanky shit with problems. Back when Aaron was a grumpy git with problems.

They seemed to find each other, do that awful thing where they grew madly attached to each other and - one thing led to another and another -

"Yeah." Robert drops his head, feels hear rising up inside him and it lands on his face, pouring over his cheeks and making it hard to speak properly. " _That_." He says, because he's dissociated himself from that wild fumble of emotions, that insane feeling of calling Aaron 'Mr. Sugden' and laughing his head off as they rolled down hills and promised to always be like that. Happy.

Aaron gulps hard. "You couldn't have wanted to get them signed that bad if you didn't even come here in person with them before now."

And yeah maybe Robert was trying to wait a while but that's only because he knew he couldn't do anything until a year at least.

"Or, I just moved on with my life." He says, feels Aaron staring hard at him and something breaks in his chest without him wanting it to.

Aaron clears his throat, "Clearly." He says, eyes all over the navy suit that Robert is wearing. And yeah, Aaron pulls him back so far that it almost hurts. He makes him think of what he was like when he was younger and he doesn't want to go there again. He doesn't want to be _here_ again either.

"Thought only tossers wore suits in the middle of the day?"

And Aaron seems to remember everything. It's like he's stuck in the past or something and Robert hates him for it. It's like he's not forgotten a single conversation and it's creepy.

"I'm not here for a catch up." Robert says, puffs out a sigh. "Or to have you make me feel -"

Aaron frowns and then tilts his head. "Feel what?" He says, almost like he knows, almost like he can feel the tension and doesn't mind how it keeps rising and rising in the room.

Robert feels himself being backed in a corner and he struggles against the feeling because this is Aaron. The Dingle boy who used to follow Cain around like a mad man. The dope who used to speak about the world like it was his to conquer. The naive fool who managed to mean something, too much of _everything_ at some point in Robert's life.

When he was just as young and dumb.

"Just _sign_ the papers Aaron." Robert nearly explodes, feels everything become too much suddenly and he watches Aaron just stare at him.

He used to be able to know everything about the boy. His mood, his feelings, his fears, but now he just looks like a blank canvas and Robert doesn't own the paint colours anymore.

"Or what Robert?" Aaron snaps, "What's a high flyer like you going to do about it?" He's angry, that's clear, but there's something behind his eyes and Robert tries to figure it out but he can't.

Instead he just looks at Aaron and realises how much he's stayed the same.

He's got the same black hoodies, same jeans, same fucking trainers.

"Grow up Aaron." Robert bites, feels the months between them stretch out into years in front of his eyes and suddenly Aaron is just the same childish lad he once was, one Robert hasn't got the time for anymore.

It manages to make something flicker over Aaron's face, hurt, anger, regret.

No, it's just _anger_.

"What like you have?" Aaron says, comes too close. "Because under all that posh cologne and the expensive suits, I reckon you're still just the same boy who was scared of being alone."

And it hurts more than it should but Aaron knows exactly _where_ to hurt doesn't he? After all these years, after so many flings and fuck ups, _Aaron_ still gets right to it and makes Robert have to stagger back.

Robert wants to return the favour but nothing comes out, instead he's finding it hard to breathe right and anyway -

"This barn still fucking stinks."

And that's a good enough excuse to leave.

 

 

::

 

 

He's in the small single bed round Vic's and he feels like a giant because his feet are sticking out of it.

He's been back for two days and he's already thinking about what it felt like to leave the first time round. It wasn't easy.

He remembers looking up at the hotel window and crying, wanting to throw a stone or something and let him know, convince him to come along. To run away.

It's the last time he really cried, like sobbed at the side of the road in the middle of the night cried.

For a second Robert feels his chin wobble and then he gets himself a grip and he's telling Chrissie he loves her and just hearing her voice manages to sort him out and make him even more determined to get this fucking divorce.

 

::

 

 

"How's Lachlan then?" Vic's asking him questions at eight in the morning and he's not mentally prepared himself for them all yet. So he just looks at her for a few seconds and then shrugs.

Chrissie's said that he's withdrawn, that she thinks he should come home and Robert is _not_ having that for a second.

"As well as can be expected I suppose." He says, tries to manage a slice of toast and then sighs. "He's not ill you know." He tells her, bites back the part where he says 'well not physically' but Vic didn't need to know about his future son in law's scandalously sick past.

Vic stops pottering around for just a second and she has a hand on her hip as she looks at him. He feels something coming and he knows to drop his head, knows that he doesn't want her to see his immediate response to her words.

"You kept getting up last night, couldn't you sleep?"

And yeah, he couldn't sleep.

His mind was plagued with memories and it was eating away at him until the sun was rising and he decided to just give up all hope of actually getting some sleep.

"Yeah. No, something about the quiet village maybe." Robert lies, "You can hear everything here at night." And it's true, but it's not what kept him up all night.

No, it was fucking Aaron Dingle banging on about Robert's deepest fear and really ruining the mood.

Vic raises an eyebrow and then she's leaning against the counter. "And you can't in London?" She says and Robert is already tired of the conversation but he keeps it up for a little while until he's hearing Adam come down the stairs and Vic is kissing him on the mouth and Robert is trying to figure out where to put his face for a few seconds.

"You sure you're going to be alright up there on your own? When's your mum actually back?"

Adam shrugs out a reply, "Aaron's helping me up there so I won't be alone. Besides, Andy's still working mornings."

Robert lifts his head at Aaron's name. He needs to make him listen, make him really understand that he needs to just get over himself and sign the divorce papers so they can move on properly.

Because none of it was actually real was it? They were tipsy and merry and high off the feeling of something they couldn't describe and they'd actually gone and got married and promised it meant they would always have each other and it sounds _pathetic._

Adam goes and the air is suddenly thicker as Robert tries to bite down something and get it all out at the same time.

"Adam works with Andy?" He tries, "On the farm?" He can't imagine anyone trusting Adam with a fluffy animal let alone a real one. It's almost laughable but then Vic's nodding like it's obvious.

"Yeah, he's got a stake in the place. His mum owns it now. Moira Barton." And Vic is full of information Robert doesn't necessarily need but he indulges her until his tea is cold.

"So Aaron." Robert says, ridiculously to the point. "He works there too?" He asks, tries not to sound interested as he speaks.

"Well yeah, when he can. He works with Cain at the garage." And Robert drops his head because Aaron always wanted to work there, never thought he'd be taken seriously by his uncle. It's almost sad, how small Aaron's dreams were compared to Robert's. It's still the same way, Robert concludes.

Robert nods slowly, fills the silence by tapping a finger against the table and then he's gulping hard.

"Thought you'd be catching up with him or something." Vic says, folds a tea towel over and then scraps the chair back so she can sit down and grill Robert more comfortably.

Robert shrugs. "Haven't really had the chance to." He lies and then Vic squints. "Besides we're different people now Vic." He explains, almost too honestly. "I actually moved away and made something of myself and he - he stuck around here working on a farm with Andy."

And that hurts a lot. More than it should really. But it's Andy, the one everyone fucking preferred and Aaron knew that, he was the one who would stay up all night and listen to Robert bang on about.

_[ "I like you best." Aaron had said, cheeks reddening as he turned towards Robert and smiled._

_Robert couldn't quite believe it, felt the feeling run through his veins before he raised an eyebrow. "Yeah? Out of me and Andy."_

_And then Aaron smiled even wider and rolled his eyes too far back and then punched Robert's arm. "Out of everyone you twat."_

_And butterflies grew in Robert's stomach. ]_

So yeah it almost feels like a betrayal. It would, if he really gave a toss, which he's telling himself he doesn't.

Vic frowns. "Well that's not fair is it? You can hardly compare yourself to Aaron. You've always been different." Robert twitches, knows that they were almost like chalk and cheese to everyone when in reality they were just two lads who needed someone who wouldn't run. " _But_ ," Vic starts playing with her hands. "He's had a pretty rough time of it and still managed to turn out alright."

Robert doesn't doubt that for a second. It's why he can't get his head around the fact that he won't just let Robert be happy, let him move on and start a new life with his fiancé.

"Trust me, he's making something of himself." Vic points her finger at Robert and then she's saying something about getting to work before Marlon steals her special knife and he's lost in it all, doesn't manage to do anything until he hears the door slam shut and it's safe to sit there with his head in his hands dramatically.

 

 

::

 

 

He bites the fucking bullet basically.

And it's hard, being back up to where he used to live but he does it because he really needs Aaron to cooperate and he's just not doing that so far.

When he arrives he can hear Adam cackling and it puts him _right_ off, makes him literally roll his eyes and sigh but then he's watching him walk back to the small house with Andy and Robert springs out of his car hastily.

At least Aaron can have the chance to completely mug him off again in private.

He sees Aaron raking hay in one of the old barns and something becomes lodged in his heart. He looks frighteningly young and he's wearing Robert's old battered green overalls, a black shirt underneath exposes his chest and for a second Robert just stares.

But then Aaron's looking up and Robert has to clear his throat.

"What do you want Robert?" Aaron says, and he's all sweaty and out of breath and if Robert was cocky he'd say that he looks almost embarrassed.

"I think you know the answer to that already." Robert says, stands by the door because there's literally no way in Hell he's getting these shoes mixed in with the filth of a muddy barn in need of a clean.

Aaron just scoffs and then turns his attention back to the hay, more aggressive with his movements.

"See the thing is, it's almost crystal clear that you hate me for what I did so why the hell aren't you just signing it so I can be out of your life for good?" Robert's ugly when he's like this, when he snaps and he hurts and he knows exactly what he's doing.

"You are out of my life for good." Aaron says, hard eyes press right into Robert's face and he doesn't even flinch as he stands there, rake in hand, swear dripping from his brow. "You've been out of my life for seven years now." He explains, like it's obvious.

And it is.

But they were fucking married so -

It shouldn't have made the blindest bit of difference, Robert tells himself.

"Whilst we've been _married_." Robert hisses, closes the farm door shut and risks his shoes being ruined for just a second as he stares at Aaron and then shakes his head. "Look, it's crystal clear -"

"Is that your favourite phrase now yeah?" Aaron snaps back, all heat in his voice and it's horrible to see but Robert fights against it. Aaron's a child, he's always been a fucking child when it came to real problems and Robert is too old for it now.

"What is it you actually want from me?" Robert asks, face harsh and a frown forming as lines appear on his forehead and show his age. It's a question he spent all of last night thinking about.

Aaron doesn't answer, just runs a hand through his hair and sighs. He's suddenly old, all heavy around his shoulders.

Robert's eyes suddenly widen and he's realising. "How much?" He's asking and he tries to ignore the way Aaron's looking at him, shifting all uncomfortably and then bowing his head. "Go on, I get it now. How much does it cost me to have -"

Aaron's shoulder are tense, everything shatters on his face, "As if I want -"

Robert digs dipper in his pocket for notes. " - to get you away from here maybe, to get you something to work on so you don't sit around hating me." He looks up and then down again. "How about we say fifty -"

He doesn't expect a fucking punch but he takes it like a man, or more like half of a man and -

"What the fuck did you do that for?" Robert's shouting because Aaron just swung and despite not hitting him square in the face Robert could feel his knuckles graze against his jaw and -

Okay maybe he's being dramatic but he doesn't give a shit.

Aaron's eyes are all wide and he's full of expression suddenly. "I - I don't know, I'm sorry -" he says and then he's huffing and puffing like he's about to lose it again and Robert just stares at him in shock.

"I don't even think you are." Robert growls, because he's an arsehole and he's looking past the guilt which clearly flashes over Aaron's face.

Aaron goes to say something and Robert cuts him off cruely.

"Look at you, look around Aaron and realise this is your _life_ mate, this is what you've made of it." He snaps, and it comes out of nowhere. "Is that it? You're jealous that I left this dump when I could."

And Aaron raises his head at that, comes closer and his hands are balled into a fist suddenly like he's about to do something daft again but instead he just shakes his head. "You should have just stayed away." He says, his voice firm and final as he speaks.

Robert blinks softly, feels Aaron's breath on him, near him, just _around_ him and it's too make. He's backing away and feeling his back hit the door.

"Why couldn't you have just _stayed_ away?" Aaron says, voice tight, eyes almost wet. "Instead of coming back and rubbing it all in my face just because you can."

And it's all just pouring out before Robert gets the chance to silence Aaron in his mind.

"Aaron -"

" _Fuck_ you and _fuck_ whatever you want from me because it ain't happening okay? I'm not giving you the satisfaction." Aaron roars, slams past Robert after staring at the redness around Robert's jaw and wincing like he's only sorry about causing that physical pain.

Robert hears the old wooden door rattle and shake and then he's regretting everything he's ever done.

 

 

::

 

 

Robert remembers when he first met Aaron. He was hanging off the back of the Dingle van and his legs were swinging like he didn't give a shit about anything in the world or the danger of falling off and landing flat on the concrete.

He was always like that at the start, almost too naive for the world he was bought into.

Robert remembers catching his legs before he was falling out and actually laughing at the stupid boy for being so careless. He remembers the way Aaron turned bright red, the way he told him to piss off. The way the boy was chucking him a packet of crisps the next day as a way of saying thanks.

It was like Aaron knew back then that there was no point in trying to avoid the inevitable.

That being, a friendship with Robert which would fuck up his whole entire life.

 

 

::

 

 

"It feels like years." Chrissie exaggerates over the phone, but it's been about five days and she needs to calm herself right down.

But he misses her, he won't lie.

"How are you?" He asks her, presses the phone against his ear as he walks down the village and sights the cafe.

Chrissie complains mostly and he listens until she's asking him how his business deal is going and he lies about having to do much more schoomzing yet.

"Oh darling you'll sort it out though." Chrissie mutters, dry, hardly interested and Robert respects how easily she can't lie. "Anyway, we'll both be home soon won't we? And we can talk wedding plans until I bore you to death."

Or up the isle.

Robert laughs her off, "Is there that much to talk about?" He's asking, regrets it as soon as it leaves his mouth because suddenly Chrissie is a fully qualified wedding planner and Robert has to push the phone away as he orders.

Bob's back from wherever he was and he's all clicky fingers and animated expressions and it doesn't irritate Robert nearly as much as he thought it would. But it's Bob, a friendly familiar face.

He manages to mouth out his order and then he's walking towards a table, hearing Chrissie rabbit on about not hearing much from Bex lately and then he's slamming straight into Aaron.

The bloke he hasn't seen for a few days. The bloke who flipping punched him.

The bloke who just won't divorce him.

"Look Chrissie I've got to go okay?" He's saying, watching Aaron's face tense and then he's trying to move away from Robert entirely and failing because Robert's fucking quick on his feet.

"I've given you your time to cool off or whatever." Robert explains, realises he's not going anywhere as Aaron stares at him hard and sighs. "Aaron, please." He's almost vulnerable and Aaron raises his head like he's interested for the first time. "I need this from you, and then I'll be out of your life for good this time. No coming back."

And it's a promise he knows he can keep.

Aaron tenses his jaw, looks towards the counter. "Bob's got your coffee waiting." He says and Robert closes his eyes in defeat before he's hearing Aaron call his name as he turns towards the counter. "Meet me in the barn at three." He says, doesn't give anything away as he nods and leaves but it makes Robert tingle with something.

He calls it hope and nothing else.

 

 

::

 

Robert's a prat. That's why he's slowly sipping at his pint at quarter past three without a care in the world because well Aaron's kept him waiting before and he's only returning the favour.

He feels Chas before he sees her and he's rolling his eyes as she comes over to him.

"You alright Chas?" He asks, because her face is hard and she looks so sour it's almost funny. She's aged, lines are across her face and they almost mock her as she tries to wear a glittery red top like she's in her twenties. "No. Okay then well -"

"When are you leaving?" She's asking, arms crossed over, blinking quickly.

And Robert really wants to say by the end of the day if Aaron complies. It's ironic really, the fact that she doesn't know her own son is keeping him around this long.

"What's that got to do with you?" Robert's asking, and he has the right to ask because it's got nothing to do with her.

She knows that, it's why her eyes flicker Robert thinks.

"Just wondering." She shrugs out and all Robert has to do is tilt his head and she's signing. "Aaron's not been himself lately."

Robert drops his head and dares to think about how much Chas actually knows. He can't imagine Aaron telling her that they went off and got married on a whim. He _can_ imagine him crying into her chest and saying things Robert never wanted Aaron to ever say to him.

Robert gulps hard, decides it's time to back himself out of this and he stands. "Yeah well, I hardly know him anymore so it's not like I can do anything about it can I?" He says, eyes flickering just a little but Chas doesn't even notice.

She just watches him go and then she's calling his name. "You once knew him better than he knew himself." And it's true, everyone was aware of how close they were once upon a time, for those few summers, those cold winters.

Robert clears his throat and shrugs. "You used the past tense for a reason Chas." He says, and he's proud of himself for being able to get it out as quickly as he did.

 

 

::

 

 

The barn really does stink and he winces as he opens the barn door and sees Aaron sitting on one of the bounds of hay, leg shaking up and down. He's wearing his overalls, an old farm cap and he looks like such a Dingle it's almost embarrassing.

Robert's thinking about what Chrissie would say if she knew about Aaron, if she knew that they were once the best of friends.

_"Oh it's like the prince and the pauper."_

It makes Robert wince and then he feels guilty.

"What time do you call this?" Aaron says, keeps his head down as Robert closes the barn door and they are plunged into a darkness.

Robert steps forehead and digs his hands into his pockets. "I call it," he looks down to his watch and then up at Aaron. "Time you got yourself a watch." He says, smugly and Aaron just squints at him.

"You're late." Aaron says, something relaxes in his shoulders and Robert feels his chest tighten. "We've got a lot to do." He says, comes off the hay and wipes at his thighs.

Robert scoffs. "Sorry?"

"Nah I don't think you are but that's for another day. Now," Aaron suddenly pulls out another pair of overalls and passes them to Robert. "Get them on and then we can get to work."

Robert raises an eyebrow, watches Aaron just walk past him like isn't even there and then he's pulling open the barn door with a loud grunt. "We? Aaron, stop messing me about, you know why I -"

Aaron turns too quickly and Robert's too close and he has to pull himself away. "I'm getting married Aaron." He says, like Aaron doesn't know already.

Aaron raises an eyebrow. "Yeah. I get that, I'm not thick." He's hardly got any emotion in his voice and it makes Robert almost angry. He wants Aaron to say something, he wants him so punch him again suddenly and feel the passion Aaron had for him. It's fucking ridiculous. "Which is why, you're going to help me before I help you."

Robert shakes his head and frowns. "How's that work?"

Aaron walks out of the barn and forces Robert to follow him because he can't help himself.

He follows him up towards an old shack and waits until Aaron's turning around, panting a little because of the walk and the way the sun is almost blinding today.

"This place here." Aaron points at the small shack. "I want to do it up, make it into a youth place or something. Anythings better than that old cricket pavilion."

Robert frowns, "You loved that old cricket pavilion." He says, feels a tug at his chest as he remembers when Aaron tried to kiss him there and how he pushed him away, cried the whole way home about it.

Aaron turns towards Robert. "I'm being serious Rob." The nickname seems to make Robert feel like he's seventeen again and he just nods.

"So what? You want my help how? Because the last time I tried to offer you money, you punched me in the -"

"Yeah and I said I'm sorry straight away." Aaron retaliates, gulps hard and then shakes his head, "I don't want your money Rob. I just -" he drops his head and then raises it again. "You've just come back here, bold as fucking brass, wanting me to just give you what you want without even -"

"So I have to _earn_ our divorce?" Robert says, watches the smile which tugs at Aaron's face.

"Deal?" Aaron says, comes a little closer to Robert and raises an eyebrow almost playfully.

Robert slowly pulls a hand out and watches Aaron look down at it. "A week tops. I've got a wedding to plan." He says and Aaron's jaw tenses before he's nodding and shaking at Robert's hand.

"Deal."

 

 

::

 

 

Aaron's got small dreams. This is just another one of them.

If it was Robert, he'd build a brand, approach the local council and ask for funding like a normal person.

But Aaron's still got that mentality he used to, he's like a kid and it's stupidly endearing to watch him walk around the old space and rub his hands together.

"It's not a lot but, it's something." Aaron shrugs his shoulders and for a second Robert just stares at him.

"Right then." Robert says, "And what am I supposed to do?" He asks, comes closer and arches an eyebrow. "I'm hardly dressed for heavy lifting."

"That's why you have the overalls." Aaron says, not even looking at Robert as he looks around the room and pulls at a rusty wheelbarrow. "All we need to do is take all this shit out and give it a lick of paint."

Robert nods slowly, looks around the place and then winces. "And you're sure I can't just get you somewhere which actually has heating, and -"

Aaron rolls his eyes and frowns at Robert. "How many times?" He shakes his head and then he just stares at him for a second and Robert feels like he wants to run, he can't face the scrutiny. "You never used to be like this, chucking _cash_ at -"

"That's before I got out of this dump and decided to actually earn a living." Robert says, so quickly that he doesn't even gauge Aaron's reaction. Then he's thankful. "Why can't I be proud of it?" He asks.

Aaron chews his lip and then he's turning around, ignoring Robert almost completely as he starts piling old pieces of wood onto the wheelbarrow and sighing.

Robert stands awkwardly, he's still wearing his suit and he's never looked so out of place. He hates it here. He does. And now Aaron's made it even worse.

"Are you just going to ignore me?" Robert says, hears the silence drag out between them and then Aaron looks up.

"No." He says flatly, "Just want you to start actually helping me." He says before moving another piece of wood and sighing. "You know, that's why you're here."

Robert gives in, pulls the overalls over him and gets to work in some sort of odd silence. It's mad, they haven't seen each other for years yet the silence isn't awkward or uncomfortable between them at all.

And Aaron actually relaxes. Robert can see it. He's slower with his movements, raises his head every now and then to check that Robert's still there or something like that.

"How comes you want to do this then?" Robert's asking, a few hours have drifted by and he should really be thinking of heading back now.

Aaron shrugs, "I already told you why." He says, pushing at an old crate and kicking it towards the door.

Robert stops, smirks. "Yeah and I somehow didn't believe the whole 'doing good for the community vibe' surprisingly."

Aaron almost laughs and then Robert watches him hold it back. "Yeah well, it works." He nods his head seriously. "When I was in France, they had tons of little youth places in all the urban areas. It kept kids out of trouble."

"Because Emmerdale village is really known for being an urban area." Robert deadpans and Aaron frowns before turning back around and wheeling the dusty boxes around the place, collecting all the crap effectively. "France?" Robert's saying, he has a fond memory of the place. He once went with Chrissie for the weekend and had a nice time sipping champagne and looking at the views from the fancy restaurant.

Aaron just nods slowly, doesn't give anything away.

"You mean, you actually left this place?" Robert asks and then he frowns. "You went on your own?"

It makes something churn in his stomach.

But then Aaron's shaking his head, "No, with my boyfriend." He says casually and Robert drops whatever he was holding, something dusty and rusting at the sides.

He didn't think Aaron was exactly out and proud.

"Oh." Robert's mouth is hollow and Aaron notices, starts shaking his head. "What?"

"You." Aaron points at him and then tenses. "You know, for a second. I thought you'd be marrying a bloke." He says and Robert's eyes widen. "But obviously I was wrong."

"Obviously." Robert spits, angry somehow. "You know I was never like you."

Aaron frowns, drops the wheelbarrow and comes closer. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Gay." Robert blurts out without warning.

Aaron let's out a shaky almost laugh and then his jaw tenses. "So how do you explain what we were?"

And it knocks him back. Aaron never used to be like this. So bold and fucking daring and with no hesitation in his voice.

Robert's eyes flicker and then he's stepping back. He's thinking about the kisses they shared at the back of the Zak and Lisa's. He's thinking about being Aaron's first ever kiss and wanting to make it special for him. He's thinking about that night. He's thinking about when they slept -

"A mistake." Robert says, after way too many seconds have flown by.

Aaron gulps hard. "Again, and again and again." He says, eyes hard on Robert's face until the older man is stepping away.

"Why are you doing this?" Robert's asking, feels his heart beat out of his chest. "I'm already doing what you want me to but you're still trying to - to make me feel -"

"Feel what?" Aaron's asking. "I'm not doing anything wrong."

Robert has to rip his eyes away from Aaron's. "My life back when I was a stupid kid has _nothing_ to do with my life now." He says, because he's separated it all.

He's got Aaron and what they'd did in one section of his brain, lodged far away.

And then he's got Chrissie and what they can be, right at the front of his mind.

"Whatever you say." Aaron mumbles and Robert can't stick around suddenly.

"You know what, I don't need this shit." He snaps, charges towards the barn door as Aaron raises his head.

"We have a deal."

"No. You're blackmailing someone who you used to -"

And Aaron gulps hard, looks towards the floor and then up again. "Used to what?"

Robert blinks, once, twice.

_[ "You know how I feel." Aaron had tears rolling down his face. "You know I want to keep you close to me forever."]_

"This was a mistake." Robert says, doesn't even know what he's referring to but it all just feels wrong.

He's come back here, he's decided that Aaron will give him what he wants when it's really so clear he won't.

And he goes before Aaron can say anything else.

 

 

::

 

 

Aaron had made his feelings clear.

He'd tried to kiss Robert. He'd held his hand more than once.

And then Robert had given in.

He'd kissed him back, again and again.

They'd been so good, keeping it as quiet as they did.

And then Jack found out.

(And Robert never told Aaron the truth.)

 

::

 

 

Vic comes alive as Robert enters the pub, she's behind the bar and the gangly thing in the chef whites is Marlon, Robert remembers.

He's aged well.

"There you are." Vic says, comes forward and smiles. "You've been out all day." She says, like Robert isn't aware.

"Yeah, I have." He says and then clears his throat. He'd gone home after leaving Aaron dramatically, he'd showered and then had an awkward conversation with Andy about when exactly he was leaving and why Chrissie wasn't with him again.

Vic leans in like she's waiting for more and doesn't stares her down before she relents and her shoulders sag. "Pint?" She's offering and Robert nods.

He's got to call Chrissie, he knows that but he doesn't want to, considering the fact that Aaron's running riot in his thoughts and he keeps making everything uncomfortable.

He keeps ruining his plans.

"I had Aaron in here earlier." She comments. "He was looking for ya." She turns back around and Robert tries to sort out the shock on his face.

"Right." Robert gulps hard and then takes the pint from her hand. "Did he say why?"

Vic shrugs. "Not really. It didn't seem real urgent though so ..."

And Robert's thankful it wasn't.

"Has he told ya about his big plans for that youth centre thingy?" Vic asks, she won't stop with the questions and Robert considers faking a phone call and sitting in a booth instead of by the bar.

"Yeah uh -" he contemplates lying and then gives in. "He wants some help with it as it goes."

Vic pulls a face. "You?" She's blurting out, arms folded over. " _God_ he must be desperate then."

And maybe he is. Robert calls himself a dick for thinking any differently. For thinking that Aaron wanted _his_ help.

"Aw," Vic says, and Robert thinks he's missed something she's said as she knocks his hand. "It'll be like old times won't it?"

Old times.

Great.

 

 

::

 

 

Something tells him to go the next morning. He wakes up earlier than usual, misses the morning phone call to Chrissie and gets himself down to the empty shell of a shack which Aaron has cleared out.

He's wearing something relatively causal. A white top and some old battered pair of jeans he doesn't even remember packing with him.

Robert comes into the space and clears his throat. He doesn't even know for certain that Aaron is there but he knows he isn't at the garage. He's checked.

"Aaron?" Robert calls out and then he hears the sound of something falling towards the ground, his feet take him further inside the gutted area and he finds Aaron sitting on an old plank of wood, trying to prize open a paint tin and failing.

Robert watches him, watches his muscles and notes the fact that they weren't there seven years ago. Aaron was a bit of a weedy shit.

Aaron pulls it off and then sighs as he places it down and looks up Robert. Shock is clearly spread out across his face and he raises an eyebrow.

"You came?" He's observes, wiping his hands over his overalls and standing up.

"I did yeah." Robert says, eyes on Aaron's and then not. "God knows why." He says.

Aaron raises an eyebrow, "Divorce? Signature?" He's almost teasing and it's strange.

Robert remembers when Aaron was this soft and care free and he almost wants it all back.

"Thanks for the reminder." Robert says sarcastically and then looks around at the walls. They're hardly walls, peeling and cracking and Robert bites back the need to say something about being able to fix it up in no time if he calls a man in. Instead he just picks up a roller on the side and looks down at the tin of paint.

It's a pale blue colour and Robert is struck with a memory.

Aaron sitting next to him talking about how blue the sky is, how he wants it to always look like that if he can try.

"Rob?" Aaron's frowning and Robert shakes himself, digs the roller in and wipes before looking towards the wall again and resting the roller down. "Don't worry, I've got a mate who's going to plaster up that wall tomorrow. We can just work on all the others." He says.

Robert nods fiercely and then he looks over at Aaron. He's fighting this urge to say that he's proud of him.

So he just gets himself to work quickly, marvels at how well he can actually work a roller.

"Robert," Aaron's saying, almost an hour later. "I - I was looking for you yesterday night." Robert just raises his head and looks at Aaron. "Because I wanted to say that, I didn't mean to make you -"

"Listen, Aaron I know how you feel about me now." Aaron looks away as Robert speaks. "I know you hate me for everything, but I don't hate you and - that's why I'm here."

"Not because you need my signature." Aaron manages to bring it back down to the surface of it all and it somehow cheapens everything.

But he's not wrong.

"We can get on like we used to." Robert resents his choice of words as soon as they leave his mouth. They used to fucking kiss against walls and laugh about having to be quiet. "I mean - as long as you don't bring up the past then, it'll be alright."

The Past.

Aaron squints. "It's all around ya though isn't it?" He says and Robert honestly thinks he can't help himself or something.

But he's right. He sees it everywhere. He sees himself. He hates it.

"Yeah well, I can forget it, if I don't keep being reminded."

And Aaron seems to accept that, for now.

 

 

::

 

 

Apparently Aaron thinks that their few hours of work have earned them a pint and Robert hesitates to agree.

Because he never got the chance to do that with Aaron. They were too young and dumb and they weren't ever taken seriously by anyone really.

Just two boys who seemed to be inseparable.

"A pint?" Robert says, eyes looking over Aaron in confusion and then he's looking towards the open door.

The sky is that pinky colour, splashes of orange running through it and just only hints of blue.

Aaron bows his head and then claps his hands together, pulling off his overalls haphazardly and making the corners of Robert's mouth twitch.

"Yeah." Aaron says bluntly, "Unless that's not your style anymore either." He raises an eyebrow. "Only I remember the lad he couldn't _wait_ for his first pint of ale."

Robert can remember that too, the only thing is he doesn't want to and Aaron just really can't see that.

Robert's eyes flicker and he clears his throat. "Go on then. Just the one." He tells Aaron, hears the younger boy pass him and mutter something about the drinks being on Mr. Money Bags.

(It takes a few seconds for Robert to understand he's talking about himself.)

 

 

::

 

 

Chas raises an eyebrow when she sees her son coming in with Robert and it makes the older man gulp hard. He wants to think it's just because he looks like a poor twat who's lost his suit.

"Ah, there you are." Robert hears Vic say, eyes wide as she starts pouring them pints and then leans closer. "Your laptop was pinging like mad." She says, passes over the pints and frowns.

"Yeah. Emails Vic." Robert says, threatens to smile and then she's rolling her eyes.

" _All_ from you darling fiancé. Were you not answering your phone or something?" Her tone is almost judgemental and Robert has to look away. He can almost feel Aaron tense up and he feels like a kid again, he could always feel when Aaron was upset or bothered by something. He still can obviously.

"Been busy." Robert looks over towards Aaron and sees that Aaron's trying to fight a smile.

"He still can't paint in a straight line." Aaron says slowly, brings the pint up towards his mouth and then raises an eyebrow as he sees the shock on Robert's face.

"Yeah I can." Robert blurts out, "Not my fault the walls were - you know, bumpy."

"Bumpy?" Aaron scoffs and then Robert's looking up towards Victoria and his chest tightens, she looks all happy and she's staring at them both and it's fucking unsettling.

"Booth?" Robert says and Aaron nods slowly, comes towards a table near the back of the pub and sighs.

"What was that about?" Aaron's asking, frown clear on his face as he leans forward. It makes Robert lean back as if he's on a fucking see-saw or something.

Robert tries to think quickly. "Wanted to talk about the D."

It makes Aaron almost choke on his drink and then Chas is looking at them from the bar. She looks like she actually wants to kill him and he has to look away from her.

"The fucking _D_?" Aaron asks, fingers wet from the way he was griping onto the glass and collecting condensation.

Robert's eyes widen, he realises how it sounds and then he's clearing his throat. "The _divorce_." He hisses quietly and watches the way it changes something in Aaron.

"Right." Aaron says, doesn't look up as he speaks.

"I mean, if you're worried about cost or whatever then don't be. I've got my mate Clive who's going to sort it all out. I just need your -"

"Did you mind today?" Aaron butts in, raises his head almost like he didn't even bother listening to what Robert had just said.

Robert's thrown a little by the question and frowns. "Uh no, I mean - yeah it was fine." He says, goes to speak and then feels someone coming towards them.

It's Andy and Adam's bouncing around near the bar like usual.

"You alright love birds."

Robert feels everything freeze over him. He's a kid again and Andy's just found a nickname for them and Jack is quick to tell him not to be so stupid and it makes Robert's cheek turn red.

Aaron seems to just laugh it off, there's something uncomfortable in his voice but it's almost like he's mastered the ability of not letting it show.

Robert hasn't though. It's still weird, hurts him in a way he isn't used to.

But he tries to brush it off.

Andy's still hovering over them when Adam comes with his pint.

"You finished your little project eh?" Adam's saying, sipping at his pint as he looks towards Aaron. "You stink of paint and he looks like that so I'm guessing you did." He adds, points at Robert and laughs.

Aaron laughs, "Yeah, nearly done mate." He says, something laced within his voice which Robert can't put his finger on.

"I can have my best mate back then?" Adam says, all dopey as he laughs and Robert just rolls his eyes.

"Ah well, they were best mates before you two were?" And Andy just has to fucking shed light doesn't he? "Proper joint at the hip." He adds and something inside Robert crackles.

Adam looks a little shocked, "Oh. I didn't know that." He says, and Aaron is looking back towards his pint.

"That's because it's not true." Robert blurts out, straight up lies just because he wants to keep all this distance between himself and Aaron. He hates how Andy knew even a little of what went on. It hurts him and he feels pathetic. "I mean yeah we were mates but -" he looks up and sees Aaron's face and then he's being saved by the fucking bell because Chrissie is calling him.

He makes his excuses quickly and then walks out of the pub, suddenly regrets not bringing a jacket because it's bloody freezing and he only has his stupid top on which is covered in paint.

He swears a bit, feels sorry for himself and then answers.

"Hey." Robert's saying, trying to keep his voice soft and controlled and not at all ragged or all over the place.

"Darling? I've been trying to ring you all day." Chrissie says, she sounds like she's been crying and it hits Robert's gut a little. Chrissie isn't a cryer. Not really.

"Are you okay?" He asks, feet marching him back to Vic's cottage so that he can get out of his clothes.

Chrissie starts explaining and then she won't stop. It's like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders because Rebecca isn't returning her calls and Lachlan is being assessed for something or other and she can barely understand what they're saying because surprisingly she doesn't know fucking Polish.

"And to top it all off, the reception hall is booked out until next June." Chrissie finishes and Robert's managed to get changed, scrub the paint off him, fix his hair and stick a microwave meal in.

"Reception hall?" He's asking, eyes a little wide as he registers her words. He realises that things are moving fast in her world and he's stuck in his old village. It's almost maddening.

"Well yes darling you have to get these things booked quickly don't you?" Chrissie says, like its obvious.

"I suppose so." He mumbles out, trusts her judgement considering she was married before and she's gone through all this.

The topic stays on weddings until Robert can't bare it, until he's talking about his pretend meetings and making an excuse about having to go and prepare for something or other.

"Okay then, I'll let you go."

"Okay, bye." Robert says, brings the phone away from him and then pulls it up again as he sights a picture of Vic and Adam with Aaron poking his head between the two and sticking his tongue out. "Love you." He tells her before ending the call.

 

 

::

 

 

Robert thinks he's got the place to himself for a while considering Aaron's sitting cosy with Adam and Andy in the pub for the rest of the night.

It doesn't even bother him.

He likes his carbonara, despite it being a little cold.

"Only me." The door slams shut and he sees Vic coming through, ruining his alone time. He's stuck on Grand Designs and he's actually enjoying the quiet. "Oh, sorry." She says like she's interrupting something. "I just needed to get my charger."

"Shouldn't you be working instead of being on your phone?" Robert says, turns to her.

"Oh. Sorry boss." Vic says with a laugh and then starts playing with her hands like she's nervous, like she wants to ask her brother something. "You left quick?"

"Yeah." Robert says, gulps hard. "Chrissie rang me." He explains, looks down at his long forgotten read meal and then up again.

"And you couldn't come back after you finished?" Robert frowns as he hears Vic and then she's widening her eyes. "I mean - I thought you were having a laugh."

"What with _Andy_?" He scoffs, can't imagine how on earth he manages to not bore Aaron to death nowadays. He used to.

"No, with Aaron."

And something crackles over him, heat rises and he stiffens. "Not really." He lies.

"You seemed like you were -"

"And what Vic?" He's blurting out, for no real reason he's losing it and going towards the bin in the kitchen, chucking away the cold spaghetti and turning towards his sister.

She looks all annoyed, all shocked. "Alright." She snaps, "No need to get so _mardy_ about it. _Gosh_ you sound exactly like Aaron." She's saying, walking towards the door and then turning round. "There's obviously something not right with you, so why don't you just say and then you can stop being weird." She stares at him harder. "The _pair_ of you."

Robert feels something thump in his chest and suddenly he's passing her and grabbing his coat. "Just leave your nose out Vic." He tells her before slamming the door and heading out into the night.

 

 

::

 

He hates how his feet know where to go.

It's nearly raining and the sky has velvet pulled across it in front of his eyes. He can see stars and again he feels like a little kid who used to love that stuff, who used to beg his mum to come out and look at them with him.

Robert's surprised he remembers the way as well as he does, it takes him a few seconds to hook his foot through the gate and push through and then he's only got to charge up the patch of grass and -

He doesn't expect to see Aaron sitting there against the door. He's gone to the cricket pavilion too and he can't quite believe that it's still a thing. It's still their thing.

For a second Robert debates whether or not to bolt. He can see Aaron from where he's standing, he can see the bottle in his hand and the way he looks and he almost doesn't want to take a step forward.

But then Aaron looks up and Robert can't do anything but walk towards him.

The lights of the cricket pavilion pours over Aaron and gives him a warm amber glow as Robert approaches him.

"What you doing here?" Aaron says, voice low and almost slurred as he tilts his head up and looks at Robert.

Robert misses a beat, looks awkward. "I could ask you the same question." He says, he's looming over Aaron and feeling like his father or something. It's late, the moon is high in the sky and he feels suddenly protective over Aaron. "What's wrong?" Because something is, clearly.

Aaron just shrugs his shoulders and then brings the bottle up to his mouth again. "You." He says. "Being here." He adds firmly and then he gulps hard. "Sorry." He says, like he really is.

It makes Robert soften a little and suddenly he's sliding down beside Aaron and pulling a face as they try to fit around each other.

It used to be easier. They used to be younger.

There's silence between them for a while until Robert's looking at the bottle and smirking. "Still stealing from your mum's pub then?" He's asking, and it washes over him, a memory, so many memories.

Aaron just nods his head and then he's looking at the small space between them. "You just left the pub." He says slowly, like it's dragging out of him. "And I know why."

Robert drops his head, doesn't speak, almost can't.

"Because you just can't face the truth can ya? Always been your problem that." Aaron says, hand over his mouth as he drags it across and then shudders.

Robert shudders, "Let's not go through this again." He almost warns because he won't be dragged into it this time. He won't allow himself to be.

"It was the nickname that did it right?" Aaron says, scoffs as shakes his head and sees Robert squirm. "Pathetic."

Heat rises through Robert and he gulps hard. "Don't call me that." He says. "Alright, you have no idea."

"No I don't." Aaron says, eyes all wide. "And you know what? For so long I wanted to - to know. I just wanted to still know about ya - wanted to -"

Robert's eyes warm into something he doesn't want them to, but he can't help himself.

"Aaron." Robert says slowly, softly, like he can't breathe.

"Don't _Aaron_ me." Robert hears Aaron say, feels his chest jolt Aaron waves his arm at him. "Just piss off and leave me alone."

The wind picks up and Robert feels a shiver race through him, Aaron's got this ridiculously bulky black jacket on and Robert's grateful he isn't cold. Then feels like a soft prat.

"I'm not going to leave you like this." Robert says, waves vaguely to Aaron's hands and the bottle he's drinking from.

"Why?" Aaron raises his head and scoffs. "It's not like you haven't left me before." He says, manages to cut deep inside and almost gut Robert completely.

He feels himself fallen back and he has to grip onto the wooden slab, tighten his fingers round it and gulp.

"Upped and left for a fancy new life in London." Aaron's waving his arms about and then Robert frowns at him, goes to speak. "Who told me? Your old man." Aaron explains, he looks like a teenager, fluffed up hair and a coat too big for him.

Robert's face falls at the mention of his father, makes everything turn to stone.

"Lording it about he was, proud as fucking punch." Aaron sniffs and then he's looking up to where Robert is standing. "Why didn't you say goodbye?"

It feels so heavy, like Aaron's been dying to say the question ever since Robert stepped foot in the village again.

Suddenly Robert wants to close the distance between them and he's falling onto his knees, coming towards Aaron and attempting to hold him by the knee but Aaron pulls away.

"It wasn't like that." Robert pushes out, because it wasn't. He'd ran anyway, he'd been forced to and Jack had taken advantage, created his own version of events where his book smart lad managed to go down to London and make something of himself.

He'd just lied.

Aaron shakes his head and presses it back against the door of the pavilion. "You just left." He looks towards the wooden slabs beneath him. "You left me, walked away from what we could have -"

Robert needs distance, pulls himself up. "Could have been? Aaron we were just stupid _kids_ , we - we were in over our heads. Both of us." Aaron pulls a face and Robert doesn't know what it means but he does remember Aaron being adamant that no one could know he was gay. That's changed, obviously. "None of it was _real_."

Aaron lifts his head at that, and Robert can see that he's hit some mad nerve, that he's gone and insulted him or something. "Felt pretty real to me." He says, drags the bottle up towards his lips and forces it down.

Robert bristles, hand dug in his pocket.

"That's not my fault." Robert pushes out, shifts blame, tries to.

Aaron scoffs. "You knew how I felt about you." He says slowly, looks up at Robert and gulps. "You _knew_ I -"

Robert suddenly can't hear it, forces a hand over his face and sighs. "You might have - have _thought_ you had -"

"I loved you."

And Robert can't breathe.

Aaron's got tears swimming around in his eyes and Robert hadn't seen him cry like this for years and years. Aaron's lost his coldness, the front he'd put up, the one Robert hated.

(The one he wants back)

He wants to hug him, this urge race through him and fizzles and Robert thinks he's going to explode if he doesn't but then Aaron's dropping his head and looking towards the floor again and he knows he's missed the chance.

"You never -" Robert can't speak, Aaron's fucking rendered him speechless because Aaron never actually said those words. Not once.

"Not in so many words, no." Aaron admits, face red, eyes puffy, drink coming up towards his mouth again.

Robert frowns. "And you're not just saying this because," he looks at the bottle in Aaron's hand and then gulps. "You're drunk."

Aaron sniffs. "You'd love that." He says, turns away again. "So you could twist the truth."

Robert raises an eyebrow. "I'm not twisting anything." He blurts out. "Look, we were tipsy, we were stupid and we thought the whole fucking idea of running off and getting married was a right laugh. That's all." He blows out a breath, hand coming up and slicing the air swiftly.

He remembers them rolling down hills in their suits and laughing. He remembers the haribo rings and the way everything felt like it wasn't going to last somehow.

And he was right.

Robert watches Aaron raise his head, "Is that what you've really managed to tell yourself, _convince_ yourself for all these years?" He says, and a tear rolls down his face.

It makes Robert feel cornered, makes him want to bolt.

"It's the truth." He whispers out, tries to let it surface and hang in the air but it disappears without a trace.

Aaron suddenly tries to stand, pushes his feet up and staggers a little. "No it's not you liar." He says, feet wobbly. "Were we just - just being stupid when we had _sex_?"

And Robert almost winces.

"No?" Aaron sniffs, "On our wedding night n'all -"

"Shut up." Robert blurts out, "We were best mates who got confused alright? We were just -"

Suddenly Aaron's wavering a hand out in front of him. "Just keep lying to yourself." He whispers, "Make out you didn't feel exactly the same and maybe - maybe you can magic up the past and make it actually suit ya." He looks so angry, so hurt and Robert tries to reach out to him, stop him from falling but Aaron bats him away.

"Please Aaron -" Robert feels something become lodged in his throat and he feels sick, Aaron's all small and fragile.

"I wish you'd never come back." Aaron slurs, "Wish you'd have just taken me to court or something, because this is so much worse and I can't do it anymore."

And then he's slopping off again and Robert's left wondering what exactly he can't do anymore.

 

 

::

 

 

Robert's laying next to Aaron in the field, hands so close, almost touching.

Aaron's turning over, saying something about wanting to get away for a few hours and Robert is agreeing.

And Robert's driving, stealing Andy's battered truck and pressing hard on the breaks. He's rolling his head back and laughing as Aaron's sticking his head out the window, already tipsy from the beers he's had.

And then he's looking at him like he's the moon and the stars and everything in between too and Robert is smiling back and -

"You know you're my best mate right?" Aaron's saying, all teeth as his smiles and Robert nods slowly. "So let's make it official." Aaron's saying and Robert gets caught up.

His head says its daft, but his heart says another thing entirely.

His heart listens to what Aaron says about never wanting anyone else this close.

His heart makes them run off and get married and sign papers and make promises. His heart makes him finally kiss his best mate, their first kiss as they finish saying vows.

And then he's getting really drunk, rolling down hills and not wanting to go home, fearing home for good reason and -

He's pushing Aaron onto a bed and Aaron's looking like Robert's the only person in the world and then he's sleeping with him, he's sleeping with someone for the first time and it's Aaron.

It's his mate, and they're all over each other and Aaron's all shaky after and Robert kisses at his hands all lovingly.

And then he's bolting. He's running and he's leaving Aaron in some grotty B&B and he's running.

Robert wakes up with tears in his eyes, the memories washes right over him and he can't help the way he lays there and wants to forget everything all over again.

The thing is, he had. That's what kills him.

It's taken years to look at a field and not think of rolling down them or to think about weddings and not remember the fact that he'd had one of his own when he was young and dumb and foolish.

He's told himself for years now that it wouldn't have worked. He's regretted it at times, but he's almost managed to convince himself that it wasn't real.

But Aaron had loved him.

He really had and a part of Robert had always, always known that deep down.

Not admitting it made it easier though, and yeah Robert's always preferred easy.

 

 

::

 

 

The old shack is still there when Robert passes it by the next day. He hadn't slept the night before and narrowly missed Vic's apologies or nagging or whatever she would have thrown at him as soon as their eyes met across the kitchen counter.

He'd got dressed and decided he needed a drive, and now he's just cruising around aimlessly attempting to focus on something.

He thinks about going into town, impressing Chrissie by bringing her back something gold. He needs to get out of the village anyway.

A few hours later he's sitting inside some shabby chic cafe with an americano and his laptop on the wooden table. He's sending emails, trying to be productive and then he's smiling as he looks down at the small little blue box with something pretty inside for Chrissie to thank him for.

It makes him feel good, more than good actually.

And for a few seconds he's forgetting about the fact that Aaron could very well be waiting for him by the old shack, wanting his help with it still despite what he had slurred out last night.

Robert shakes it away, pulls it to the back of his mind and then he's lifting his head and his eyes are widening as he sees none other than Katie approaching him with an eyebrow raised.

She hadn't changed all that much. Her hair is still the same, still boring.

"Robert?" She's asking, and then she's shaking her head. "What are you doing here?" For a second Robert wonders if she's being sarcastic because surely Chas has rang her and started banging on about his return, or Andy himself. But she genuinely seems surprised to see him and he indulges her for a second.

"Back with news of my engagement." He says smugly, then clears his throat. "Sorry to hear about you and my brother."

Katie rolls her eyes, stiffens. "No you're not." She says dryly, not a lot of bite in her voice. "So, engaged?"

Robert smiles, "Yeah, boss' daughter." He says, he doesn't even mind how cliche it sounds.

"When's the big day?" Katie asks, arms crossed and then Robert pulls a face. "You're right I don't care."

"So how about I tell you about Andy and then you can leave." Robert cuts to the chase, sits up. "He's missing you." He explains.

Katie crosses her arms over. "He's actually said that?"

Robert frowns. "No. He won't talk to me about you. You know, on account on the fact that he still believes we had a full blown affair." He tells her and she raises an eyebrow.

"Despite how often I told him otherwise." Katie says, like she's thinking deeply about it and then she raises her head and smiles. "How _is_ Aaron?"

And something jolts in Robert's stomach. Katie, unfortunately, is the only other person apart from his father who knew about him and Aaron.

And she'd helped Robert at first, pretended it was them meeting in barns instead, and then Andy had gone and thought the worst about it all.

The idiot.

"He's alright." He says, "Somehow he's the same bloke and completely different at the same time." He admites, bites at his lip as she stands over him. "I think I really fucked him up." He's scared to say it aloud but he knows he has. It's why Aaron had to get drunk to really get his feelings out. It's why he punched Robert and then felt awful about it afterwards. Aaron's an emotional wreck and it's all Robert's fault.

Katie shakes her head. "He's always been - trouble always seems to find him." She explains and then she's blinking quickly. "You never did give him closure, maybe that's all he needs." She says and Robert nods. "And then, you can move on with your life, get out of this poxy place and go back to your fiancé."

Robert hates how easy it sounds.

"Unless ..."

"No." He forces out. No to whatever she's going to try and say he is feeling. "Aaron's in the past, so is - is what we did."

"What you did?"

And yeah, Katie doesn't know about the whole getting married bit.

So he tells her, and she sits down and she's more than a little shocked.

"So that's why you're back? To ask him for a divorce?" Robert nods slowly. "Shit Robert."

Robert sighs, knows it sounds awful. "He wasn't signing them alright? He kept sending the letters _back_. I was sick of having my life on hold because of him."

Katie darts her eyes and then sighs. "So how's that going for you?"

Shit.

Absolutely nowhere.

"Listen alright, I'm giving up." He slaps a hand down on his thigh. "Last night he said ... things and you know what? He doesn't want me around and I don't blame him. So I'll make it harder, I'll forge his signature if I have to."

Katie arches her eyebrow, disapproves. "That's not wise."

Robert shrugs. "Yeah, well neither was proposing whilst I was still married."

And Katie can't disagree.

"So what? You're going to just go again?"

"Yeah." Robert nods, realises he's going to go today.

Katie sits for a second and then she's standing, scrapping the chair back and smiling. "Something tells me it's going to be soon?"

Robert nods again. "Pretty much yeah." He admits and then he's frowning. "Am I supposed to tell Andy I saw ya?"

Katie shrugs, "Tell him what you like."

His eyes widen, maybe something has changed about her, she doesn't seem as besotted with his boring brother anymore. "Wow. I thought I'd be driving you back to the village." He pulls back on the chair and she shakes her head.

"Yeah well, we need space. There's a million and one things between us at the moment and don't worry, none of them are about you."

And Robert wants to believe that as she walks away.

"Katie." He calls, watches her spin round. "I'll uh - I hope you'll be at the wedding as his plus one." He says, and he's fucking soft suddenly and he'd never have said something like that before now.

Not to Katie.

But he has and she smiles and nods and leaves and he's sitting there knowing it's because of Aaron and his soft lad influence.

Great.

 

 

::

 

 

By the time he's back in his car, engine running, radio humming, he's got it all figured out.

He's going to leave as soon as he gets back.

He'll have to convince Vic that Chrissie needs him and that he's sorry but he has to go off and be a good fiancé.

It's all sorted out in his head until he's seeing Diane's name flash up on the screen and he's feeling this pull to answer it.

Then he's regretting it because she's going on about having a family dinner before he goes. She's inviting him round tonight and he's agreeing like the weak idiot he is.

"Come round to the pub at five then alright?" She's saying, like she's really excited about it and he's nodding.

"Five sounds perfect." He lies, promises to bring over a bottle of something fancy and then he's hanging up.

He wants to kick himself, wants to hate himself for willingly spending another night in the same village as Aaron.

But instead he's eyeing up a posh looking wine shop and getting out of his car.

 

 

::

 

 

He shows up late.

He doesn't mean to but he does and all eyes are on him when he comes into the pub.

Chas is behind the bar, raises an eyebrow. "They've been waiting for you to start." She says like Robert doesn't already know, like he didn't figure that out from the angry emojis Vic had sent him.

It wasn't his fault Rebecca of all people wanted to speak to him, wanted a pep talk about how he felt about her.

And he had lied.

For her benefit and only her benefit.

"Yeah. I know." He says, points towards the back room. "I'll just go back -" he tries and then Chas is blocking him. "Aaron came home in a _right_ state last night."

And something thumps in his chest without warning because he hasn't seen Aaron all day.

And something's been unsettling about that.

"And?" Robert boldly says, makes sure to squint and frown and look all confused as he looks at her.

He thinks she's going to drop it but she doesn't.

"He said a lot." She says, comes forward. "When he finally came home, drunk as a skunk mind." Chas looks towards the floor and Robert is left wondering what the _fuck_ Aaron thought was okay to admit to his mum. Drunk or not.

His eyes twitch, almost give him away.

"What am I supposed to be saying to this?" Robert says, too cocky for his own good really and Chas stares him down.

"Did you see him last night?" She's asking, head tilted to the side.

And it's instinct which makes Robert lie the way he does, flat out deny ever clapping eyes on her son after he left the pub the night before.

"Can't say I did no." He tells her, "Should I have?"

"No." She snaps, comes closer. "He doesn't need ya around." She decides, arms folded. "It makes him - hide things from me."

Robert's stomach flips. "Well, that's got nothing to do with me." He says, moves passed her quickly and then sighs.

"It's always got summat to do with you Sugden." She says, parting words or whatever and Robert struggles to ignore them as he comes through the back and sees Vic playing with her hair on the table, Andy looking at his phone, Diane coming forward and holding her arms out.

"What took ya so long?" She's asking, and Andy raises his head for a second, sees who it is and then drops it again like it wasn't worth the bother.

Robert sighs, hands over the bottle of wine and shakes his head. "Traffic coming out of Harving Lane." He lies, so damn easily.

Not because Rebecca was asking if it'll ever be him and her together one day.

Vic stands, comes towards the kitchen counter and pulls something into her arms. "Yeah well you're lucky this didn't go all cold on us." She says, and Robert wonders if it's some mad pot roast or something. Then he smells it as Vic takes the lid off and he's hit with a million memories of his mother's cooking, he remembers wolfing it down because that meant he could go back out again and see Aaron before the sun set and he had to come back home before he'd get clipped round the ear.

"Mum's stew?" Robert says, a smile on his face before he can even think about it.

Vic nods, big and soft. "Yeah." She says, then pulls a face. "Well _no_ but - a close second made by yours truly." She smiles and Robert finds himself melting into a little boy again and he hates how much it takes, how easy it is.

He sits down, bangs on about the wine a little and then Andy's saying something about the kids and Robert's resisting the urge to roll his eyes back.

"And you and Adam? When are you two going to give me a baby to hold?" Diane's asking, makes Vic almost choke and Robert can't help the way he smiles.

It's strange, thinking of his sister as a mother but then it isn't. Because she seems the type, she's soft and nurturing and selfless in too many ways.

"Yeah? When's that happening?" Robert teases, smirking as Andy lifts his head and almost smiles. It's weird, they're bonding over bullying their sister and maybe that's the way brothers should be. "I mean, wait until I'm gone but -"

Vic goes to speak, laughter fills the room and then Diane's looking towards the door.

"Oh." It's Aaron's voice which forces Robert's eyes towards his plate of food.

He's screaming inside because he hasn't seen him since Aaron got drunk and said things which more than just unsettled him.

"I didn't realise you were doing summat." And Robert remembers that Aaron lives upstairs, well has his bedroom there.

Something mad travels through Robert, something like, Aaron's bedroom is upstairs, and it's important for a second.

Diane's waving a hand out. "Don't be daft, there's plenty to go round." She's saying, always so accommodating.

Robert has to raise his head. "I'm sure he wouldn't want to interrupt a family meal." He says, almost to Aaron as he attempts to direct his words to Diane.

She shrugs him off though and Aaron's hesitating by the door until he's standing by Robert and something manages to fizzle through the older man.

Robert can't see his face but he almost knows that he's tried, pale.

Diane's quick to dish him up a plate, stands by the kitchen counter as Aaron stands there playing with his hands and almost hoovering over Robert still.

Vic eyes Aaron and then turns to Robert. "Anyway, I won't have any teasing about me alright. You're going to be married soon aren't ya? That's what married couples do isn't it?" She says and Robert is grateful for how vague she's being.

"Yeah well, we - we haven't thought about it. Not with all her attention on Lachlan." Robert says, pokes at his rice and gulps.

"Yeah well, maybe it'll be different once you're married." Vic squints. "I see her changing her mind."

Robert scoffs at that. "You hardly know her." He says and even Andy has to agree.

"She's older though right?" Vic says, and Robert nods slowly. "Yeah she's bound to want a kid with you before her eggs are all -"

"Vic." Robert forces out, feels Aaron twitch near him and he shakes his head.

"Alright, sorry." She's laughing and then Andy's not being so boring, he's laughing too and Robert watches Diane pass over a plate for Aaron and shuffle over a bit so that he has room to sit.

It's all tense, all building up in Robert's shoulders and making it hard to concentrate on anything.

"Where's it happening then?" Diane asks, she's looking at Robert and everything is closing in all around him.

"When's what happening?" He's clueless suddenly and then he hears Andy look up and frown.

"Your wedding." He says, and Robert gulps hard, shrugs at his shoulders. Everyone laughs but Robert can't help notice the fact that Aaron isn't.

He's sitting in front of him, eyes drawn and a paleness over taking him a little as Robert stares at him.

"Not having second thoughts are ya?" Andy's scoffing, like he's a real fucking comedian.

And that's when Aaron decides it's time to raise his head and Robert has to rip his eyes away from him.

The seconds drift by and Aaron keeps staring, wide eyed until -

"Why would you say that?" Robert's practically shouting, Andy's saying it was a joke but he can't believe him. He can't stay here, he can't do it. "Look Diane, I'm sorry but - I can't do this."

So he bolts, and he doesn't look back.

 

 

::

 

 

His feet want to take him towards the pavilion, towards somewhere where he seeks a sense of comfort and warmth but it's not like that anymore.

Instead it's filled with Aaron's confessions.

Aaron shouting out 'I loved you' and everything is hard to think about.

So instead he's walking towards one of the old barns, trying to keep his head down as he goes.

He manages to run into a dick called Ross though, he's all cocky walk and gelled hair and Robert hasn't got the patience.

"Oi Romeo. This is my farm you know." Ross says, hands in his pockets, eyes hard.

Robert looks him up and down. "You're really dressed for it aren't ya?" He mocks and then some bellowing bloke called Pete turns the corner and tells Ross to do one and leave him alone.

"He's Andy's brother you know?" Pete says to Ross, like it should mean he basically gets VIP treatment. "And Adam's brother in law."

Ross squints. "Oh wow Pete how did you work that one out." He says sarcastically, pulling his fingers together to make a line. "It's almost like they connect or summat."

Robert rolls his eyes and then feels his phone ringing, he waves a hand out and finds somewhere quiet to go. The old barn, of course.

It still stinks but he's managing to look past that and sit almost comfortably as he sees a number flash up on his phone. He doesn't recognise it, doesn't answer and instead presses his hands towards his eyes and waits until he sees a stream of yellow hit his vision and everything else becomes blurry.

The plan is still on, he thinks, he's going to just drive out tonight. He'll go back to Chrissie and put this whole mission behind him.

Aaron can have it all the hard way if that's what he really wants.

"Fuck him." Robert whispers, a part of him can't help but be angry. He's lost control, he's spiralling, he's falling almost and Aaron's laughing at him somewhere isn't he?

Only, he isn't.

He's standing there, pushing the door open and wincing at the sound it makes as he closes it shut.

He's got a hand in his pocket and he's clearing his throat and Robert can't help but raise his head.

Aaron looks fucking rough. He's pale like he thought, hair almost wild with curls and rings below his eyes which mock his young age.

"Thought I'd find you in here." Aaron says, comes forward and kicks at a barrel of hay near his feet.

Robert looks down again and Aaron comes closer.

"I tried calling ya." Aaron says, decides to sit down next to Robert. "A few times." He admits.

Robert realises whose number it was and makes a note of it in his head before raising his head at Aaron. "Why are you here?"

"You just ran out." Aaron explains with his hands. "Diane was all worried and - and I thought it might have been because of me."

Robert shakes his head and his jaw clenches. "Might?" He bites. "What were you playing at? Just sitting there with my family like that?"

Aaron frowns harshly and then sighs. "Look alright I didn't know that you were -"

"I shouldn't have even gone." Robert says, almost to himself. "I should have just said I had to leave." He whispers, then looks up at Aaron. "I'm going. Tonight."

And Aaron, he fucking gives it all away with the look on his face.

The sorry, miserable one.

"Why? Because of me?" Aaron blurts out and Robert tries to stand but he holds onto his arm. "Because of the other night?" Robert stiffens, doesn't say anything. "Robert -"

The way Aaron says his name manages to peel Robert away from his grip and he backs towards the door.

"I've got to go." He says, as a way of explaining. "Look, I'll - I'll forge your signature if I have to alright? I just - I can't stay here anymore." Robert's voice is small, like he doesn't really know what he wants anymore.

Then he hears the rain practically thundering outside and he sighs hard. He'll have to wait for it too cool the fuck down.

"Can you just wait a second alright?" Aaron's saying, hands outstretched. "I was drunk and - and I shouldn't have offloaded on ya like that."

"Too right." Robert snaps. "And telling your mum? Coming home drunk to her -"

Aaron looks embarrassed, "What did she say?" He's saying, eyes darting around the place.

"Pretty much wanted to know what my involvement was." Robert says, gulps hard as Aaron shakes his head. "What _does_ she know?" He's asking.

Aaron sighs, "How I used to feel about ya, how I felt after you left." Robert looks away. "She's just protective." He whispers, "That's all."

There's a silence which travels between them until Robert is shaking his head.

"I thought we'd both moved on?"

Because despite all the years between them, he'd never received a card or a text or a drunk call.

Nothing at all.

Aaron scratches his eyebrow and looks up towards the ceiling. "Yeah we have it's just - seeing ya here again. It bought a lot back and -" he blows out a breath. "It made me realise that maybe I haven't really dealt with how I felt about it all."

And Robert's shocked by how open he's being and how much he had really ruined Aaron when he left.

The rain keeps falling and Robert feels his heart beating that little bit faster.

"Listen, I -" he shakes his head. "I know you hate me Aaron." And Aaron doesn't say anything. "I don't blame you for that, but hearing you - say what you did. It was hard. Really, really hard."

Aaron frowns. "Poor you." He says, a little bite in his tone which Robert knows he deserves.

"I'll go. I won't look back properly this time." Robert's saying, "I won't hurt you again." He whispers and Aaron almost looks taken aback by it all.

"I'll sign the papers." Aaron blurts out, and Robert doesn't know if he's heard right.

"Sorry?"

Aaron pulls a face. "Don't reckon you really are but - I'll sign them." He says, "Because I can't move on until I do." He says and Robert realises that he's doing it for himself and that's alright. "I don't want to be drunk like that again, I hate it."

It's just pouring out of him, this honesty.

"Okay." Robert whispers, eyes on Aaron. "Aaron I -"

Aaron moves past Robert and opens the barn door, breathes in the way the rain is pouring down and then looks at Robert. "Need a ride back?" He offers and Robert accepts.

And it's weird, because he remembers the frustration of trying to teach Aaron Dingle how to drive and now he's a pro in the rain. It makes Robert smile to himself until they're near the village again.

"Bring the papers with you tomorrow." Aaron tells Robert as he parks up near Vic's cottage. Robert frowns, doesn't understand why he has to wait until the next day. "What? You didn't show up today did ya? So I need a few more hours of your precious time husband."

And something completely falls away in Robert's chest, Aaron was only teasing but it's mad to hear.

Aaron's his husband.

He offers a delayed reaction, an eye roll as he hears Aaron unlock the door for him to climb out.

"Tomorrow then?" Robert says, head through the car door as he stands awkwardly.

And Aaron nods his head slowly. "Tomorrow."

 

 

::

 

 

He's not in a good mood. He's just not in a particularly bad one and Vic is all over him like a bee to honey.

"You look so smug." She says, sips at her tea and then sits on the counter, squinting at her brother, "Thought you'd be right narky with me after yesterday."

Robert's looking in the mirror, stops to turn at her and then he shakes his head. "Yeah well you weren't the one cracking jokes about me having second thoughts about marrying Chrissie."

Vic pulls a face and Robert shakes his head at her, "Oi don't make it plural. Andy made the _one_ joke before you were bolting out the door." She huffs out a sigh and then frowns. "Anyway, why you dressed like that?"

He's got those old battered jeans on, a grey top and he's had to slum it and wear a pair of Adam's trainers.

"Helping Aaron." He says, keeps his head towards the mirror and then hears her clear her throat like she's dying to say something. She doesn't though. "And then I'm off." He says, looks at her and sees how hurt she seems.

"Off as in gone?" Vic slides down the counter and frowns. "You've only been here a week."

"Yeah." Robert says, it's more than enough time. "You'll have to come down to London next time, when the wedding is nearer."

Vic smiles warmly at him and then she's sighing. "At least let me make you a nice meal before you go. I can invite Aaron if you like."

Robert frowns, something slithers through him. "Aaron? I'm already spending a few of my precious hours with him Vic." It's the best cover he can give and Vic takes it, just nods her head and asks what she should make then.

"Seriously Vic, it's fine. I'll have a drink at the pub tonight before I go okay?" He says and she agrees, eventually.

 

 

::

 

 

Aaron's leaning against his car by the pub when Robert comes out towards the street. He's biting his nails and it's a habit Robert has always hated but he shakes his head against it, comes closer towards Aaron until he's raising his head.

"Oh." Aaron scoffs. "You didn't need to dress like that." He says and Robert's eyes widen. "I've got to get some furniture to fill the space, you could have warn you snazzy suits." And Robert fucking would have if he had known. "Shame." Aaron says, clicks his tongue and opens the car door.

Robert doesn't comment, just slides in and sighs. "I'm getting changed." He says almost immediately and Aaron laughs, actually laughs as Robert darts out of the car and heads back to the cottage.

When he appears ten minutes later he's at home in his navy suit, slides back in the car again and clears his throat. "So why did you need my help picking out furniture?"

Aaron rolls his eyes, clicks on his seatbelt and then starts driving out of the village. "You always said my tastes were too -"

"Chavvy." Robert remembers, can't resist smiling as he sees Aaron pulling a face and shaking his head.

"It needs to look good." Aaron nods his head slowly, "Can't just have a sofa and an X Box in the middle of the room." He says and then pushes on the radio.

Robert's eyes widen, he's met with the music of his teen years.

It's all Artic Monkeys and The Killers and he has to stop the surprise on his face as Aaron tosses out the playlist or whatever it is and just presses buttons for stations to play.

The car is filled with pop music and Robert relaxes in his seat until Aaron's talking again.

"Listen, I uh - I wanted to say that, you know about the other night -"

"We don't need to talk about it." Robert says, he doesn't want to.

"I know." Aaron gulps. "But I just wanted to say that I was sorry if I bought up shit for you."

And he's kind, and he's exactly how he used to be.

Robert gulps hard, he hadn't expected that but he accepts it.

"I'm sorry too." He whispers, "You know, for the record."

Aaron nods, "I'm starting to believe that, didn't think I would after all these years." He says, turns a corner and then looks at Robert, there's almost something soft in his eyes and Robert feels like he's falling.

 

 

::

 

 

They're in IKEA naturally and Robert hates everything in the world.

He looks like a twat in his suit and now he's following Aaron around with a trolley and watching him debate with himself over every little thing.

"Blinds right?" Aaron says, voice stressed and all over the place and Robert can't help but soften his bad mood.

"Yeah." Robert says, sights a pair of white ones. "There you go." He puts the number down on his phone so that when they're finally down they can be ordered.

Aaron's smiling gratefully and then he's charging towards where the sofas are. He's eying up some chunky brown thing and Robert is fucking horrified but it's got s soft texture and it's large enough, he supposes.

"How about this one?" Aaron says and when Robert shrugs his shoulders. "I hate shopping." He says, and Robert knows he does, always has known but he didn't want to remind him.

Robert clears his throat and pushes the trolley towards Aaron. "Alright, let me take over." He says, tries to channel Chrissie as he stalks around the huge shop and starts looking around. "What is it you need then? I take it a sofa, a telly, you've set up a kitchen area too haven't ya?"

Aaron nods and then Robert frowns at him.

"Do you mind me asking how you're paying for all of this?" And by the look on Aaron's face he fucking does. "Sorry."

"I've saved up for years. Made a neat investment in France I've been sitting on." He says, shrugs his shoulders. "Told ya, I wanted to make a difference."

And it's always so fucking noble with Aaron isn't it?

Robert smiles. "And I can't help? I know a few people who could -" Aaron looks uncomfortable and Robert gulps. "I want to help you."

And he does, oddly enough. Because he can imagine Aaron having this dream, this idea of helping others and wanting to make something of himself. Saving up, living with his mum in order to save money for it and he's suddenly wanting to do something for him.

He wants to offer money, furniture, _something_.

Aaron nods, "You are. You're holding the trolley aren't ya?" He says and then Robert is trying to smile. "I want to do this on my own. Prove that I can."

Robert understands, because Aaron always had problems with self belief. He was a Dingle at the end of the day and no one really expects much from any of them.

"I get it." Robert says, and he does.

That's why he stays, helps, laughs at how frustrated it all makes Aaron.

There's something there between them, almost a fondness which has somehow survived.

 

 

::

 

 

Robert's got a stiff neck, he's trying his hardest not to complain but he can't feel his legs anymore and there's a cardboard box digging into his back.

"How much longer?" Robert winces and Aaron stops looking towards the road, looks towards Robert instead and rolls his eyes.

"Stop being such a baby." Aaron tells him, always so clear, always so blunt.

"I can't feel my legs." Robert hisses and then Aaron's rolling his eyes at him again, he's leaning over just a little and Robert doesn't know what he's doing until he's attempting to shift the box from underneath Robert's feet.

"Aaron don't be a prat, look towards the road." Robert's saying and then suddenly he's having to lean over and steer them out of the way of a passing car and they're sliding down a ditch.

"Rob!" Aaron's shouting, pulling himself up and then attempting to steer them somehow onto the road again.

But he fails and they're fucking lucky they don't get hurt as Robert watches them narrowly miss a tree and slide to a halt.

For a second Aaron isn't moving and Robert thinks the worst but then he's shrugging his shoulders and swearing and Robert can't help the way his hand falls on Aaron's shoulder.

Relieved.

"You absolute twat." Robert huffs out, hand over his chest. "We could have died." He says and Aaron rubs at his head slowly.

"Yeah well, you kept pecking my head about being uncomfortable. I was only trying to help."

Robert rolls his eyes, "Great job." He says sarcastically and then tries to prize the door open, he does it with ease and then suddenly there's mud surrounding them. "Great. Fucking brilliant." He says and Aaron leans over, realises what's wrong.

"We're stuck." He says, like it isn't obvious.

"Yeah no shit Sherlock." Robert puffs out. "Wonder how that happened?" He growls and Aaron waves a hand in front of him.

"You need to go out and push, I'll start the engine." Aaron says, and Robert knows that he's probably been here before, maybe him and Adam were twats like this.

Robert scowls, "Me? Why can't you go out?" He's arguing and Aaron's saying something about knowing how to work his own car and Robert doesn't want to believe him.

"But my -"

"Italian leather shoes or whatever? Yeah, sorry but I'd like to get us out of here as quickly as possible." Aaron says, and Robert sighs hard, hesitates before shaking his head and pulling the door open.

He presses down into the mud and can practically see the mud ruining the leather as he walks towards the boot. He can't get over it until Aaron's shouting at him to try and push and then he hears the engine running.

It takes about five seconds for his suit to get ruined, for the mud to start flying towards him as the engine keeps on going, he's head to toe covered in mud and Robert can't help but shout the way he does.

"Aaron! Cut - the - engine! Aaron!"

He hears the engine slow down, sees that it's actually made a difference and Aaron's managed to get them back onto the grass but he doesn't even care because his suit is _ruined_.

Aaron's eyes widen as he gets out of the car and looks at Robert. "Oh." He says, looks like he's fighting back laughter as Robert attempts to get the mud out of his hair and away from his face.

He can't actually believe how much of a prat he looks as he sights himself in the mirror of Aaron's car.

"Don't. Even. Think. About. Laughing." Robert says, pointing at Aaron and then he's slowly peeling his blazer from him, shaking his head.

"Sorry." Aaron says, pulling a cheeky face and then Robert's walking back towards the mud, trying to get back into the car. "Rob -" Aaron says, tries to help him and suddenly Robert feels like a kid again, he's dragging Aaron down into the mud and he's hearing the younger man gasp in shock.

He's top his covered and so are his precious jeans and just for a second Robert is seventeen and he's found someone who he thinks he'll have with him forever.

"Are you _kidding_ me Sugden?" Aaron shouts, through laughter, and Robert's taken aback by the nickname.

He's eighteen and he's wanting Aaron. He's wanting to kiss him.

Aaron's always been that sort of lad, the play fighter who could go at it for hours. Things haven't changed it seems as he wrestles with Robert in the mud and helps ruins his suit even more.

And for a second, or two, or maybe even more, Robert doesn't even care about it.

He's covered in mud, flat on his back and Aaron Dingle is pinning him down, won't let go of his wrists and he's grinning too.

They're panting with laughter, faces so close and Aaron shakes his head.

"I've missed this." He admits and Robert can almost feel it coming.

But he doesn't do anything about it at all.

Aaron's lunging towards him and he's kissing Robert, he's kissing him and holding onto Robert's face like he doesn't even want to think about letting go.

And Robert knows, he remembers the feeling. He's closing his eyes and Aaron's kissing him and they're kids again, only Aaron works quicker getting his tongue in his mouth and it makes Robert hitch a breath.

And then everything is too much, it's too familiar and things are going to go wrong and -

He shoves Aaron away, _hard_.

"What are you doing?" Robert's shouting at him, clambering to his feet and rubbing at his mouth.

Aaron's eyes widen, "I'm - I thought you -"

"And I thought we agreed that we both have moved on?" He snaps, and Aaron just stands there looking lost.

He's got tears in his eyes, "Robert please don't -"

Robert shakes his head. "I'm straight. You were a mistake. This - this was nothing Aaron. It wasn't then and - it certainly isn't now."

He can see what it's doing to Aaron, it's like mini daggers in his heart but he carries on because he can't help himself.

"I get it." Aaron drops his head, like he's a little boy.

"I don't think you fucking do." Robert snaps, and then Aaron's coming closer and he's shaking his head. "Stay away from me Aaron." He says, forgets everything else and walks back home.

 

 

::

 

 

Vic's not in when he bundles back into the cottage, the lights aren't on and there's a shiver which races through him as he realises neither is the heating.

Robert makes himself at home, flicks the switch and waits by the radiator until warmth is travelling up his finger tips and making him feel something other than this feeling which he can't describe.

He doesn't want to stay where is, focus on one spot or anything because he'll become stuck and his mind will think about one person and what just happened and what he walked away from.

So he's charging up the stairs, peeling off the ruined suit and scrubbing himself in the shower. He won't stop, he's almost relentless and it's hurting but he doesn't care.

The water is hot, steam is rising and he can't do anything about what swirls up inside him.

He's scrubbing all over, he can see his skin turn red raw and he keeps at it.

He's thinking about Aaron and the mud and rolling around, about the way he laughed and then the way Aaron said what was on his fucking mind.

'I've missed this.'

And Robert has. He really has.

He's misses the fucking farm and the hay and the care free attitude he used to have.

He misses it all.

He missed him _most_.

But he can't say that can he? He doesn't have the right.

The water falls over his head, down over his shoulders and it makes Robert struggle to breathe for a second, and then he's lifting his finger up and pressing it towards his lips.

He remembers how it felt. He remembers Aaron crashing into him and the way his tongue slid in and made Robert's whole body tingle.

He can't fucking forget.

The sound of the door trying to be opened makes him freeze and look at the bolt slid across.

"Oh sorry man." It's Adam and he wants to hit him for being such a prat.

"I'll be out in a sec." Robert says, turns the water off and looks down at the drain. It's filled with mud still and he quickly pulls the shower head down to wash it all out. It takes a while and then he's swinging a towel around his waist and opening the door.

Adam's leaning on the staircase, has his face towards his phone.

"Oh cheers." Adam says as Robert kicks the door so that it stays open for him. Then he's turning around and frowning, "Oi uh, are you coming to the pub before you go?"

Go.

Robert's chest thuds. He's leaving isn't he? That's what he told Vic, that's what was supposed to happen.

"Uh." Robert gulps. "I haven't actually packed yet so I don't know." He says, backs towards the spare room and then hears Adam say something about it being up to him.

When he's alone in the room, Robert's eyes fall onto his suitcase in the corner of the room. It's not even five yet, he has time to hit the road and call Chrissie and tell her he's going to book a flight and be with her soon.

It's not too late. The thought seems to climb through him and he can't shake it until he's dressing again and he can hear Adam potter about downstairs.

Then he hears the door banging, he hears Adam laughing and then asking if someone is alright.

Then he hears Aaron's voice, "I - I don't know, I -" he's almost frantic and then he's shuddering. "Is Robert here?"

Something dies away in Robert's chest and he suddenly darts down the stairs, he's grabbing a bottle of something and pulling it under his arm, escaping through the back door before Adam can have the sense to try and call out for him.

 

 

::

 

 

He's by the bridge, he's got the cap off the whiskey and he's necking it back like a teenager.

It's later now. Vic is probably waiting for his goodbye drinks at the pub and he feels like he's failed her somehow because he's drunk too much and he can't go there, he can't even fucking leave either now.

He's trapped and he hates it.

"I didn't want to be back here." He says, looks towards the river down below which runs by. "I didn't want to miss this. Not when I have her." He's saying, keeps drinking, can't stop.

And then he's seeing him standing there.

He knows that he's heard as well.

Aaron's just there, purple hoodie and wide eyes and tears almost threatening to fall without warning.

And Robert wants nothing more than to hate him.

"Go away." Robert gulps hard, feels like he needs to hold onto the wood and balance himself as he tries to look away from Aaron. "I _told_ you to stay away from me." He says.

Aaron steps forward, "I thought you'd gone." He sounds like he's been running, like he's been scared or something and Robert can't look up. "I thought you'd -"

"Yeah well I can't now." Robert slurs, waves the bottle in Aaron's face. "I've fucked up that chance and now I'm trapped here." He says.

Aaron blows out a breath. "Don't say it like that." He whispers, "Robert -"

"You kissed me." He blurts out and everything stops around him.

He can't stop thinking about it again.

"I'm sorry." Aaron says, something breaks in his voice and it's petrifying.

"No you're not." Robert shakes his head. "Its been your plan all along hasn't it?" He says, doesn't understand the tears in his eyes. "Trap me. Keep me here, force me to relive every mistake I made with you."

And it's Aaron's turn to look away, look hurt.

"I said I'm sorry." Aaron gets out, comes towards Robert and sighs. "I shouldn't have kissed ya."

Robert looks up at Aaron and then lets the younger man drag the bottle away from his grip.

"I hate seeing ya like this." Aaron shakes his head. "I didn't think you _were_." He admits, like he's had this idea of Robert in his head and this is just a disappointment.

"Have I disappointed you Aaron?" He scoffs, almost laughs and it shouldn't hurt him as much as it does.

Aaron sniffs. "Yourself more like." He says, bites down on his lip. "This isn't the boy I knew."

And it somehow makes Robert see red. "Yeah?" He says, turns towards Aaron and his eyes are suddenly filled with tears. "Well he isn't here anymore Aaron! He's gone, he grew up."

Aaron nods, "I never wanted him to." He says softly, like he means it so much.

Robert drops his head, "Well he did. And he got his head out the sky, tried to make something of himself." He gulps. "He moved on, alright, he had to."

And the way he says it all manages to give him away, manages to make Aaron look like he's been punched.

"We had to." He says, before leaning away from Aaron and walking away.

"I thought you already had."

Robert hitches a breath, can't even speak as he turns around and sees Aaron staring at him.

"I have." He says, eventually.

"Was it hard?" Robert hears it, eyes wide as Aaron comes closer towards him. "You know, forgetting me?"

Robert shudders, he's suddenly thinking back and back and back to how it felt to have to completely wipe Aaron from his memory.

What they had, what they could have been.

"I bet it was so easy for you." Aaron shakes his head, "It always is, walking away."

And it wasn't. It never is.

That's why Robert's charging back towards Aaron, his drunken state of mind is thinking it's fine to shove him against the trees and nearly knock him over.

But Aaron's always been stronger, he's holding Robert up and their foreheads are pressed together.

"Let me take you back." Aaron whispers and Robert can't even argue. He's nodding and feeling himself fall into Aaron's chest. He's feeling sorry for himself, he has a right to be somehow.

 

 

::

 

 

The wind hitting his face is enough to almost jolt Robert out of his drunken state, almost.

He's got the window down as far as it can go and Aaron's driving slowly.

"If you're sick in my car after getting mud everywhere earlier, I'll kick you out." Aaron says, no bite in his voice as Robert tries to smile. "Robert?" He says, voice filled with concern.

"I won't. Promise." Robert says slowly before turning towards Aaron and feeling something stir up inside his whole body, it sparks and ignites and suddenly he can't breath. "I'm sorry for before."

_I'm sorry for how I always seem to hurt you when it's the last thing I want to do._

Aaron gulps, his eye twitches. "You'll have to be more specific than that." He scoffs and then Robert is seeing what lies beneath. He's seeing the hurt there.

"I mean it Aaron." Robert says, and Aaron's slowing down even more, he's moving into a lay by and turning off the engine.

"You mean what?" Aaron's frowning, like he doesn't believe it, like he doesn't want to. "You're sorry? After all this time?"

And he always has been, that's what hurts.

Robert stays silent, he probably shouldn't but he does.

It only makes Aaron angry somehow, he's all teary and shuddering. "You never have been." He says, goes to leave the car like he needs a few seconds to breathe and Robert jumps the gun.

"I wrote to you so many times in my head." He admits, feels like he's a boy again. "But nothing ever actually made sense and - it was always stupid." Robert gulps hard and feels Aaron slowly turn to him. "And I was sorry." His chin wobbles. "And I wanted you to know that, but I wanted you to forget all about me even more."

It's gushing out of him, just won't stop and he feels something shatter in his chest, this wall is being crushed down.

"Robert." Aaron's chin is wobbling, he's got a hand on Robert's face and turns him slowly towards him. "I didn't know -"

"I didn't want you to." Robert says, " _Fuck_ I didn't want to." He looks at Aaron, "Leaving here, leaving you, it was the hardest thing I've ever done." He admits, feels tears in her eyes.

Aaron closes his eyes and there's a tear rolling down his face. "All this time? You didn't come back."

And Robert comes closer, "I couldn't." He whispers, "It was too hard." He admits and then suddenly he's looking right into Aaron's eyes. "I wanted to." He says and Aaron is still looking at him like he can't quite believe it. "I wanted you more than -"

And then Aaron's shaking his head, trying to open the door and leave and Robert suddenly can't let that happen.

That's why he's shoving at him and then he's -

Robert's kissing him and everything is melting around him. Aaron's resisting at first, trying to pull away but then Robert's moaning into him, pinning him back and Aaron can't pretend anymore it seems.

He's doing what he used to do, hands flying towards Robert's hair, knowing where to tug, knowing how to make Robert shiver and shudder and turn pink with heat and passion.

And it's dark, the stars are out already and Robert is kissing Aaron and Aaron is kissing him back.

Aaron's the one feeling at Robert's crotch, pulling down the zipper and Robert doesn't stop him.

He can't.

It's happening, Aaron's mouth is on him and then it's falling down _there_ and making Robert push his head back and groan and he hasn't had this for fucking years and years and it's Aaron.

And Aaron's better than before, and Robert didn't even think that was possible.

"Fuck, Aaron -" he's breathless, speechless.

But Aaron doesn't say anything, just keeps going, keeps dragging Robert right back to his teens with every look and every moan and every little touch.

"Aaron, _God_." He holds his head down, feels his heart explode. " _Yes_."

And -

Robert's enjoying himself too much. He knows it, feels it wash over him, sink in. But then Aaron's looking at him, lust and passion in his eyes and it's already too late isn't it?

There's no stopping this at all.

There was no point in ever even trying to.

 

::

 

 

Vic isn't pleased.

She makes it clear by clattering around plates the next morning and springing the curtains open wide just as Robert makes it down the stairs.

She's pissed about the fact that Robert just disappeared last night and yeah she has every right to be but the last time Robert checked he was a grown man.

Robert rubs at his eyes, "You mind making a little _less_ noise, my head is killing me." He moans, feels something churn in his stomach as he slowly sits down on the chair and places his head in his hands.

He's hungover basically.

"Hmm, is that maybe because you nicked a bottle of Adam's and high tailed it out the village to go drink it like some old -"

"Again Vic. Little less noise." Robert tells her, hasn't got the patience or the words to say literally anything else.

"Where did you get to anyway?" She's asking, a few minutes later once she's decided to stop thrashing things about.

And it makes Robert stiffen and stir and want to explode.

Because Aaron had come and found him of course, had offered to drive him home, had kissed him back in his car, had given Robert the best blow job of his life, had gladly received the same thing and then driven Robert back in this soft silence like they were a couple of teenagers.

And Robert had done that fuck awful thing and said "Thanks."

Just as he got out the car and nodded at Aaron, didn't want to sit around at here Aaron say anything like:

_'I missed this._

_What happens now?_

_I want this and I want you._

"I wanted to be alone." He says, slowly.

"Oh." Vic says, suddenly curious. "I thought you were -"

"I am going." Robert says defiantly. "Look, I had too much to drink didn't I? I got myself into a state, thinking about too much - I don't know." He doesn't have the energy to lie. "But I'm going -"

His phone vibrates on the table and he looks straight at the message.

**It's Aaron, I think we need to talk about last night.**

Robert's eyes widen and he swipes the phone, feels something hammer in his chest and he's not ready to talk about it or anything like that.

He _can't_.

"Going when?" Vic asks, arms folded and Robert can't think.

And then he can.

"Today." He says, because last night was what he needed to finally get Aaron out of his system. "I'm going today."

 

 

::

 

 

He's finally getting round to packing his bags, he's taken that step at least and it's not hard like he thought it was going to be.

It's all the focusing on folding which makes Aaron seem to disappear from his thoughts a little and Robert's grateful for a while until he's having to sit down and pull a hand through his hair.

There's a knock on the door suddenly and it's Adam of all people, he's got a frown on his face as he comes through the door and Robert already knows he hasn't got time for him.

"Did you walk into the wrong room?" Robert's saying, with a frown on his face to mirror Adam's. But the idiot isn't finding the humour in it, just keeps his arms crossed like he's serious.

"Aaron said something last night." Adam says, eyes staring hard at Robert and not moving away.

Robert freezes, a hand falling over his watch and shuddering. "Is that meant to mean something?" He asks, always so confident and Adam looks like he's lost it, he's shutting the door and coming closer.

"Look I won't pretend like I know all about whatever you two have been doing but -"

"What's that supposed to mean?" And it's too close, it's too much and he's standing up, almost squaring up to Adam like he's going to do something. "No, go on."

Adam shakes his head, "He was looking for ya, babbling on about not meaning it, not wanting to feel how he felt anymore."

And it nearly makes Robert drop his gaze.

"I'm guessing that's about you." Adam says, comes even closer and for a second Robert thinks about spilling it all.

Because he's going back to Chrissie anyway.

His mouth is opening and he's huffing out a sigh and then the door is flying open and Vic is standing there looking all wide eyed and flushed.

"Vic, I really don't have time for whatever you're going to stay." Robert says, pushes a hand out without even looking at her and then she's pulling a face and -

"Sounds about right." He hears and then he sees her.

Chrissie's standing in his temporary room, with his curious brother in law who already knows too much and his little sister and -

This isn't going to end well.

 

 

::

 

 

Vic and Adam stalk off somewhere and leave Chrissie standing there with a hand on her hip.

Robert gulps hard. It takes a few seconds for his brain to start working again but when it does he's almost on a roll.

"I can explain." He says, hand stretched out and a sorry look on his face. "I promise you I -"

Chrissie frowns. "Explain what? How you've been lying to me for the last week?"

Robert sighs, so she knows that then. "Listen to me alright?"

"No." Chrissie snaps. "I rang Clive, I was worried about you and thought something had happened and all along you've been visiting your family."

Clive. Fucking Clive.

"I'm just - it was just a fly in visit." He lies and then she looks at his suitcase.

"I'm sure." She says sarcastically and then she's shaking her head. "Why didn't you just tell me the truth?"

And yeah, that really is the golden question isn't it?

Robert tries to speak but nothing comes out. "Because I - I didn't -"

"Because you didn't want me knowing that you can't stand my own son?" Chrissie says, and it stretches across the room. She's always had her insecurities and yeah Robert hasn't helped with that considering he's seemingly travelled up to Yorkshire just to get out of visiting him in Poland.

"That's not true." And it isn't, not really.

"Why then?" She's saying, loud, dramatic like Robert expects and he just lets her rant until she's widening her eyes at him and he knows she now expects an answer.

He tries to but then she's waving her arm out and disappearing out the room, down the stairs.

"Chrissie, wait, where are you -"

"I need a drink." She hisses, passes Vic who wants to know what's wrong. "Your brother is a born liar. That's all." She snaps and Robert knows he has to run after her.

But it's a bad idea.

Because it's lunch time, and Chas is standing there with an eyebrow raised as Chrissie comes through the door.

Robert knows it's because of her brown leather boots, her tight fitted blazer, her designer handbag. He knows and he's oddly proud to call her his, because all eyes our on her and it's mad.

"I don't want to speak to you." Chrissie dismisses him, asks for something Robert knows Chas doesn't know where to look for. "Go back to your family." She says, and then Robert comes closer, tries to hold her arm and then she's shaking him away. "Is it because you were ashamed of me?" She snarls, looks around the quaint pub and then drops her head. "You are aren't you?"

Robert blinks once, then twice. "Of course I'm not." He says quickly.

"Well then what?" She's asking and then Aaron's slowly coming through the door, perfect timing and Robert can't not stare at him.

Aaron stares back, then looks at Chrissie and drops his head and Robert can hear her heels rushing past him and then he's running out after her and remembering how to use his feet and -

"You lied on purpose." Chrissie snaps. "For a reason." She says and then she's shaking her head. "I can't be around you."

And Robert's eyes widen, "Chrissie, please -"

Chrissie scoffs, she's halfway down the road and she gets into her car. "I tracked you down because I was scared about what had happened to you, and I find you here being cosy with a family you told me you hardly get along with? Was that a lie too?" Robert goes to speak. "I can't even look at you."

And he knows she's angry but -

"Please, Chrissie we're getting married. You can't just walk away."

Chrissie's going towards her car, tears in her eyes. "Watch me." She hisses, cruel, so unkind and Robert feels something punch his gut hard.

He watches her drive out the village and everything breaks down around him completely.

And Robert can already feel Aaron before he turns and sees him by the pub door with this look on his face.

He seems sorry, but glad too and Robert charges passed him.

"You can wipe that smug smile off your fucking face." Robert says, tears stinging his eyes as he tries to keep walking but Aaron grabs his arm and they're so close it almost burns through Robert. He's having all these flashbacks and he can't breathe.

"We need to talk." Aaron says, voice low.

Robert pushes away from Aaron's grip and frowns. "You fucking think I want to talk to _you_ right now? My fiance's just drove off and left me."

And Aaron's more confident than he was before, when he was younger, you know, before they gave each other blow job's in his car like horny teenagers.

"Will you stop being an arsehole for a second." Aaron shouts, shakes his head hard and then Robert's wanting Aaron to leave him alone to panic over Chrissie coming out of nowhere and then leaving just as fucking quickly.

"So we can talk about last night? That drunk mistake." Robert snaps out angrily and Aaron scoffs.

"How predictable _are_ you?" Aaron's saying, anger and almost pity laced in his voice and he steps back, like he's waiting for another blow and then he comes forward. "I know you Robert, I know you meant what you said last night."

Robert feels something stir in his chest, "You know nothing alright? You're just a blip, someone from the past who won't move on and let me be happy and let me go because you have nothing else do ya? You've done nothing with your life and - and -"

"Save it." Aaron says, and he looks so sad. "I should have known this would happen. I'm an idiot for that, but you," he looks up and Robert holds his breath because he's got tears in his eyes. "You'll never be happy. Fancy London Town hasn't helped you at all mate. But go back, forge my signature, do what you like. Just don't ever fucking use me as your crutch again."

And he pushes past Robert with a force which nearly knocks Robert over.

And when he's finally lifted his head, Robert sees Vic standing by David's shop, frown on her face and he already can hear her questions so he walks away and tries to avoid the Spanish Inquisition for as long as he can.

 

 

::

 

 

He's not stupid. He knows he hasn't got anywhere to go.

So he doesn't even try to have a coffee at the cafe. He can already hear the gossip.

He tries calling Chrissie twice.

Leaves a message saying he's sorry, that they need to talk, that they can get through anything.

He even manages to convince himself too.

And then he's walking towards the only place where Aaron's face doesn't occupy in his memory.

The cemetery.

He walks past his father's grave with his head down, can't bare the thought of even trying to look at it.

And then he's coming towards his mother's.

It's cleaner than his father's. He thinks he can remember hearing Vic saying something about putting some sunflowers down recently.

He sees them. They're not dying yet and it makes him smile.

"I should have brought some." He says to her, mostly chastises himself. "I'm sorry." He apologises with his head tilt. "I really am."

Robert gulps hard and then feels the wind pick up around him. "Chrissie's gone." He whispers slowly, like he can't get the words out, doesn't want to admit them. "She came and then - she just went and I don't think she wants me anymore ..."

And she doesn't, because she's never looked so disgusted.

"She hates me." He says and then quickly falls to his feet. He reaches out and touches the cold stone, "I bet you do too." He whispers, ashamed. "Because he does."

He hates him.

"Aaron mum." Robert's chin wobbles and then he's shuddering. " _Aaron_." He used to speak to her about him all the time, sat right here, nobly knees, pale skin. "He hates me and I _can't_ hate him back. I just can't."

Because that's always been the biggest problem.

He'll never be able to just hate him.

"I can't help but hurt him either. It's all I do." He says, he's almost numb to it now, the realisation.

_"You know nothing alright? You're just a blip, someone from the past who won't move on and let me be happy and let me go because you have nothing else do ya? You've done nothing with your life and you're and - and -"_

Robert shakes his head, he's fucking glad that Aaron was there to stop him from saying anything else he didn't even mean.

"I need to say sorry." And it's almost like his mum is telling him he should, saying its okay for him to break a wall down and just reach out and try and -

"To Chrissie." He pushes out, "To him. To -" he raises to his feet and then he's holding her headstone firmly, "I'll put it right, I swear mum." He promises and then he's walking away.

He's leaving Chrissie another message and he's practically running towards the old shack where he knows Aaron has to be.

The old shack which isn't an old shack is there.  
  
And it's amazing, makes something jolt in Robert's chest.

"Aaron?" Robert calls out, pushes open the door and then looks up.

Aaron's not there and suddenly he feels something fall away in his chest.

He needs to say sorry, then he needs to run away and try and fix this mess from afar because facing it head on wasn't worth all the pain he kept causing.

Robert steps forward, and then he's catching sight of something above his head. There's a loose beam or something and he pulls at it, then he's tripping on a fucking wire and -

Something crashes down on him, flattens him out on his back and for a second he's laying there and he can see blood splatter next to him on the ground.

His blood.

He tries to move and fails, feels himself panic and his heart restrict and then his eyes are rolling back and -

The last thing he thinks about are blue eyes and a heart too big for this fucked up world.

 

 

::

 

 

He sees something shining down onto him and for a second he thinks he's in heaven or something. The thought is almost maddening and then he's blinking against it, realising that he can see tiles above his head, a ceiling.

He can see someone staring down at him and trying to gauge his expression and something tightens in his chest.

There's a numbing pain racing through him which won't stop and he can feel himself almost slipping away as his eyes roll back but then he's recovery somehow and trying to sit up.

"Easy now." A woman says, a nurse. "I'm Gemma, Robert? You're in hospital right now and you've had quite the nasty accident."

And it doesn't help that Gemma looks about fourteen.

It makes this wild panic scorch through Robert's veins and then he's trying to sit up again, attempting to breathe without his eyes widening so much.

"Accident?" He manages to mumble out, a pain is still there and he reaches out to touch his head.

Gemma nods her head, starts fixing at the cloth stretched out over the bed. "Yeah." She says softly, "You managed to knock yourself unconscious you did, had a pretty nasty fall and hit your head hard. You lost a fair bit of blood, which is why you're hooked on to that." She taps towards some machine which draws Robert's gaze further down towards the wire sticking out of his lower arm.

It makes him panic just a little and she realises, tries to reassure him but she mentions a blood transfusion and he can't help the way he shakes his head and begins to worry.

"How long have I been here?" He's asking, voice tight and lacking control.

Gemma tries to smile, "A couple of hours. We had to act quickly." She explains and Robert watches her go towards the door before she's turning around and sighing. "You know, I get it must be worrying -"

But she's so young she probably doesn't.

"But you're lucky, it could have been a different story if that lovely husband of yours hadn't found you when he did."

And something breaks.

Husband.

Aaron's here, Aaron found him, Aaron didn't walk away.

"Is - is he here?" Robert's daring to say, something small in his voice which tries to breaks out without any warning.

Gemma tuts, smiles a little. "Made me promise to tell him when you woke up as soon as you did." She says.

And it somehow still makes Robert's heart skip a fucking beat.

 

::

 

 

He's ridiculously tired, can't help the way his eyes droop down and make him fall into this sleep again.

He feels like he's in a coma or something because he can hear everything around him but he just can't move. He can hear the sound of the big red hospital phone going, doctors and nurses running around trying to prepare equipment.

And then he hears his voice.

"Are you sure he's alright?" Aaron's saying, there's something weak in his voice and he sounds like he's been crying his eyes out. It makes Robert hate himself.

"He'll be a little bit drugged up but yeah, he's fine for you to go and see." It's Gemma speaking and he hears her feet die away as feet come closer towards him.

"You really scared me then." Aaron whispers, and Robert's eyes flutter open to look up at him. He looks pale, like he hasn't stopped feeling sick or something. "Rob?" He says, comes even closer and then his face is touching Robert's, their foreheads are pressed together and Robert doesn't know what to say.

Then he does, "I'm sorry." He whispers, that's the whole reason he went there in the first place.

Aaron pulls away, shakes his head. "What?" He's asking, confusion on his face.

Robert gulps hard, looks down at Aaron's hands and sees the blood stained there, his own blood.

"Don't look." Aaron insists, like he's shielding him, wanting to protect his hapless ex something.

Robert can't even remember the pain, just remembers laying there and being scared and being alone and knowing it was all his fault.

"I came to say sorry." Robert groans out, hitches a breath and then gulps hard again. Everything seems to be pulling away from him and he hates it. This isn't him, hospital beds and pale skin and having no one left in the world.

Aaron raises an eyebrow, surprise written all over his face.

"For what I did, what I said." Robert lifts his head and looks at Aaron, his chin wobbles and he shudders. "I didn't mean any of it."

Aaron looks away like he has to and then he's shaking his head, "You never do." He says, like he knows.

Robert frowns, "Well that isn't good enough." He punches out. "I shouldn't say things I don't mean because it hurts -" he winces, he's saying too much and then he's feeling Aaron lay him down again.

"Why don't you get some rest?" Aaron whispers, hovers over the vacant chair and then clears his throat as Robert stares at him. "What?" He's asking.

And Robert, the man who doesn't let anyone know what's really going on in his mind, what he really thinks or feels or wants says, "Don't go."

And he means it with all his heart.

 

 

::

 

 

Robert sleeps, feels this warmth near him and knows that Aaron hasn't gone yet.

He dreams too.

He's dreaming of a memory of Aaron laying in a hospital bed when they were younger, he had sprained his ankle and Robert had taken him. He remembers sliding into the bed with Aaron and playing video games until Chas arrived and gave them both a clip round the ear for using the farm equipment and 'nearly getting themselves killed.'

He remembers Aaron saying, 'Don't go.'

He remembers not wanting to leave him, not then, not when Jack made him either.

His eyes peel open and he looks across at Aaron, he's reading some car magazine and his chair is too far away for Robert's liking but he knows why. He doesn't blame Aaron for wanting to keep this distance between them, he was like that when Robert first came back, cold, unemotional because that way Robert wouldn't be able to hurt him.

And then he had, again.

"'Ron?" Robert whispers, he's feeling the full effects of whatever they have given him.

Aaron's alert suddenly, raises his head. "Should I call someone?"

Robert manages to shake his head, "You scare me." He whispers, "So much." He shudders and then Aaron's widening his eyes, "You always have."

Aaron looks back towards his magazine like he's attempting just to ignore Robert.

"Last night scared me too." Robert says, and Aaron can't just ignore, he raises his head again. "How much you wanted me." Something beeps near them and then it stops. Robert can see the look on Aaron's face, how uncomfortable he appears. "How much I wanted you." He says, "Still."

And everything is fading away.

Aaron gulps hard and looks away. "You need to sleep."

Robert shakes his head and then looks at Aaron properly, "You told them you were my husband." And Aaron pulls a face which tells Robert he's been caught out, well and truly.

Aaron clears his throat and something travels between them.

"Why?"

And Aaron just stays silent for a few seconds. "I am aren't I?" He says, something soft in his voice and then he's got tears in his eyes and Robert feels tears building in his own eyes.

"You are."

And Aaron catches his breath.

Robert shuts his eyes, smile dragging across his face as he opens them again and sees that Aaron's pushing a hand over his eyes and sighing.

"You can go, if it's too much." Because he can see, he knows Aaron's always been sensitive and it must have been a shock to see him laying like that, a pool of blood by his head. "I'd understand."

Aaron bites his lips, "I thought you were dead." He whispers, eyes vacant suddenly. "You were nearly cold." He says, "I thought -" he shakes his head and then Robert's pulling a hand out for Aaron to hold.

"Could you hold my hand?" Robert breaks through the misery, feels like a boy again who is desperate for Aaron to touch him.

And Aaron sniffs, nods slowly and scrapes the chair forward. "Yeah." He says, holds at Robert's hand and gently strokes his thumb across Robert's knuckles.

Robert's eyes flutter shut and he smiles to himself, "Never ever deserved you."

And he knows it's the truth.

 

 

::

 

 

When he wakes up again Aaron isn't there and something becomes panicked in his mind.

He misses the feel of Aaron's palm.

And then Vic is coming through the door and smiling weakly at him, "You okay sleepy bones? Gosh, you had us all worried." She says, sniffs like she's been crying.

Robert doesn't say anything, tries to sit up and then he can't. "All?" He's wondering who else even cares, maybe Diane, not Andy.

Vic frowns, "Rob you could have died if you were left for another hour or two. They said you had a blood transfusion and all sorts."

Robert's heard it all, just nods along to her and then he sighs. He's never had a headache quite like it.

"Diane's outside with Andy, but someone else wants to see you." She says, something light in her voice and Robert frowns until he sees her at the door.

Chrissie.

She's running towards him and the sound of her heels makes his head bang even harder. She throws her arms around him and she's sobbing her heart out.

"I thought - they said it was so touch and go for a while." Chrissie says quickly, eyes wet and Robert suddenly knows why Aaron looked the way he did.

He was probably told all of that, on his own.

"I'm alright." He says, just feels weak, like he can't stand.

"I've been so rash about everything." Chrissie blinks softly, tries to not ruin her makeup with her tears and starts dabbing a tissue under her eyes delicately. "Darling, I'm sorry."

And something tightens in his chest. She has nothing to feel sorry about, he does.

"No, no don't -"

"I should have listened." Chrissie says, sits on the bed and then shakes her head. Then she's pressing a kiss to his lips and Robert can't say he doesn't miss this. He does.

Then the door swings open, well someone knocks first and then Vic nods towards them and it's Aaron of all people.

Robert hates how out of place he looks.

"I best be getting off mate." He explains, plays with his hands a little and then Chrissie is smiling at him.

"You saved him?" Chrissie says, eyes wide and filled with appreciation and Robert suddenly hates the fact that they're even in the same room together.

"Uh yeah I suppose." And Aaron's always been modest.

Chrissie goes up to him and gives him a hug, and then she's opening her mouth. "If there's anything we can do, money wise I mean -"

Robert frowns, feels his cheeks begin to turn red as Aaron tries to politely decline.

And then he's going and Robert is watching him leave.

He goes and a doctor comes in, gives him an update as Vic starts playing with her hair and Chrissie holds his hand on the bed.

And then Gemma the nurse comes in and opens her big mouth about his husband and the room turns awfully quiet.

She excuses herself quickly and Vic raises her head like she's suspicious whilst Chrissie laughs.

"What's she on about? Husband?"

Robert gulps hard, and something just falls out. "Aaron." He whispers, for a second he sees Vic's face and he imagines the truth coming out and then he gets a damn grip. "The bloke who saved me, he's an old mate of mine from the village."

Chrissie shrugs her shoulders, "Okay ..." She says, "Doesn't explain -"

"Well he couldn't get ahold of Vic and - and they wouldn't tell him anything. So he said -"

Chrissie smiles, "Quick thinking." She says, "I suppose that Gemma thinks I'm some mad aunt who's too touchy feely then." And Robert forces himself to laugh as he watches Vic disappear out of the room slowly.

 

 

::

 

 

When she comes back, Aaron's with her and he looks like he's tired.

Robert watches from the window as Aaron shakes his head at her and starts waving his arms around, and then they're both coming back into the room and Vic is speaking quietly.

Chrissie's gone to get them all a coffee.

"What's going on?" She says, looks at her brother and then at Aaron. "I know something is so why don't you stop being boring and just tell me."

And Aaron looks over at Robert, sees Robert shake his head at him.

The door goes and Chrissie comes back in, sights Aaron and smiles.

"Oh look it's your husband Robert." She says and Aaron pales completely.

Robert tries to laugh again but it doesn't come out right and Vic is watching the way Aaron responds.

"He told me." Chrissie says, "I get it, I mean they wouldn't have told you anything otherwise." She says, and then Aaron's eyes are widening and then he's nodding.

"Uh yeah." He's saying.

"I mean, you could have said brother or - cousin but -"

"We look nothing alike." Robert pushes out quickly, tries to defend this awful lie.

And Chrissie accepts it, then asks what Aaron's doing back and Vic covers for him, says her car won't start.

Chrissie has the ability to forget people are even in the room and seconds later she looks towards Robert.

"Robert." She says seriously, "I thought the worst today, I thought I'd lost you." She gets out, tears in her eyes again and Robert is stunned because she really isn't a crier like this. "So it's changed things."

And Robert's heart rate increases, "What do you -"

"I want to marry you." Chrissie blurts out, and Robert holds his breath. "As soon as possible. And I've already been on the phone to - to the vicar in your village and she'd be happy to do it as soon as you are on your feet again."

Robert's eyes widen and he can't think about anything.

"I - I thought you wanted a big, mad, expensive -"

Chrissie pulls a face, "I wouldn't have had any of that if you didn't pull through." She says, holds his face, "You're all that matters to me."

Robert's mouth is dry and he just keeps staring at how sincere she looks.

"So, what do you say?"

And Robert, he looks straight at Aaron without meaning to, he watches the way the younger man has his shoulders slumped and his eyes are filling with tears.

And he has to hurt him one last time.

"Robert?" Chrissie's saying and Robert can see the frown on Vic's face.

He wants it gone because there's no confusion here, he loves Chrissie, he's going to marry her. She was worth coming back to the village for, the one filled with heartbreak and misery and his _dad_.

So,

"Yes." Robert says, "Of course yes." He sees the happiness radiate on her face and he clings onto it as she hugs him.

It's better than looking at the sadness pulled across Aaron's.

 

 

::

 

 

He's more than just a little relived when he's allowed to leave the hospital three days later.

Being there meant that he couldn't do anything other than listen to Chrissie rabbit on about all the favours she's managed to pull out of nowhere, all the table decorations and the jazz band.

It's not like Robert doesn't care, it's more like, why does Chrissie care so _much_?

She's been through it before hadn't she?

But then again so has he. In a different world, one where the only tradition he kept was having sex on his wedding night.

The car door slams shut and Robert winces because his head still feels like there's a marching band rehearsing in there and he needs it to stop.

"Back to normality then." Chrissie smiles, and she's decided that they can stay at The Grange instead of Vic's poxy spare room. It says something about her, makes Robert pull a face at the way she described how pokey Vic's house was, too small for them.

"Suppose so." Robert grumbles out, allows her to guide him a little towards the room, helping him up the stairs despite him telling her he can walk perfectly fine.

Chrissie draws open the curtains and then pulls open a window. "It's lovely here." She says and then she's turning around. "I could see myself living here."

And Robert's eyes widen.

It's bad enough that he's getting married in the village.

It's bad enough that Aaron has to see that, hear about it, maybe even get caught up in the buzz and do something daft.

Speaking of which, he needs to see him, because he literally can't marry Chrissie now without Aaron's fucking signature on the dotted line.

Chrissie wants to know all about the village and Robert tries his best to downplay it as nothing but a boring nosy area where people usually die of old age.

"Oh." Chrissie says, "Charming."

Robert smiles, "Why do you think I left?" He says, and well, she doesn't know really but that's besides the point.

She knows that he left when he was young, and that he landed on his feet when Lawrence employed him.

She hasn't really cared to know anymore.

Chrissie comes over to the end and laughs, "I see." She smiles and then she's looking at Robert all lustful. "I missed you." She says, kisses him hard and he kisses her back hungrily, hands reaching out to hold her close and he suddenly doesn't care that it's only just gone twelve.

But Chrissie does, she's all giggly as she moves away and bats him off and then her phone is bleeping annoyingly.

"Ah, that's Chanel." She says, still looking at Robert and for a second he thinks he should know what that is. Chrissie tuts, "The florist." She explains, rolls her eyes. "You're unbelievable."

Robert leans back on the bed, "Or I've recently suffered from a head injury and you're being mean." He bites back and Chrissie smiles at him before kissing his head.

"Right I've got to see her and finalise things, and then I have to ring Lucky and dad and Rebecca and see if they can come down -"

Robert raises an eyebrow, "There's no rush is there?" He says, trying to gauge how long he has to get a bloody divorce.

Chrissie frowns, "Well, yeah there is." She says quickly, hand on the door handle. "I've booked everything for the day after tomorrow."

Two days.

He has _two_ days.

His mouth falls open and he sees the look on Chrissie's face.

"I don't know why you're stressing, all you have to do is show up in a nice suit and get yourself a best man." Chrissie says, like she's losing her patience. "I'd say Andy but -" and then she pulls a face and Robert drops his head, he was going to do that cheesy thing and have Lachlan as his best man just to show that he loves him or whatever he should feel for the brat. "Or Aaron. He did save your life."

And the thought of Aaron being his best man is wrong in too many senses of the words.

That can't happen.

He watches Chrissie go, hears her down the stairs and then he's sitting up. He takes his tablets, knocks them back really and then gets dressed into something more causal. He has his leather jacket on, a jumper underneath and he attempts to brighten his cheeks in the mirror by squeezing them.

He needs to look a little alive at least.

Robert comes down the stairs slowly and gets out his phone.

He sees Aaron's number and he groans as he sends the text 'We need to talk.' Because he knows that Aaron's probably not handling any of this well, how many times has he banged on about wanting Robert to just go? Yet here he is now, getting married right in front of his face like it's okay.

Robert makes the mistake of standing out in the open, right on the Main Street and suddenly he's being called over by his sister and she's the last person he wants to see because she won't stop pecking his head. She thinks she knows something about him and Aaron but she's not able to put her finger on it, she might though, if her daft husband actually stops being daft and joins the dots with his stupid fingers.

"Robert." Vic says, she's collecting glasses outside the pub and tilts her head towards the building for Robert to come towards.

For a second he fights against it and then she's saying something about giving him some free chips and he's too hungry to refuse really.

He comes through the pub and Chas is standing there, she's looking so sour that it's almost comical.

"So Chrissie's asked me to do you a cake." Vic says, pours him a glass of orange juice and passes it over to his disgust. Fuck medication.

Robert nods his head slowly, doesn't even register what she means until she repeats herself and asks if that's alright.

"Why do I care?" He asks her and she widens her eyes.

"Uh, because you're the one getting married in what? Two days?" Vic says and Robert looks over at Chas, maybe she didn't know that because she just shakes her head and tells Vic to go back in the kitchen.

Robert sits by the bar because he knows she has something to say and she won't just let him go without getting it out.

"Two days." Chas says, eyebrow raised. "I mean I've heard of a gun shot wedding but not exactly this way -"

Robert leans over, jaw clenching. "This is not like that." He says angrily, "So keep your nose out where it's not wanted." He snaps, shouldn't but does and her eyes flicker.

"Hit a nerve I see." Chas says, eyebrow raised. "Maybe I'd keep my nose out if you didn't keep involving my son in whatever you've got going up in your sick brain." She hisses and there's so much malice in her voice. She used to be quite fond of him. Used to be.

Robert gulps hard, almost pales. "Yeah because I magically _made_ Aaron come and find me when I was laying unconscious. That was all my doing."

"Well why were you there in the first place?" Chas says, leans over the bar and Robert can't answer that.

He can't tell her he was going to go apologise to her son for making him feel like shit over what happened between them in that car, that night.

"Well that's none of your business." Robert says, scraps the stool away and stands. "Because, and I know this might sound strange to you, Aaron's an adult. He's not a kid anymore, and neither am I." He says, looks at her hard. "So no one gets to tell us what we do now." And that's directed at his father, not Chas, but he gets it out anyway and she staggers herself back a little like she's done with the grilling.

Robert goes to leave and then Vic is asking him to come into the back room where she's got a bowl of chips waiting for him. He follows her unwillingly and Chas doesn't say a word.

Vic sits down next to him and smiles softly.

"Shouldn't you be working?" He asks, looks down at his phone and sighs when he realises that Aaron hasn't text back at all.

"I'm on my break." Vic shrugs, "Thought I'd -"

"Grill me about something?" Robert rolls his eyes as she bites her lip. "Vic, how many times do I have to tell you that nothing is going on?"

Vic squints, "I'm not stupid Rob." She says, "Aaron's always avoided me whenever I mentioned you in front of him, and then you come back and he looks like he wants to kill ya." Robert shakes his head. "Then you're inseparable again and he's all worried about ya and saving your life and -"

"You're really over thinking things." Robert says and then he knows he has to come up with a lie that she'll believe. "Look, I didn't stay in touch did I? I left overnight and he was hurt by that, so I come back with a new life and he's jealous of it all. But he got over it and we -"

_It was like old times._

"We got on again." Robert finishes, then looks back down towards the table and picks up a chip.

Vic huffs out a sigh, "So why does Adam think differently?" And Robert tries not to pale. "Because he's got it in his head that Aaron's got feelings for you."

Robert's eyes widen, the fucking snake.

"For me?" Robert blurts out and then he's trying to laugh. "No." He says, but he's not convincing and Vic just frowns. "He hated me Vic, not - not loved -"

"Fine line and all that." Vic shrugs and Robert just shakes his head.

"Do you think I need this right now?" He asks and Vic looks all guilty. "I'm getting married in two days and your banging on about an old mate having feelings from me. Something your daft husband told ya."

"Oi. Adam's not daft." Vic says, all protective and then she stands up. "He's Aaron's best mate, I'm sure he knows what he's going through."

And Robert rolls his eyes at that. "Oh come on Vic, like anyone actually _knows_ what Aaron Dingle is thinking."

He's always been so closed off, so much like a blank canvas, only few knew how to use the right brushes and make him into something beautiful.

And Robert was one of them.

Vic goes to speak and then leaves the room, leaves Robert sitting there with his head in his hands.

 

::

 

The chips go cold and Robert finds himself sitting in the pub back room and feeling all out of place. Chas could walk in any minute now but then again so could Vic and she'd say he can stay wherever he likes so he settles down in the seat.

He's got a call from Chrissie about his thoughts on mint and ivory for their colour scheme and he nods along to it, willingly.

And then he's sighting a wedding magazine buried down amongst other trashy ones which Chas probably gorges on in the morning. He finds himself pulling it out and he feels over how glossy it feels.

There's a woman on the front of it, she's wearing this beaded wedding gown and Robert pulls a fact at all the bling. He has no idea what Chrissie will look like and a part of him wants to find out, a surge of excitement crashes through him and then he's looking through the pages.

There's table decorations and hundreds of different types of flowers to chose from and he finds himself smiling at the extravagance of it all considering he had a daisy pressed on his battered suit and nothing else at all.

The door clicks open and Robert instinctively looks up. He sees Aaron standing there in his running gear, he's panting hard and fast and then he's frowning harshly at Robert.

"What you doing here?" Aaron asks, and there's no softness in his voice like the days before now. He's cold. "Trying to hound me into doing what you want?"

Robert's eyes widen, "No." He says quickly. "No I - I just -"

Aaron shakes his head and then he's looking down at the table and Robert turns red. "You're sitting here, in my home, flicking through wedding magazines. Are you serious?"

And Robert's mouth hangs open, "I didn't know you were coming -"

"Please." Aaron scoffs, and then Chas is coming into the room and she's pausing as she looks at her son.

Aaron drops his head, "It's nothing mum."

"You're running." She says, "Aaron -" and then he's climbing the stairs and disappearing and Chas is looking at Robert like he's Satan himself.

"Get out of my house." Chas snaps, and Robert stands, frowns at her as he sees that she's almost fighting back tears. He goes to speak and she shakes her head. "That's your fault, that is."

"What?" Robert blurts out, "Him running?" He tries to confirm, "And how's that -"

"He used to do it all the time to cope after you left, push himself so far and then he stopped and I thought he was better and then he was cutting himself to -"

Robert's eyes widen, he feels something die away in his chest.

Aaron, his Aaron, self harmed?

Chas pulls a hand over her mouth. "I shouldn't have said anything." She says, angry with herself.

Robert comes forward, "Well you have." He says slowly, "Chas, did he do it because I left?"

And Chas just looks away. "I told you to get out of my house." She pushes out and Robert just stays still, almost frozen and then she's shouting at him to go and he feels his feet moving towards the door.

 

 

::

 

 

He tries finding him but there's no point is there? Aaron can hide himself away for hours, he's probably run himself into the distance somewhere far.

It's what he does isn't it? Chas basically said it, he'd run and run until his feet were bleeding or something drastic like that.

Robert tires to cast his mind back to when they were boys. Aaron never used to do anything like that. Yeah he was always reckless, that little bit more wild than anyone else but -

Robert can hear the sound of heels approaching him and he turns around, he sees Chrissie and he smiles.

"Hello you." Chrissie smiles softly, "What have you been up to all day?"

Thinking about Aaron self harming.

Thinking about the part I played in it.

Robert shrugs, turns around properly and links arms with her and walks back towards the village. "Not much. How was Chanel?" He asks, "You get everything sorted?"

Chrissie scoffs, "No." She laughs and then sighs. "Actually I have some bad news." He raises his head at her. "Lucky is refusing to come, he thinks I've abandoned him or something."

Robert tuts, pulls his disappointed face. "What?" He says, "Chrissie, we can't get married without him being here." And it's suddenly the perfect excuse.

Only, "He's doing it on purpose, he's trying to ruin my day just like Rebecca is."

Robert frowns. He's almost forgotten all about her. "Rebecca?"

"Says it's too short notice to fly out here." Chrissie shakes her head and shuts her eyes, and then Robert's rubbing at her arms. "You know what? I don't care, if they can't come then they can't come. I just need you there don't I?"

And Robert slowly nods. Then he's rewarded with a kiss.

"How about we head out of the village tonight, have some dinner?" He's offering, because he can't keep thinking and worrying about Aaron, he isn't his concern.

Chrissie pulls a face. "Well I sort of agreed to have some family dinner with your lot. Diane insisted."

And Robert can't think of a way to get out of it.

 

 

::

 

 

So Vic bakes a pie and everyone says how nice it is.

Chrissie barely touches it though, not used to such a rustic meal and Robert is reminded of their sharp differences as he tucks in without saying a word.

"Not a fan?" Vic asks Chrissie, a little bit more bite in her tone than Robert cares for.

Chrissie lifts her head, "Oh no it's not that -" she opens her mouth to speak and then closes it. "My dress should be arriving tomorrow, don't want to be ruining how I look in it."

Robert smiles at her, the way she drapes her arms around his neck and laughs.

"Oh." Vic says flatly, "I'd love to have a sneak peak."

And Vic just can't butt out.

"Yes of course, I mean considering my sister can't make it here in time, I'd love for you to see it." Chrissie leans over a little and then smiles again.

Vic gets herself all excited and Robert just keeps his head down, mainly to stop the daggers Adam keeps throwing his way.

Dozy Adam who maybe has it all figured out, who already knows that Aaron has feelings for him.

"Let's have a proper girls party thing." Vic is just full of it all and Robert winders if she's doing it on purpose because she really didn't care at all for Chrissie up until few days ago.

"What like a hen night?" Diane's piping up and that means so is Andy, he's all reluctant about a few pints in the pub if Robert was up for it.

And it's so painful but Robert agrees.

And he tries to have a good time too but Aaron's niggling at the back of his mind and Adam is making it worse.

"Just spit it out." He snaps, he's drying plates and looking over at Adam who's clattering around the place like a fool.

"Alright then." Adam sighs, turns the tap off and shuts the door so that he can really go all out without anyone else hearing. "Aaron's gone." He says bitterly and something dies away in Robert's chest as he hears.

"Gone?" Robert blurts out. "Gone where?"

"Away." Adam says vaguely, "Didn't tell me much, just that he couldn't be around here for a day or two and I know why."

Robert frowns, shakes his head, "You know nothing Adam." He says, "You have no idea -"

"So he doesn't have feelings for you then?" Adam says, and Robert drops his head. "He's my best mate alright? I know him, I've seen the way he is around you."

And Robert doesn't want to hear any of this at all.

"Shut up Adam." He hisses, there's something pounding in his chest and Adam shakes his head at him, calls him unbelievable and then he's trying to leave. "I can't change the way he feels Adam, I can't and I wish I could make him hate me but I can't."

And Adam turns around, "You and me both." He says with a sigh.

He goes and Robert feels this surge of something race through him, this need to get his phone out and call Aaron but he's not answering.

"It's me, Robert. I - Adam says you've gone and - I just needed to see you before you went. I need to see you Aaron, to talk and -" he loses what he tries to say and it all gets lost. But he sends it anyway and everything falls away from him as he grips onto the side of the counter and hears Chrissie from the living room, she's talking about flower arrangements and how lovely Harriet is and he just needs to run.

He needs something and then he gets it.

' Our barn. '

And his feet are carrying him there before he can even come up with a good excuse to leave.

 

 

::

 

 

He sees Aaron there and for a second he wants to turn and leave but he can't.

Aaron's sitting down and he's looking towards his feet, bouncing his knee.

He's suddenly hit with this feeling of guilt wash through him because he remembers the running gear and the confessions and everything else.

Aaron stands as Robert comes towards him and he clears his throat.

"Adam said you'd gone." He says, a little breathless and Aaron almost looks embarrassed.

"I got out the village, kept going and then I stopped." Aaron explains, head down. "Couldn't face leaving for some reason."

"For some reason." Robert repeats slowly, he knows what's travelling through them and he knows what is missing in the air and it makes everything swirl in his stomach. "I'm sorry about before, in the back room." Robert says and then he's looking at Aaron and his eyes are turning soft, almost filled with worry.

Aaron arches an eyebrow, "What you lookin' at me like that for?"

Robert shudders, it's dark outside now and it's cold too. He has to hug at his brown leather jacket and blinks quickly. "Because I'm sorry." He whispers, "Because it's all my fault isn't it?"

And Aaron frowns, "What is?" He says and then he's slowly, so slowly, looking away. "What's my mum said? Was it when she saw me and my running -"

Robert has tears in his eyes and he takes a step back. "I did that to you."

Aaron looks away, has this sadness about him and he sighs. "Stop it." He says, and then he's trying to reach out for Robert. "Me hurting myself has nothing to do with -"

Robert gulps. "Chas told me the truth Aaron." He snaps. "That you couldn't cope, that it was all too much and that you started self harming because -"

Aaron lowers his gaze, "There's a lot you don't know Rob, it wasn't all about -"

"I left you." Robert whispers, like he can't admit it properly. "And then you started cutting yourself."

Aaron looks down, "Robert, you can't think like that." He says, "Because it wasn't your fault, you wouldn't have been able to -"

"It wouldn't have happened in the first place if I didn't fucking _leave you_ like I did." Robert shouts, and he's shaking, shaking so much that Aaron has to hold his hands. It's all too much suddenly, and he's picturing Aaron hurting himself again and again and it won't step and he _can't_ stop him.

Aaron twitches, shakes his head. "I did it when you were still around Rob." He admits, like he's ashamed. "It was something I used to do." He shrugs.

Robert wants to cry because how did he never notice?

"I was good at hiding it." Aaron whispers and Robert has tears in his eyes. "Even when we - when we had sex I -"

Lights off. It's better that way.

That's what Aaron said.

"I could have helped you." Robert shakes his head. "That's all I wanted to do, help you." He whispers, head coming closer to Aaron's.

Aaron gulps hard. "It's in the past." He tries.

And Robert's eyes glaze over with tears. "And today?"

Aaron bites his lip, "I swear on my life, I just jogged up to the bridge and back." He says slowly. "I wasn't pushing myself."

Robert nods slowly, really slowly like he's trying to believe it and then he's looking down at the way Aaron is still holding his hands.

Aaron pulls away gently and then he clears his throat.

"I get it, if you want to go." Robert says, "If it's too hard to see me -"

Aaron rolls his eyes and pulls away even more. "I'm not going to hurt myself over you getting married in the village." He promises and then he's sighing, "Anyway, I suppose you need me to sign away our marriage before you go through with it."

And it's mad how it boils down to one lousy signature.

"I do." He says, "Yeah."

Aaron nods, looks towards the door and then he's biting his lip. "Look I need to go." He says, "Tell Ad that I wasn't thinking straight."

"Adam knows you know?" Robert says and Aaron turns bright red.

"Yeah," Aaron says, "Apparently I'm a shit liar unlike some." And it's laced with something soft. "I'll tell him to ease off." He says and Robert doesn't deserve it.

He deserves the way Aaron looks almost heartbroken and then leaves.

So he goes after him, or at least he wants to but his phone is vibrating and Chrissie is asking where he's got to.

It's a sign, it's a fucking sign.

 

 

::

 

 

Stag Do's are not his thing.

Ask anyone and he'd tell them that the idea makes him cringe like mad because who does he invite?

There's Andy. He's being surprisingly good about things and Robert doesn't feel the need to say anything about him potentially being jealous or anything like that.

So he's got Andy.

And Vic is really for pushing for Adam to come too and he's calmed himself down as well. Aaron's probably drummed something into his head which has made him take several steps back from the situation he couldn't help but get himself involved in.

Anyway, Adam only thinks it's unrequited love.

"So, you getting the beers in then or what?" Adam says roughly, plonking himself down on the stool in the pub and looking across at Robert.

Robert scoffs, there's a part of him which was foolishly quite excited about the prospect of leaving Chrissie and going off to talk about something other than flipping table decorations.

He's been with her all day, he's nearly seen her dress and then he's had the most awkward phone call in the world with Rebecca.

He's been honest with her, as best he can. So that means she knows to either stay away or get over it all and he can't allow himself to feel guilty about the way she hurried off as though she didn't want him to hear her crying.

Robert frowns harshly, "It's meant to be my stag do isn't it?" He remarks and then Andy's coming out of nowhere and slapping his back.

"Yeah, stag buys the first round, I swear that's how it works." Andy laughs out, his dumb little dopey laugh which makes him look like one of his kids.

Robert rolls his eyes and then huffs out a sigh, orders three pints from Charity despite not mixing alcohol sigh his medication, and puts up with her sark.

"Last night of freedom." Charity pulls a face and something slides in Robert's stomach, makes him feel sick. "How ya feeling then?" Her fake concern is ridiculous but Robert plays along.

"Like I'm about to marry my drop dead gorgeous -" And then he's cut off by Charity's face, she looks like she's going to be sick and he rolls his eyes at her before he hears Andy call Pete over for a pint.

For a second Robert thinks that he's Ross, the idiot, but then he's talking about tractors with Andy and he's safe.

It turns out Pete is with Debbie, which means he's basically little Jack and Sarah's step dad. It explains why Andy's all friendly and keeps asking about if he's seen Jack's handwriting book.

Everything seems to be going at a slow pace and Robert keeps his head down, he's thinking about the wedding in his head and how he thinks it's going to go.

Without a hitch, springs to mind.

But then he's thinking about Aaron. He hasn't seen him all day, they've agreed to meet tonight, in a few hours actually and Aaron's promised that he's actually going to sign the papers.

It's all going to end.

The thought shouldn't make Robert sad, he should be bouncing off the walls really because he's finally free of Aaron and the past and those chains which he links to his father have all just disappeared. He's managed to break them down. He's been brave enough.

And yeah, he's lost Aaron but he has Chrissie and Aaron will get over it. He already had, he's had relationships, he's fucking gone to France and lived with someone so that must have been serious.

But he was terrified a few days ago. He was petrified that Robert was dead or something.

Robert feels someone slap him on his back and it's Adam, he's asking if he wants a game of darts and he finds himself slowly agreeing.

Adam clears his throat, "Look, Aaron's explained a lot." He says, and Robert pales at his words. "About when you were younger. He had a crush on ya, I get that." He pauses. "You being here bought some bad shit up for him." And Robert doesn't deserve this story. "I shouldn't have taken it out in you, blamed ya for his feelings or whatever."

Robert blinks quickly, Adam's opinion has never really mattered _ever_ , yet now he smiles into it and he's grateful.

"It's alright mate."

Aaron would be proud, he thinks.

Adam nods his head quickly and then sighs. "Anyway, let's hope he's having a nice time on his date."

His date. Aaron's on a date.

And it's typical.

Chrissie's off somewhere pretending she loves the tackiness of a Hens do with Vic and Bernice and whoever else. And Robert's in here trying to get through it all by knocking back pints and -

Aaron's on a date.

"A date?" Robert's saying, almost accusingly and Adam raises an eyebrow, then lets it fall.

"Yeah." He says, starts playing with the darts in his hand. "Not a problem is it?"

Robert looks away, scoffs. "Problem? No, nah I just -" and he feels heat travelling through him, and Adam looks like he thinks he's onto something.

"Oi guys, you gonna play or -" Andy says, comes out of nowhere and then he's frowning, sensing the tension and opening his stupid mouth, "Oi uh, is Aaron not about?" He's asking and Robert almost recoils at the mention of his name.

Because he's seeing Aaron sitting across some builder type guy, not even interested in each other, just wanting sex and to have that attraction and heart and -

"Can you see him Andy?" Robert blurts out, he's beginning to lose his cool and then he hears heels against the floor and he knows it's Chas who's suddenly behind the bar.

Andy lets out an awkward laugh and Robert hates it, hates him, because it's so much harder to hate him now that he's matured and he doesn't go round banging on about Katie and Robert secretly getting it on.

"Alright mate, only asking." Andy says, has a pint out in front of him and then pulls a face. "You alright?" And maybe Robert's paler yeah, maybe he's a little all over the place. Robert nods slowly. "Not having second thoughts or -"

And it's enough to make Robert explode.

"Piss of Andy!" Robert shouts, and everyone is looking at him. He needs to go, feels himself back away towards the exit and then Andy's trying to say something. "Just because your marriage is down the drain doesn't mean that you can try and fucking curse mine before I'm even down the isle." He knows he's being dramatic, he can hear himself for fucks sake but he can't help it all coming out.

So he just keeps marching until he's outside and he's breathing in the cold air. It travels through his lungs, and he's desperate to keep it that way so he tries harder and harder to breathe it all in.

And then he's walking towards the bus shelter and sitting there like he doesn't have a home. He needs to meet Aaron any minute now and he should be getting a move on but he can't. He's almost frozen there.

Robert hugs at his frame and then he's hearing the sound of heels approaching him, for a second he thinks it's Chrissie and he keeps his head down. But then they're calling his name and he sees the vicar standing there. Harriet?

He forces himself to smile at her and she smiles back.

"Just realised we've not actually had the chance to speak." She says, all so kindly and Robert gulps hard. He's not in the mood for small talk of any kind and it seems like she wants to know him or something.

"About the wedding?" He asks and then she's coming closer towards him, shrugging her shoulders, starts asking about him and how she knows Jack and it's too much.

It's why Robert's thankful his phone starts ringing.

"Sorry, I've got to take this." He says, excuses himself and then looks down at the number. It's Aaron.

He's supposed to be on a date isn't he? Or did he lie, make it up to get Adam off his back?

He presses a button and then brings the phone up to his ear, "Hello?"

He hears the sound of a car passing by and then feet rushing past. It makes Robert wince.

"Alright? Listen, I'm a bit held up. But I'm on my way there so -"

And he's actually on a date isn't he?

"Oh." Robert says, clears his throat. "Whatever, fine." He says quickly and then he's marching towards the bridge.

 

 

::

 

 

It's late.

The moon is up by the time Robert's hearing footsteps coming towards him.

He's been waiting for over half an hour and he's sitting down, knees pressed towards his chest, head down, eyes towards the wooden planks beneath him. The bridge isn't the sturdiest but he doesn't seem to care about that.

He sees a shadow of someone and then Aaron's there, he's sitting down next to him and he smells good. He's got a new shirt on Robert thinks and he's styled his hair differently.

Robert looks across towards him and he has to fight a smile because Aaron's looking so much better than he did yesterday or those days before when Robert was in hospital and everything was bleak for those few hours.

He's got a soft look about him, he looks like he's had a good time and Robert should be happy for him but he can't suddenly.

"Fucking freezing." Aaron shivers, in such an Aaron way that it manages to make Robert crack a smile.

There's this beat of something between them and then Aaron's looking towards Robert. "How was the stag?" He's asking and Robert shakes his head.

"Well I've been sat here for long enough so ..." Robert gestures to the bridge, hears the water running by and it serves as a soft reminder of their past. He remembers leaning over, Aaron's hands around his waist, throwing stones and watching them hit the water.

Aaron looks apologetic.

"Anyway, enough about me. How was your date?" And he tries not to have any malice laced in his voice, he really tries.

Aaron looks surprised, an eyebrow raised, mouth open. "I didn't know that you knew. How did -"

"Adam couldn't keep his mouth shut." Robert says, gulps hard and then looks away from Aaron. "So, good company?"

He must have been, he was late because of him wasn't he?

Aaron stays quiet for a second or two and then he's smiling, "Yeah. I mean, I had a good time."

Robert tenses his jaw, "Sorry you had to cut it so short." He says, not fucking sorry at all. They guy was probably attractive, Aaron was probably thinking with his dick and this new confident way Robert isn't familiar with, doesn't know at all really.

Aaron scratches at his eyebrow, "Yeah well, I'm seeing him again." He shrugs out and Robert looks down. "I mean, I doubt if I told him the real reason why I had to shoot off early I'd be saying the same thing. He probably would have run a mile." There's a lightness in his tone which Robert envies.

"It's all a bit messy this." Robert says, nearly a whole minute has passed and Aaron nods slowly in agreement. "I never meant for it to get this far."

Aaron looks away, looks sad suddenly.

"You know, me sat here, the night before my wedding needing you to sign the papers finally." Robert feels ashamed suddenly, imagines Clive working at lightning speed, pulling strings and all sorts and being able to give the right documents to whoever they need to by this time tomorrow when the ceremony is all over.

Aaron gulps, "For the record, I never wanted this either." He says, something sounds almost lost in his voice, almost like he's dying away or something and Robert clings to it, wants to cling to Aaron. "I just wanted to - to know you were alright. And then you were and all I got was a divorce paper in the post one day."

And it kills, because Robert remembers sending it and everything.

"You broke my heart Rob." He says, shuddering, like he can't get past it and Robert just stares at him, almost frozen until Aaron's sniffing and looking away.

"I broke mine too." Robert whispers, "Over you. Leaving ya." He says, "I remember it, waking up and - just running out of the hotel room without you."

It hurt more than anything else in the world.

Aaron sniffs, "Never wanted you to go." He manages to get out after a few seconds.

And Robert just sees a lad again, one in a baggy suit and a big heart and blue eyes.

It makes him shuffle closer towards Aaron and look at him. "I'm sorry." He means it, he means it so much that it aches him all over.

Aaron chews on his lip, "I tried to forget ya, hate ya, pretend you never even existed." He scoffs, like he almost knows how stupid it sounds now. "And then I was saving up to do this grand youth centre project and it was more about making you proud than I wanted to admit."

Robert's stunned into this silence and it's awful.

Aaron wipes at his face, it's red, puffy, filled with a soft sort of sadness. "I wanted to impress ya, how pathetic is that?" And Robert's eyes are filling with tears at the thought. "I reckoned sending ya all those letters back would force ya to come here and I'd convince you to stay, you'd look at what I'd done and - and you'd want me."

_[ "You know nothing alright? You're just a blip, someone from the past who won't move on and let me be happy and let me go because you have nothing else do ya? You've done nothing with your life and - and -" ]_

"Aaron," Robert says, has a hand so close to Aaron's and then the younger man is pulling himself away. "I'm so -"

" _Sorry_ yeah." Aaron says, shrugs at Robert. "I just wasn't enough was I?" His chin wobbles and then he's raising to his feet. "But I'm not spending the rest of my life wondering 'what if?'" Robert quickly raises to his feet too and goes to speak. "So just give me the papers." And Robert hates how he has them on him always, in the back of his pocket.

They're battered, almost crumbled and he pulls them out carefully as he watches Aaron produce a pen which he probably stole from the bank or something.

Robert gulps as he looks at Aaron's pen hovering over the dotted line. "I - I just want to say that - I hope you find someone who deserves ya Aaron." He watches Aaron look away. "I mean it, I was - I was never going to deserve you."

And he knows that now, he's always known that really.

Aaron comes closer, a hand coming up to hold at Robert's face. "That's not true." He tells him. "Because I know, deep down, all you needed to do was love me, if you let yourself." And Robert hitches a breath. "And everything else would have been okay."

It's a fairytale. It's Aaron's mind, the soft beautiful mind which makes everything seem just fine as long as you love and you're loved.

It wouldn't have ever been that simple because Aaron was still a closet case and Robert was already hated by his father and -

It wouldn't have worked.

Robert goes to speak and then Aaron's signing his signature quickly, blowing out a long breath and then falling back a little. "There we go." He says, sadness in his voice as he tries to smile through it.

And then he's walking away, practically running as he fights back tears and Robert can't let him go without saying -

"Aaron?" He watches him turn. "I was _always_ proud of you."

And maybe it's too soft for words, for the moment, for them but he admits it anyway and Aaron runs even faster.

 

 

::

 

 

Robert's walking back to the village, he's had a good fucking cry and yet he feels worse for it.

It's his head, the one which was nearly cracked open. He can't even frown without feeling like someone's hacking at it.

And then there's Aaron, who just couldn't stop blurting out all these *feelings which Robert couldn't hear about the night before his wedding day.

"Oh, twice in one night." Robert hears Harriet coming up to him as he makes his way towards Vic's, he's using the back door entrance because he could do without her nagging over Andy and she smiles at him.

He smiles back at her and then sighs when she asks him if he's looking forward to tomorrow. "I suppose." He says, doesn't mean to get it out.

"It's going to be a massive day. It's good to feel nervous."

"I'm not." That's the thing, he's as cool as a cucumber. He knows what he has to say, what he has to do. It's almost like a business contract. "Not in the slightest."

He remembers when he did it all with Aaron though.

He remembers nearly being sick in a bush and turning red as he saw Aaron coming down the grotty stairs in a suit too big, too bulky yet beautiful on him.

He remembers nearly bursting with this emotion, feeling like he could _die_.

He's denied it for so long now.

Harriet raises an eyebrow. "Oh. Well good, I'm glad." She's so polite it's almost awful. "I suppose when you love someone and it feels right, you don't need to be."

Robert nods slowly, tries to anyway. "I love her." He whispers, "I really do." He says, and he's almost convincing himself.

Harriet smiles at him, "Well then you've got nothing to worry about do you?" She says, "Because tomorrow, you're marrying your best friend basically. The one person you can't really be without." And Robert can't help the way something kicks him in the gut. "Someone who will always have your heart." And alright Harriet, you can chill out with the cheesy lines.

She seems to get the hint, disappears out of sight and leaves Robert there. He manages to get up to bed, manages to lay there and not think about anything until Aaron is flooding in and so is the wedding and -

It all won't just shut up.

 

 

::

 

 

Jack knew.

He'd seen them. He'd watched and he'd waited and he'd heard and Robert couldn't even try to deny it.

Before he knew it, Jack was raising his hand threateningly and he was feeling his belt slap against his thighs, his back.

And then he left.

Robert sat there, knees pushed towards his chest. Something almost broke in him and he thought about what he'd just ruined by being so careless.

Aaron kissed and he'd run and then he'd come back and kissed him back and from that moment they were in this bubble of softness.

They'd been skating around their feelings, kissing in corners and barns and being secretive about what they felt for each other.

And Jack had caught them hadn't he?

Robert jumped out the window, escaped it all and ran to Aaron.

And Aaron wanted to get away too so they did.

Robert drove them as far as he could, until he could see nothing but rolling rolling hills and smell flowers.

Then they stopped. And Aaron asked what they were doing and Robert scared him.

"I might have to leave." He admitted, barely managing to get the words out.

Aaron's eyes widened, he looked like he wanted to cry and Robert felt all his pain. It's why he placed a hand over Aaron's and tried to stop it all.

"I'm sorry."

And then Aaron was talking about never wanting what they had to end, wanting Robert with him forever and then he had an idea.

And Robert was agreeing, madly agreeing and he was buying them suits and they were fucking allowed to do it because Aaron was eighteen now and Robert was nineteen already and -

"Are you sure about this?" Aaron said, he didn't look nervous at all, looked like he knew exactly what he wanted for the rest of his life and he was just so young.

And Robert had never been so scared, because he knew what they were doing was madness.

But they were _allowed_ to.

They were driving further out, so far that the woman thought they were eloping or something.

And they made these promises. And they kissed each other despite not even knowing what they were, what this would mean for them.

They didn't even care.

"I'll always be with you, I'll never leave you. I promise you Aaron."

And Aaron believed him. Aaron believed it all.

The sky was velvet by the time they were out of the registry office and Robert couldn't stop looking at Aaron.

"Did we just do that?" He asked him and Aaron laughed this laugh and Robert wanted to never let him go.

So he held his hand and they ran down hills and got pissed and happy and it was perfect for a second or two.

"Does that mean - you feel how I feel?" The question was heavy and Robert gulped.

"How do you feel?" He asked as they fell down on the grass.

Aaron paused for a second. "Like no one else will ever get close. Like you're going to be the one for me, always."

And Robert had to catch his breathe. "Yeah. Yeah I feel the same."

And that's all that mattered really, especially when they were booking into a hotel and falling into bed and having _sex_.

And then they weren't stupid virgins anymore.

"Only you." Aaron mumbled into Robert's chest, sticky and hot and filled with an incomprehensible feeling.

"Only you." Robert whispered back, because no one else could do this to him. No one.

But that didn't matter when he was waking up and reading messages from his father. He was demanding him back, demanding him *gone and Robert knew it wouldn't last.

It couldn't.

So he ran.

He just left Aaron there, looked up at the window and sobbed as his heart whispered for Aaron to come with him.

But he couldn't and that was the end of it all.

Just. Like. That.

 

 

::

 

 

Robert doesn't know a lot about weddings really but he can safely say waking up with tears down your face isn't what you should desire to happen.

He dreamed long and fluid and crammed full of feelings and the past and it's made everything feel messy in his mind.

After all this time, trying to forget it all, he hadn't. He remembered everything.

There's a knock on the door and Robert rubs at his eyes, pulls himself up on the bed and then he's clearing his throat. "Come in." He's allowing and then Vic is there suddenly and she's smiling like she's just swallowed the sun.

"Happy wedding day." She's so happy, comes forward and sits on the bed. Robert smiles, looks towards the bed and then up at her again. "You alright?"

And he's not, he feels like everything is falling away from him.

"Of course I am." Robert says, rubs a hand over his face. "Uh - where's Chrissie?" He feels like doesn't know what's going on, a part of him is almost confused.

Vic frowns, "At the B&B." She laughs, "You need to get up though, can't believe you're not even in the shower yet."

Robert clears his throat, "I've got hours yet." He says vaguely, has a hand through his hair as he speaks and then Vic is tugging the covers.

"No you haven't. Listen," she goes over to the curtains and pulls them open. "You've got to make sure that suit fits you fine, look at your vows again, decide who your best man is going to be -"

Robert holds his head. "I can't even think about all of this now." He cringes, because he was building up to ask Andy to be his best man and then yesterday night happened and he lost it for no real reason.

"Well you have to." Vic blurts out like it's obvious and Robert pulls a face, then she's sitting down on the bed. "Andy told me you had a go at him last night over next to nothing." Robert looks away and she sighs. "I thought you two were over this now. I thought you were -"

Robert brings his knees up and hugs himself tightly. "Yeah well," he looks away and Vic comes closer.

"He said something about making a joke? Something about second thoughts?" Vic says, and it's clear that those eggshells she's battling across are aching her feet and nearly cracking. "Rob, you'd tell me if -"

Robert practically jumps off the bed and shakes, "If what?" Vic looks away quickly. "Oh not you n'all."

Vic bites at her lip, "It's just - I mean, it's all happened quicker than you thought it would and that's her doing not yours -"

"And I've agreed haven't I?" Robert says, looks out towards the village and feels his eyes bore into the pub, up into the window, towards Aaron's room. "Why are you banging on about this?"

Vic takes a step towards Robert, "Because - I just, I want you happy." He can feel that radiate off her. "And you have been, recently."

There's a dig there, she's trying to say that he has been happy because he's at home and he wants to roll his eyes at the suggestion because being here has only given him grief really.

Or at least that's what he's telling himself.

Robert shakes his head, "If this is your ploy to make me come back home for good then -"

He gets it now, she's not genuinely worried about if he loves Chrissie enough to marry her. It's all about her missing him too much, loving the fact that he was closer, wanting that permanently and yeah Robert feels bad.

"It's not." And she's lying. "But if you think about it, she's happy with you being here isn't she? I mean, she's getting married in the village, she's okay with us so why -"

"Because we have a life in London." Robert snaps, and it's too early in the morning for this discussion to be taking place. "And because - because she's only doing this because she thought I could have died." And that shouldn't come out but it does.

Vic pulls a face like she's worried or something and Robert wants the ground to swallow him up. "Rob - she's doing it because she loves you, nothing else."

But it's not that simple is it? It can't be considering a few days ago she was calling him every name under the sun and now they're getting married in the village he grew up in, the one he thought he could never come back to.

"Rob?"

Robert pulls his head up, blushes as he realises that he's too far in his own thoughts and Vic is still looking concerned.

"Look I - I need a shower." He gets out, darts towards the bathroom and slams the door shut behind him before Vic can catch him up. He suddenly needs space, he needs to be able to breathe and gather his thoughts but he can't. Not with Vic breathing down his neck or Adam half way up the hall looking all suspicious.

But he ploughs on through. He manages to get dressed, look bloody dapper in the suit he'd picked out for himself, the one Chrissie had shipped over at a short notice.

It's a grey one, had to be, because navy was Aaron's.

Theirs.

He blinks at himself in the mirror of the bedroom, can't quite believe it's happening.

A part of him is waiting for something to go wrong.

There's another knock on the door and Adam's there looking decent in a suit. He arches an eyebrow and then shifts to the side. "There's a mate of yours here, Clive?" He says vaguely and Robert feels his shoulders relax. He's been wondering when he'd be in contact.

Robert nods his head. "Yeah, yeah where is he?" He's asking and Adam says something about him being downstairs with Vic.

Then he steps forward. "Listen." Adam says, clicks the door shut. "Aaron's not coming." And that's obvious enough in Robert's mind. "You know that right?"

Robert gulps hard. "Yeah." He says, "And what Adam?"

"I'm not trying to be Columbo here but, I know something's going on." He says, and Robert arches an eyebrow.

"Last night you were going on about understanding, about knowing that -"

"And then you disappeared. And I saw ya, and I caught him later. He looked like he'd been crying. It was because of you wasn't it?" Robert feels his heart thump in his chest, and he can't fight against it as Adam stares him down. "Have you been leading him on?"

He's angry, he's coming closer to Robert and the older man can't help but look away.

"Listen, I don't know what you're on about okay?" Yeah lie, just front it out. "But I don't need this on my _wedding day_ so just do one." Robert says, so confident that it's almost staggering. It nearly throws Adam but suddenly he's smarter than what he looks.

"Is he still in love with you?" Adam blurts out and Robert scoffs, no, Aaron doesn't. He can't. "Because I've seen the way he looks at you, and like I said, I don't know the ins and outs but if you feel the -"

And heat rises through Robert's chest.

"You don't know shit Adam." Robert shouts, it's true. Adam's meant to be Aaron's best mate and yet he doesn't know a thing about someone who used to have such a massive part in his friend's life. It's ridiculous.

"I know that Vic told me how shaken Aaron looked when you ended up in hospital. I know that when I told you he was on a date that you looked like you'd seen a -"

" _Enough_." Robert pushes out, has a hand on his head. "I'm straight." He says. "And I'm about to marry my _fiancé_ and you're talking about shit that I don't care about anymore."

Adam looks down and then up again slowly, "Anymore?" He says and Robert looks away again, like he can't even think about coming up with an answer.

There's this awkwardness which travels through him and then Vic is calling Adam's name and he's looking towards the door, opening it.

"Adam." Robert says, watches Adam look at him. "If you ruin my wedding with your pathetic half arsed accusations, you'll be sorry." It's a threat, a clear one which he knows Adam will pay attention to.

And then he's going, he's out the door and Robert has about half a minute to compose himself before Clive is coming through and giving him a hug.

He's got a black suit on, pale blue tie and says something about Chrissie making it the colour scheme. Robert didn't even know.

"It's so good to see ya." Robert admits, he hasn't seen a friend for ages now and it sends something familiar through him, something which reminds him of how it first felt when he saw Aaron again.

Clive sighs, shakes his head. "You look like you want to be sick." And he does, in this nervousness sort of way. He can't bring himself to actually do it, but it'd building up inside him and making his stomach churn. It's not like before, he's not giddy about any of it.

"Cheers." Robert says before gulping hard. "I'm fine, honest. I'm marrying Chrissie mate, what's there not to be happy about?" And there it is, the money bags are forming around his eyes again. Only now he feels guilty about it. And Aaron's done that.

Clive lets out a small smile. "So I take it your Aaron's signed on the dotted line."

Robert bites his lip, he isn't *his Aaron but yeah, he has signed so he pulls out the papers from the drawers and hands them over. "And you can get this all confirmed and everything before the end of the day, you know, before I sign the actual papers?"

Clive nods cooly, "Yeah. I know a few people who can get it to the front of the divorce queue."

And Robert's grateful. He smiles at him and looks relived.

"Thanks for this mate." He says and then Clive is nodding.

"It's alright," he looks around the room, towards the window. "I reckon there must be at least two single birds who want a bit of action from someone down south." He rubs his hands together and he's an idiot, a right idiot.

Robert rolls his eyes, "Or somewhere down south." He can't help but get out.

It slices something through the air and then Clive's frowning, "Are you alright?" And Robert looks away, because Clive really does know him well. He lets out a shrug and Clive steps forward. "End of an era type blues?" He says, looks towards the divorce papers.

Robert comes towards the window and looks towards the pub again. "For ages, being married - it was some mad sort of comfort." The sun shines into the room and then disappears just as quickly. "Like, whatever was happening was alright, because I had him. I had someone."

He's suddenly thinking about the first anniversary after he left, their wedding day. He's thinking about how he sobbed his heart out like a fool and tried to send Aaron a text before deleting his number altogether.

"And now -"

"You've got Chrissie. You've got something fucking real mate." Clive scoffs and then Robert is wiping at his eyes and turning round.

"Yeah, yeah you're right." He says softly before sighing. "Listen uh - I'll see you there yeah? At the church?" And Clive nods in agreement before smiling.

"Oh and next time you decide to drunkingly marry your best mate, don't come running to me alright?"

And Robert fights through a smile, waits until Clive is gone and then it all slips away.

 

 

::

 

 

He's not hiding. He's just getting ready in his room and making sure that he looks his best.

And then Vic is calling him down and he has to go, can't have her thinking that he's hiding on purpose.

"You look great." Vic says, she's already got tears in her eyes and Robert mentally prepared himself for all the crying to come from her.

Robert looks down, for the first time he doesn't soak up the compliments. He just smiles. And then he's admiring her lilac dress, the pretty flowers in her hair. "So do you, Vic you look beautiful."

It makes her smile at him even wider and then she's elbowing Adam.

"Yeah. You look great Rob." He says, like it hurts to say.

Robert just nods at him and then he hears someone coming down the stairs. It's Andy and he arches an eyebrow as he sees his brother, says something about him looking decent.

Robert doesn't know what to say so he says nothing at all.

Vic fills the silence in perfectly with all her talk about Chrissie looking gorgeous, wanting photos, needing to still get things in order.

And that Andy is speaking.

"Vic, you mind if I have a word with Rob? In private."

And yeah Robert minds.

But Vic doesn't, she just slithers out quietly with Adam and Robert is left looking at his brother and shrugging his shoulders.

"So what do you want?" Robert hates how blunt he is. Can't help it. It's just something about Andy.

Andy shakes his head, there's a smile on his face nearly and Robert resents it a little. He's almost like a different person now. He remembers the whiny little sod who was overwhelmed with jealously when it came to Robert and his Katie.

"To clear the air?" Andy says, steps forward and shrugs his shoulders. "I'm not out to ruin your day if that's what you think."

And for a second, that's exactly what Robert thought because why would Andy want to see him happy?

"I don't hate you Robert." Andy explains and Robert looks up at him. "I've moved on. We both have." He says, "And Katie ..." he clears his throat. "It's not your problem."

Robert feels something travel in between them and he clears his throat. "I'm sorry about last night." He says, it comes out of bloody nowhere.

Andy nods, "Me too. I didn't actually think you were having second thoughts."

"Good, because I'm not." Robert gets out hastily and then he turns red. "I love her." He says and Andy looks at him strangely, like he wants to say something but he's afraid it won't come out right.

"Out with it." Robert tells him, walks towards the window of the living room and then turns back to his brother.

Andy sighs. "Nothing I -" he bows his head and then raises it and says something too heavy for Robert to comprehend. "Dad would be proud of you."

It makes Robert breathe in sharply, makes something churn and burn inside him and he can't get passed it at all. It stays and then he's saying his father's face and he's shouting at him.

He's telling him that he can't go around behaving like an animal with a Dingle.

"Don't." Robert blurts out, he's paler now, looks like he's going to throw up or something. "Stop trying to be nice okay? It's weird."

And Andy laughs like it's funny, then stays quiet for a second or so. "We were never really good at being nice were we?"

Robert can't disagree.

"Look." Andy comes closer. "I'm not going to do the whole 'I want you happy' speech, because that's Vic's job. But -" Robert has to look at him. "I do. I mean, she's a right knock out and - well you seem pleased enough with yourself."

Robert is. He really fucking is.

"I am." He says, confirms and then he's pressing a hand down over his suit and clearing his throat. "Suppose you should be my best man then?"

Andy looks stunned but nods all the same. "Thought you'd ask Aaron."

And _yeah_ , that would have been awkward.

"He's not even coming." Robert says cooly, leans against the wall and shrugs when Andy asks why not.

"Have you had an argument or -"

No, we've just got divorced. No big deal really.

"We're just -" Robert kicks at the rug on the floor and sighs as he looks up at Andy. "I'm not who he wants me to be." He says vaguely and Andy frowns at him. "It's not that big of a deal." He lies and Andy doesn't push, maybe because he can't. "So - have I got a best man or are you going to leave me hanging -"

Andy gulps hard, nods. "I hope this means that the past is behind us."

The one you don't know all about, Robert thinks. The one where you blame me for your problems with Katie because she was protecting me and Aaron.

"It was always in the past for me." Robert says, has a hand in his pocket and then shakes his head. "Honest."

Andy bites his lip and then Robert's walking towards the stairs again. "Let me grab the rings." He says, "You better not lose them."

He's climbing the stairs, feels something warm spread across his chest because this wedding has made Andy and him bond hasn't it? Chrissie's done that.

He stands in front of the window in his room, the rings in their boxes, in his palm. He smiles down at them and thinks of Chrissie, of this woman who seemed to buy all the fake charm and confidence before it ever became real. God he owes her too much, he owes her more than he can even think about quantifying.

But he'll make it up to her for the rest of his life. He won't even look at Rebecca again.

It'll be all about her.

He'll make sure of it.

 

 

::

 

 

He needs air.

Suddenly, out of nowhere he's out the back of the house and he's leaning against the wall in his wedding suit.

He gulps hard and thinks about his mum. He imagines her being here right now, fixing his tie, shaking his hair a little. What would she say about Chrissie? He thinks.

Gorgeous. Smart.

Not Aaron.

That hits him suddenly and he shudders against it because he's being a right prick. He's finally got what he wanted, Aaron's signed the papers and yet his mind is still being ridiculous.

The sound of feet pushing against the gravel makes Robert raise his head, and then he's smelling smoke and he's seeing Aaron standing there.

He's got his work clothes on, overalls and a puffy jacket because it's a little cold. He's puffing at a cigarette and then white smoke fills the air around them both.

Aaron's just staring at him, eyeing Robert up and the older man feels like he's being judged, wants to know if he's passed the test or something.

"I'd say you look good but, I've literally only ever seen you in suits since you've been back." Aaron says, in such an _Aaron_ sort of way.

Robert's shoulders melt down into nothing and he draws a breath. "Didn't know you smoked?" He says. "Still?"

It was cool when they were kids. Well Aaron thought it was cool. Robert always hated the stupid lighter he'd carry around, he suddenly remembers having a meltdown in their barn after Aaron was flicking it too close to the hay.

Then he told him about his mum.

Then Aaron held Robert against his chest and let him sob.

And then they listened to 'Mardy Bum' and used swear words to express how much they liked the Artic Monkeys and the tears were forgotten about.

So was the pain.

"Only sometimes."

And Robert feels like there's conditions. Feels like it only happens when he's stressed or something like that.

And this counts apparently.

Aaron drops the cigarette and twists over it hard. "Shouldn't you be getting married?" He asks, something distant in his voice.

"Yeah." Robert blurts out and then frowns. "Well not now but - in a bit yeah." He says and bites at his lip. "I take it you won't be there."

Aaron rolls his eyes. "Don't think I'd have a great time for some reason." He says, and Robert watches the way he tries to smile through it all but fails.

Robert kicks the ground. "This must be hard for you. I'm sorry." He blurts out like a patronising dick.

But Aaron doesn't see it like that, he shrugs and then sighs. "Why you out here anyway? Hiding from Vic's appetisers?"

"Hiding from everything." He whispers, kicks himself for speaking out loud.

"Everything?" Aaron frowns, steps forward and then Robert is stepping back.

"I should be going." Robert darts his head down and almost charges back into the house but then Aaron's grabbing his arm and spinning him round and for a second Robert closes his eyes like he just wants to allow whatever happens next to _just happen_. But Aaron lets go and gulps.

"I hope it works out for you." Aaron says, head down, panting a little.

And Robert's not an idiot.

"You don't mean that." He hisses, almost angry at how Aaron can be so fucking kind.

"I do." Aaron says, gulps hard and then his eyes turn glassy. "Bye Robert." He says, and it's so final that the older man has to catch his breath.

He can only breathe properly again once Aaron is fully out of sight.

 

 

::

 

 

There's a bit of a panic out of nowhere. Apparently Chrissie's having difficulties with her dress or her shoes or whatever and so the whole thing is on hold.

Robert hates it, it's giving him the opportunity to think. Over think. And that's the last thing he actually wants to do right now because his mind is against him and it travels to places he doesn't like.

He's thinking about a few months ago, how he used to mock the idea of marrying for love and yet now he's going around telling anyone who can listen that he's in love with Chrissie and so will marry her.

He's not mentioning her bank balance or inheritance or the fucking lifestyle that he's grown accustom to whilst being with her. That shouldn't matter apparently, yet it does.

Robert bounces his knee a few times, waits for Diane to say something about Jack being proud and then he's suddenly overwhelmed with this need to just leave.

"Alright, can't we just head over to the church and wait there?" Robert asks, starts patting down his suit and then Vic is nodding her head.

The church is literally two seconds away but the breeze does him good despite how cold it is. The thing he didn't take into account was what you have to walk past. The garage is there, and so is Aaron and there's music playing on the radio.

The Artic Monkeys of all fucking bands and Aaron turns the volume down as Robert passes by.

It's almost symbolic or something and Robert doesn't know how to take it all.

Robert is met with faces he doesn't recognise from around the village. Leyla is there, apparently she organised the whole thing and he's grateful. Then there's Megan and Vanessa who seem to be the little helpers and he smiles at them as they say he looks dapper.

David from the shop is there with his wife and Robert can make out Pete and Debbie and the kids there too.

Somehow it makes something jolt in his chest out of bloody nowhere. There's so many people.

Oh and Bob comes in too, with Brenda.

Bernice with Gabby.

And Charity can't help herself can she? So she's there, Marlon too for some wild reason.

Robert's just grateful Chas isn't.

He excuses himself for a second, needs air again and leans against the Church walls. Harriet is politely telling Chrissie she needs to get a move on and suddenly Robert realises that this was the thing that had to go wrong.

"I thought you get married inside the church?"

The voice is familiar, makes him raise his head and then she's standing there in a green dress.

Katie.

"What are you doing here?" Robert blurts out, straightens his back and stares at her.

"You said I was invited didn't you?" Katie says casually and then smiles. "Andy and I have decided to put things behind us. Fresh start."

And that explains a lot.

"Oh. Good." Robert says, gulps hard and then Katie is going on about not expecting to see him get married in Emmerdale of all places. "Yeah well, I had a nasty accident a few days ago. Sort of put things into perspective for her."

Katie frowns. "For her? Not for you both then?"

And Robert doesn't like getting caught out.

"Save it Katie." Robert hisses, bites back as he watches some other random wander in. "I'm not having anyone try to pick flaws in -"

Katie shakes her head. "I take it Aaron signed the papers then? Unless you're adding bigamy to your many traits."

Robert kicks the gravel, nearly scuffs his shoes. "Yeah. He did, last night."

Katie pulls a face, "And how do you feel? I mean, you don't look relieved."

Because he isn't.

Because he's finally fucking faced up to the fact that he broke Aaron's heart when he left and now he's done it all over again without a care in the world.

"I hurt him a lot Katie." Robert says, blinks quickly and something churns in his stomach as she smiles softly at him. "What?"

Katie leans a little closer to him. "Who knew Robert Sugden had a heart ay?"

Aaron Dingle.

"I'm glad you find this so amusing." He says dryly and Katie shakes her head.

"I don't." She tells him. "I saw the aftermath of what you did to him, when you left."

"When I was forced to go more like." Robert says and Katie sighs.

"He went looking for you," it makes Robert's head raise. "Nearly caught pneumonia, had to be dragged home by his mum." Katie suddenly looks sad. "He was lost without ya."

Robert blinks quickly. "Well I didn't want to -"

"Have you told him that?" She's asking. "About your dad finding out, or does he believe the same old 'off down to London' lie your dad spun?"

The way Robert drops his head says it all.

"You _twat_." She sighs out, arms crossed over. "He went to his funeral you know, placed a rose down for you. I remember him waiting to see if you'd show up."

And that kills something in his chest without warning.

"And you haven't told him that Jack was the reason you had to leave?"

"He doesn't need to know that." Robert is fucking adamant and that's all that needs to be said about it really. "Because the last thing I need is his pity."

Katie rolls her eyes. "You know it wouldn't be like that." She gets out as the wind picks up.

Robert sighs, "It doesn't even matter now though does it? I'm getting married _now_."

Katie makes a frustrated sound. "God Robert when are you going to wake up?" She says and Robert is stunned for a second. He stares at her blankly. "I didn't want to be the one who tells you but -"

"But _what_?"

"When are you going to just admit that - that -"

Robert feels something rise in his chest. "Spit it out or -"

Don't. Don't spit it out.

"You're still too in love with Aaron to divorce him let alone get married to anyone else."

And that just hangs in the air for a second. Robert hasn't said that, he hasn't mentioned being in love with Aaron. He's never ever said those words to him.

"Still?" Robert whispers, feels the wind hit his cheeks.

Katie shakes her head. "Rob, it's clear to see you never stopped."

It's clear, clear as day apparently.

But he can't reply because Chrissie's pulling up in a fancy car and she's looking beautiful in white and -

It's time to get married.

 

  
::

 

 

Something shivers through him as he stands there, the music is playing and Chrissie is walking towards him.

Andy's all smiley, keeps looking at Katie but she's got her eyes on Robert, watching, almost waiting for him to say something.

But Robert's just focused on Chrissie and how beautiful she looks. She's wearing a shawl, has a tiara on and a softness about her which makes her look so much younger. The dress screams expensive, jewels cascade down her front and shimmer round the walls as the sunlight hits the stained glass windows.

It's a pretty sight. A beautiful one.

But then she's standing next to him, and Robert can't breathe right and tells himself that he just needs to just get through this part and it'll be easier.

Harriet says a few welcoming words and Robert can't help but find it all so flat as Chrissie nods her head along.

And then Robert is thinking about his mum again, and it's just patheitc really because he can't help but wind himself up apparently. She didn't know Aaron. She never met him but he'd talk about him to her all the time. He didn't do that with Chrissie though.

Sarah hardly knew her, and that suddenly matters and washes over him.

He wants her to give him a sign, just something.

But at least his father would be proud of him. Being straight.

Straight. Not anything else.

Because Aaron was a blip. That one time. And so were all the other men who looked like Aaron, even the ones who didn't.

It makes something break through him and then he's looking at Chrissie and smiling at her. Harriet keeps going on about the union of two souls or whatever and he needs something to happen.

And then it actually does.

Clive's suddenly coming through the doors and he's bright red. "Sorry I -" he gulps hard, looks at Robert. "Need a word. Now."

Everyone looks towards him in shock, almost embarrassed for him and Robert clears his throat.

"Uh, not now mate." He hisses out slowly, feels Chrissie's frustration pour over him and it's not the greatest feeling.

Clive shuffles on his feet. "It's _urgent_." He forces out, raises an eyebrow almost knowingly and then he's widening his eyes.

Robert looks towards Chrissie almost for permission and then he's seeing her nod, it makes him drag Clive outside and ask what the hell he is playing at.

"I'm half way towards my mate Michael, and then I realise that you haven't signed the papers yourself you twat." Clive says, he's laughing and then he's passing Robert a pen from his blazer pocket.

And Robert holds it in his hand.

It's a sign, he shouts loudly in his mind. It's mum, it's a sign. He keeps saying.

Robert wants to ignore it as best he can, pretend that it doesn't actually matter because all he has wanted for the past few months is Chrissie and wanting to be her husband and now -

He's so close and yet still so far.

Because of him, because of Aaron.

"I can't do this." Robert admits, it's travelling through the air and then Clive is scoffing like he doesn't believe him.

"Yeah, yeah. Just sign quickly, I'm freezing out here."

Robert raises his head slowly, bites his lip. "I can't." His chin nearly wobbles as he realises the gravity of his words.

It's terrifying.

Clive's smile fades and he's frowning, "What are you on about? Chrissie's waiting for you in there and -"

"I don't love her like I should." Robert admits slowly, shrugs his shoulders and tries to reason with himself over it. It makes sense. It makes too much sense.

Clive shakes his head, "This is crazy, you know that?"

Robert gulps, "I - just can't -"

"Can't do what?"

And it's Chrissie's voice filling the air around him. She's standing there with Vic behind her, and Adam's in the background too with Andy.

Robert contemplates lying, pretending that everything he has just admitted to isn't actually true but then he's looking at Chrissie and God she deserves to know the truth.

"Marry you." He admits, watches Vic's eyes widen and the way Adam doesn't even look surprised. Chrissie just stares at him in shock, disbelief and then she's stepping forward.

"I'm sorry?" She's saying and Robert gulps hard, watches Katie appear and she's smiling at him reassuringly. Andy catches it, frowns. "Robert, what are you talking about?" She demands answers and he blows out a breath.

"I can't marry you. I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons." He's never been so honest with her and she has to look away, as if she knows, as if she's always known. "And - and because -"

"Because what?" Chrissie practically screams and Robert pales a little as he prepares himself for what is going to come next.

"All I did was lie to you Chris." He whispers, and Clive pulls back, shakes his head as Robert admits to everything. "I'm married. Still."

Chrissie's eyes nearly fall out of their sockets and then Vic is gasping, stepping forward and waving her arms about.

"You're married?" Vic questions, starts getting colourful with her language as Chrissie looks on, practically stunned.

"To who?" Andy pipes up, out of nowhere and Robert looks down, can't get the words out until Katie is telling him it's alright. Andy questions her and Robert can't have them get into a domestic so he dives over the edge and he just says -

"Aaron."

And it feels like everything just falls away from him, like he has absolutely nothing left of himself to value, to appreciate. He's drained.

Chrissie scoffs, nearly laughs and then she's shaking her head as everyone else stays silent. "Aaron? The man who saved you? No. What are you talking about?"

Robert gulps hard. "It's the truth." He says, almost speaks to them all as he stands there.

Adam frowns, looks like he wants to punch Robert. "All this time, you made me think it was all one sided? You were _married_."

"We were kids. Stupid kids and -" Robert's chin wobbles. "I'm sorry." He says, tries to come towards Chrissie and then she's shaking her head.

"So that's why you came here. You - you left and you came here to be with him." He shakes his head at her and then she looks like she's thinking harder, points at Clive. "Clive, he - he's here because you -" she pauses. "Legal matters." She says, looks at Clive and then gulps. "A divorce."

Robert nods his head. "I've been trying to get a divorce for years now and -"

" _Spare_ me the details." Chrissie's crying, and it's awful to see because it's so unlike her. "I can't believe this. You're - you're _gay_."

And he hates himself. Something fizzles through him and everyone is looking like they want to stay away from him.

"I'm not gay." He hisses, looks at Adam who is shaking his head, "I'm - I'm -"

"Confused." Chrissie snaps, "All this time, why couldn't you just let me go?"

"Because I love you." He tells her. "I do but -"

Vic looks sad suddenly, like she wants to hug her brother but then he's admitting that he was never good enough for Chrissie in the first, dropping in a line about Rebecca and yeah, the slap across his face stings a little.

"You're _vile_." Chrissie gets out, eyes red, face blotchy. "I -" she doesn't say anything, just shakes her head and then goes to turn away. "You've done me a massive favour."

"Chrissie, please don't -"

"Imagine if I actually married you?" Chrissie laughs, looks so miserable it almost aches. "You'd have just stuck around for my money eh Robert, because that's the only thing you're not _confused_ or undecided about."

And then she's running back into the B&B and Robert's feet won't make him run after her for some reason.

Instead he stays put and there's this heaviness in the air as everyone tries to digest what's just happened.

"You. And Aaron?" Andy says, and Robert rolls his eyes because honestly it's not that hard to figure out. Especially when they were younger. They looked at each other like they were the only person in the whole world sometimes.

Robert rubs a hand over his face, feels like he's going to be sick and then the guests start disappearing like a stampede and he hears them gossiping as they go.

It'll all be around the village within seconds. Diane will know too.

"Why didn't you just _say_?" Vic snaps, looks hurt, angered, like she's been wronged in some way.

Robert blinks back tears. "I couldn't." He whispers, "I'd spent years trying to forget and -"

"Forget you got married?" Adam says, like he can't grasp it and Robert wants to punch him.

"Forget _why_ I did." He says, admits to himself. "I - I told myself we were both drunk. I'd drilled it into my head for years and I - I started to actual believe it." He looks hollow as he speaks and then he's hugging at his blazer and shuddering as the wind picks up.

Andy looks towards Katie and frowns, "You knew?" He accuses her and Robert looks away.

"Yeah." Katie admits awkwardly, "Who do you think covered for them when they were in the barns?"

It was Katie, being kind when she didn't need to be. She was a lot of things, judgmental, stuck up sometimes, but back then, when she wanted Andy's family to like her, she had done the world of good for Robert and Aaron.

Andy blinks quickly, "I thought that -"

"It was her I was kissing in barns." Robert says, looks at Katie and then he's rubbing his head. "Would have been better if I was according to dad." And that slips out.

That makes Vic look heartbroken and then she's turning towards Adam and he's hugging her as Robert explains why he left, because of Jack, because of what he thought.

"So you married him, you married Aaron not for a bet or anything but because -"

"I was in love with him." Robert whispers, "And I came here, I came back here because I needed him to sign the papers." Robert looks towards his feet and then up again. "And I hadn't even signed them myself."

And that says too much for Robert to even comprehend.

He was never ready for this.

Vic sniffs, "Rob -" she comes forward and Robert suddenly steps away, he suddenly needs to _go_. "You can't just leave." She says hastily and even Andy agrees.

But he has to.

"I can't stay here now." He says slowly, "Aaron, he hates me, with good reason."

Andy steps forward, "He might not, deep down."

Robert rolls his eyes, "I doubt that."

And then Adam's raising an eyebrow and looking towards his right. "Why don't you ask him yourself." He says and then Robert's seeing Aaron stand a few metres away and he has no idea how much he has heard or witnessed or -

"Aaron -" Robert tries. He does. But Aaron's good at running, so he does just that. He gets into his car and he's out the village before Robert can do anything else.

He didn't even get the chance to read the look on Aaron's face.

 

 

::

 

 

Robert doesn't want a pity party or anything. But he cries, in Vic's room and he watches Chrissie leave.

She packs her stuff up and she's wearing these big black sunglasses and he knows he has broken her heart.

But she'll get over it. She will. Because at the end of the day, he was nothing special really.

There's a knock on the door and Andy stands there. It throws Robert a little and then he's gulping hard.

He feels like a prat, still wearing his wedding suit.

"I bet the whole village is laughing at me. The 'confused' Sugden." Robert gets out, voice tight.

"No one is." Andy says, comes closer and shuts the door behind him. "Are you alright?" It's a stupid question and Robert just looks at him blankly. "Sorry."

"Chrissie's just gone and Aaron hates me." Robert sniffs out, looks towards Andy and frowns. "You know I thought you'd go off on one."

And Andy just looks confused.

"You always thought me and Katie were having this mad affair didn't ya?" Robert says, and Andy almost looks embarrassed. "I thought you'd hate me if you ever found out about -"

"I'm not a homophobe." Andy insists, "Look I -" he shakes his head and frowns. "If it was going to be any bloke, it was going to be Aaron wasn't it?"

Robert nearly smiles at the inevitability of their relationship and then it dies away as he thinks about it more. "And now it's ruined."

Andy looks surprised. "Yeah?"

"Of course it is." Robert sighs hard. "I made him sign divorce papers last night, and he said all this _stuff_ and -" he can't believe he's talking to Andy about this. "I broke his heart Andy. There's no going back from there."

Andy stays silent for a second. "Maybe you're right." He shrugs and then looks like he doesn't know what to say. "But I know Aaron too you know and, *yeah he's had the odd fella here and then, even went to France with one but -" he looks at Robert seriously. "He came _back_. He always looked a little like a lost soul, waiting for someone."

And Robert gulps hard, feels his eyes grow glassy.

"And that someone was you."

Robert wants to throttle Andy and his stupid sudden way with words.

"He hates me Andy." He whispers, like he has to get it out.

Andy shrugs. "Probably a little, but he loves you too. Deep down. And you, well, you love him don't ya?"

Robert can't say it somehow, just manages to nod and it's enough to make Andy drag him towards the door.

"So go find him and tell him that you pillock." Andy says, pushing his brother down the stairs.

"Wait, wait, what if he tells him to do one?"

"Then at least you'll know how he feels." Andy says, as if it's that simple. And then a Vic is there and she's smiling softly at her brother.

"Go Rob, and - don't come back without him."

Robert bites his lip, opens the door and then turns around. "Thank you." He whispers and Vic and Andy frown at him. "For not hating me. For - for not turning your back on me."

Because I like kissing men too.

Because I like kissing Aaron most.

Vic hugs him then and he kisses her head and Andy looks all bloody emotional. Even Adam nods slowly from behind Vic and Katie winks at him.

"Go." Katie whispers, nods slowly.

And yeah, Robert's legs turn to jelly and he's unsure but he goes, and he knows exactly where to find Aaron.

 

 

::

 

 

He's got a missed call from Diane.

It makes him pull up on the side of the road and he hovers over the voicemail she has left him.

He can imagine her anger, he disappointment and he doesn't want to actually hear it. But something makes him press down on the button as he sits in his car, minutes away from Aaron.

"Robert love, it's Diane." Robert holds his breath. "I'm not angry, just a little confused that's all because - well Aaron's always been around hasn't he? And he's a lovely boy." He's twenty six, still a boy apparently. "And I wouldn't have minded if - if it was him you wanted to spend your life with instead." Robert's eyes gloss over, because she's being supportive and it isn't that bad and no one actually hates him.

Why did you think they would? A voice practically screams in his mind.

Because of dad. A voice screams back.

Well not everyone's like dad. Another says, silences them all.

"No one would pet." Diane continues. "And believe it or not, I'm proud of you for walking away from something you didn't really want. So go and find Aaron okay? And know that whatever happens, it'll be alright."

The line cuts off and Robert resists the urge to cry.

He just sits in his car for a minute and then he's pressing on the radio and he's suddenly nineteen again and Aaron is blowing smoke in his face and he's having a cigarette too.

They're by the cricket pavilion and the Artic Monkeys are playing.

And Aaron is a little drunk, starts mouthing the words to 'Do I wanna know?'

And then Robert kisses him hungrily and everything just falls away from them both.

Their second proper kiss.

Robert wipes at his eyes hard and then slaps a hand against the wheel. He wills himself to just get going.

And then he's pulling up to the old shack. The one which isn't an old shack anymore.

He hasn't been since he got back from hospital but it's amazing. Aaron's fitted in long panelled windows and the sofas they ordered are pushed up against the blue walls.

Robert steps out of the car and looks at the wooden floor inside the building, the rug thrown over it, the television and the small units by the kitchen area.

And then he leans his forehead against the door, huffs out a sigh as he looks around and can't see Aaron.

"Aaron, will you let me in?" He's hiding, he must be. "Please. I need to talk to you." Robert gulps hard, realises he'll have to do it like this. "Did you see what happened?" Silence and the wind picks up around Robert. "Couldn't do it. And I know why. I always have."

His chin wobbles, he shakes his head. "Because whether you believe me or not, I'm in love with you Aaron. I've never been able to get over you, what we had, what I missed out on."

And Robert just sends it into the atmosphere and his shoulders aren't as heavy anymore.

Because he loves Aaron. He's always known that. Yet he's always buried that too.

Always.

Because it was easier to pretend than it was to hurt.

Robert waits, thinks, hopes that his words have meant something but he doesn't hear anything and then he's blowing out a breath.

"I understand." It hurts, but he has to let him go. "I get it, I'll - I'll go." Robert whispers, peels himself away from the door and realises suddenly that he has to let Aaron go, he has to.

"Did you mean that?" He hears and suddenly Aaron's a few feet away from him, hands in his pockets, puffer jacket on.

Robert turns bright red and gulps hard, "Yeah." He whispers, and Aaron looks so scared suddenly. "I always have." He shrugs, shakes his head. "And I know it's pointless telling you know because -"

"It isnt." Aaron whispers and Robert doesn't think he's heard correctly, comes closer and then Aaron shudders. "You didn't marry her." He says, eyes glassy.

Robert shakes his head, "I couldn't." He gulps, "After all this time, _I_ hadn't even signed the papers myself. And I know why."

Aaron blows out a breath, stares at Robert. "You love me?" He gets out, like he almost can't believe it.

And then Robert's stepping forward. "Yeah." He admits. "I love you Aaron. And I'm so sorry it's taken me so long, I don't expect you to -"

Aaron comes closer suddenly, makes Robert gasp as their foreheads practically touch. "I've been in love with you since I was seventeen." He admits, mouth pressed against Robert's ear and making him shiver like he's telling him a secret.

It makes Robert shudder against him, then he's holding at Aaron's face. "You still love me?" He almost asks and Aaron nods, then Robert's catching Aaron's tears and he's kissing him passionately.

He's free from doubt or hesitancy and then they're stumbling into the community centre and they're christening the floor like teenagers.

And it's not just about having sex.

It's about fitting with someone perfectly again and being madly in love and allowing yourself to be.

Aaron's found a blanket, drapes it over their naked bodies after they are exhausted and Robert has a hand on Aaron's chest. Aaron's combing through Robert's hair and he smiles softly.

"Still the best I've ever had." Robert admits, can't stop grinning as they try and catch their breath back.

"Not the worst." Aaron comments, teasing and Robert pokes at his side before looking more serious.

"I need to tell you something else." Robert whispers, sits up a little as Aaron holds onto his hand. He forgot how affectionate Aaron was whenever they were alone. Robert blows out a breath and gulps. "It's about why I left." And it pains Aaron, that much is clear.

"I don't want to talk about that." Aaron says, tries to dismiss it. "You're sorry aren't you, for leaving?" Robert's nods. "Then that's all that -"

"I never wanted to go Aaron. I didn't just _leave_ you." And it's almost insulting that Aaron would ever think it was that simple. Aaron frowns, looks confused. "Dad made me go."

Aaron's eyes widen and then Robert's almost completely red now, all blotchy. "He - he made you -"

Robert nods. "He caught us Aaron. He found out all about us and - and he _hurt_ me." He can still remember it, feels this need to be held and then Aaron's letting go of his hand like he thinks he needs space. He doesn't. "Leathered me like - like I'd done something so wrong." Aaron has tears in his eyes. "So I ran, and you wanted to go away too and - and I was in love with you wasn't I? I wanted to keep you close. And then we were getting married and it was amazing. But he wouldn't have let us be. I had to go." It comes out in a jumble of words and Robert's surprised that Aaron's heard.

Aaron bites down on his lip. "I - I could have come with ya, we could have gone away together."

Robert gulps, "I wanted that." He whispers, "But you had your mum and - a whole family and -" he shrugs his shoulders and then he's looking towards the floor. "I never wanted to leave you like that."

There's this softness between them and suddenly Robert isn't too proud to ask for comfort.

"I don't know what to say." Aaron admits, just looks so sorry.

"Can you just hug me?" Robert whispers, and then Aaron's slowly coming closer and wrapping his arms around him tightly. He's safety, Aaron, he always has been.

When Aaron pulls away Robert smiles softly at him, kisses him gently again and again and again and then he's burying his head into Aaron's neck.

"I love you." Robert whispers, looks up at Aaron. "You know I'll keep saying that and annoying you from now on?" He says and Aaron rolls his eyes playfully, but there's something there, he almost looks touched, he almost looks like he'll never get tired of hearing it. "Because I do and I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm -"

Robert freezes and then Aaron's cupping his face and nodding. "It's okay, it's okay to admit that -"

"I like both. I'm bisexual."

And yeah it feels like the clouds part and the sun is shining down on him and somebody out there is screaming 'FINALLY' and it's okay.

Because the world isn't splitting in two.

And Aaron's still cupping his face.

"I like both," Robert smiles nervously.

"But you like me best?" Aaron teases, eyes shimmering with tears as though he's proud of Robert.

Robert nods, smiles info a kiss. "I like you best." He whispers and for a second it's perfect, it's so soft and slow between them and then Robert's looking at Aaron's chest properly and he can't rip his eyes away.

"I'll tell you why." Aaron whispers, "One day. Soon. Just - not now." He says and Robert doesn't say anything. "They always ruin things." He gets out, almost chastising himself and Robert doesn't want that.

"They're not ruining this." Robert promises, and then he's looking outside and seeing that the sun is just about to set. He looks at Aaron and sighs. "Suppose we have to face the real world." He whispers, "Husband."

He almost is teasing and then he watches the look on Aaron's face. He looks like he can't think of anything worse.

"Shit sorry." Robert gets out, suddenly stands and starts looking for his underwear. "I - I think I've read this wrong."

Aaron frowns, "Wait, Robert -"

Robert ruffles his hair. "Look I - maybe this - I'm sorry if I've assumed stuff but -" he looks around the room.

"What if we mess it up?" Aaron whispers, looks like a little boy as he sits there, blanket up to his shoulders. "I can't go through that again, I can't lose you again."

Robert gulps hard, comes towards Aaron. "You won't." He promises fiercely, "I can't keep away can I?" He whispers, holds Aaron's face. "It all leads back to you. Every single time."

Aaron shakes his head, "I was so hurt Rob."

And Robert knows, but he can't help the way he looks away guiltily.

Robert gulps, "I know, but I promise you, I'm going to spend the rest of my life making it up to you."

Aaron lets a tear roll down his face. "Don't say it like that." He says, "You don't owe me anything." He tells Robert and then he kisses him gently. "I just want us, it's all I've ever wanted. I don't care what anyone else thinks or -"

"Me either." Robert says boldly and then he smiles. "So, is it me and you then? For keeps?"

And Aaron nods, "For keeps." He whispers, promises.

Robert looks like he is going to cry but he fights against it, finds himself thanking his mum and the stars and then he's kissing Aaron again.

It feels like coming home.

 

 

::

 

 

_One Year, Two Months and Three Days later:_

  
Robert's standing in the mirror, and he doesn't know if Aaron'll like the suit he's wearing but he can hope.

It's a burgundy one, has a pocket and everything and the material is an expensive one, makes Robert smile a little and then he's got this feeling running through him which he can't explain.

Things have changed.

He makes a small sound as he looks around his room and sights a picture of Liv.

Aaron's little sister, long lost and all that.

She's squeezed in between them in the picture, it was taken on her birthday a few months.

It was days after the trial, and the upset, and the pain and yet Aaron was still able to smile.

It turns out Robert wasn't to blame for the self harm. It turns out that his own so called dad had a part to play.

And it broke Robert in the most unimaginable way.

Because it took Aaron months and months to get it out. To admit to it. To just say that -

His dad was a fucking waste of skin.

His dad -

_[ "He hurt me, in the worst way Rob." Aaron said, one night, in the darkness of the community centre._

_The place credited in the paper._

_Robert frowned, confused by the panic written all over Aaron's face and the way he cold barely breathe. He just wanted to hold him suddenly._

_"Who hurt you?"_

_Robert tried to step forward and Aaron stepped back._

_"I should have told you when we were young, but I thought you'd hate me. I thought you'd pity me or something and -" Aaron bent his head. "My dad raped me Rob. He raped me."_

_And the world stopped spinning. ]_

Robert straightens his tie and then thinks about the nights Aaron spent crying, what spurred it all on.

Apparently he'd seen Aaron's face in the paper, wormed his way back in and Chas fell for it.

And Aaron had snapped, spilled the truth everywhere and then it was suddenly court and police and they were finding him guilty.

Eighteen years. Sentenced. Gone forever.

Robert remembers the tears he shed himself suddenly, how dark everything seemed. But they found Liv, and she meddled and schemed and then _settled_ with them.

It's weird, it's maddening to think that she's his responsibility and he loves her. At first he compared her to Lachlan and it was hard, but then everything was easy suddenly and he cared without feeling like he had to.

_[ "Who's the jumped up Ken doll?" She said, frown harsh, eyes squinting as Aaron widened his._

_"My Robert." Aaron pushed out nervously. "My husband."_

_And Liv fought a smile as Robert winked at her. ]_

And she begrudgingly loved him back at first, happily later.

So out of the darkness came some light.

There's a knock on the door, little old light herself comes in and she's wearing a navy tunic dress.

"You finished looking at your ugly mug or?"

Robert turns towards her, sees Aaron, all of Aaron. "Enough of the cheek." He points at her and she smiles. "Not today. You're supposed to crying like Vic."

Vic, she'd gone and got pregnant, has literally bloomed over the past few months. She's actually glowing and Robert's happy for her, because she's happy, because Adam's settled himself down and Robert finds himself getting along with him just fine now.

Now that he knows that Aaron's truly happy with Robert.

Liv rolls her eyes, "Yeah right." She says, smiles a little and then slumps herself down on the bed. "You sure about this?" Robert frowns at her words. "About Aaron?"

And he can't ask her where she's got it from, because she knows what happened, she knows.

"Of course I am." Robert says, comes towards her and sits down on the bed with her and pushes at her shoulder gently. "And you. I'm sure about us being a family, this making it offical."

Liv bites her lip the way Aaron does, "I mean - it's just, things have happened fast for you haven't they? Coming out, me coming along and -"

It's unlike her to doubt herself, to doubt this fierce family she calls her own and Robert knows that. He comes closer towards her and then shakes his head slowly.

"What? Ruining it?" Liv looks away and Robert huffs. "You know how long I've wanted to have what I do now?" Liv looks back towards him. " _Years_. And yeah, it's been tough, harder than I could imagine but it's been worth it too because at the end of the day, I have you and I have Aaron. I still have him, despite everything, and I wouldn't swap that for anything now."

He'd come to the conclusion months ago. They'd been down to London for his birthday, Aaron's treat. It was by chance that Robert saw her, in the lift, wearing some pretty little jewelled dress. He'd taken the wrong turn and she called his name.

"Rebecca?" He said, shock and surprise written over his face as she dragged him into the lift and smiled at him. She looked exactly the same as he remembered.

And she was more than happy to spill the family beans.

Turned out Chrissie wasn't really Lawrence's child, which means she wasn't his heir. Rebecca was. After all this time.

"Looks like you bet on the wrong horse after all." She had teased, looked almost a little hurt by the way he didn't say much about it.

And he didn't because he genuinely had no interest in it anymore. He didn't care about them, all their money, or inheritance of whatever else.

"I need to go, Aaron's waiting for -"

"The love of your life?" Rebecca said, pressed her body against Robert's and he could smell her sweet perfume. It was new, he thought.

No one had referred to Aaron in such a way before then yet it was true.

"Or you could come back with me." Rebecca said. "Have a share in the business, go back to doing something you love."

Robert stared at her in disbelief, "Chrissie's your sister." He said, like he has to explain that to her.

Rebecca dropped her head. "Who hates me. Who disowned me because you suddenly wanted to be honest."

Robert shook his head, turned to press the button and get out of the lift.

"Come on Robert, I'm offering -"

"Yourself on a plate Bex." Robert said bluntly, pressed the button hard and sighed. "And it isn't attractive anymore." He feels sorry for suddenly and tries to say something nice but she says something nasty about Aaron never satisfying him the way she could and yeah he just takes it.

Causal bit of biphobia which he's still trying to get his head around.

The doors slid open and Robert went to walk out. "You know, you were right about one thing," Rebecca looked up and Robert smiled. "He is the love of my life." He shrugged his shoulders, "And you'll find yours too one day because he isn't me." It looked like it hurt her and he apologised before going.

Robert thinks of the memory, gulps hard and then he's smiling at Liv. "I have everything I need, right here." And he means in The Mill. The house they build together. Theirs.

Liv looks convinced and stands up as Robert does, then hugs at his waist and smiles. "Thank you." She whispers and then Robert kisses her head, suddenly sees Aaron by the door dressed in a blue suit.

He looks amazing, and Robert has to catch his breath.

Liv leaves them to it and Aaron comes towards Robert.

"How much of that did you hear?" Robert wonders and Aaron lets out a small smile, then grabs at Robert's waist.

"Enough." He says vaguely and Robert feels him kiss his lips slowly.

"Oi, we've got to wait a few hours until that." Robert says, pulls away and lets out a laugh which makes Aaron's face light up.

"Not really." Aaron shrugs, "We've been here before haven't we?" And Robert warms.

"Not exactly the same way, not like this." Robert says, makes a point of it as he looks at Aaron's suit. "Your suit actually fits ya for starters."

Aaron laughs, rubs against Robert's right arm and then he's smiling. "Feelings are the same though aren't they?"

And _God_ , if you had asked Robert at nineteen if he would have been with someone and loved them to the same extent as he did when he was just a teenager, eight years later, he would have told you it wasn't possible. He was a cyclical shit back then.

"Stronger I reckon." Robert whispers, tilts his head as Aaron's eyes begin to water. "Hey, what's -"

Aaron gulps. "Over this past year," he tilts his head. "I'm sorry I didn't give us longer to be happy."

And yeah Aaron still manages to break his heart.

"Aaron," Robert drags him closer until they are touching foreheads. "We'll have _years_." He whispers, and Aaron nods. "And for the record, this year, I've - I've never been happier." He admits, feels like he _can_.

Aaron sniffs, like he doesn't believe it. "I love you." He tells Robert, soft, gentle, filled with so much meaning and tenderness.

And Robert just hugs him, envelops him with a delicate love and doesn't let him go.

He doesn't want to.

 

 

::

 

 

They're walking in, hand in hand, and Chas is sniffling as they pass her.

Chas, who took a while to thaw with good reason. Chas, who admitted that Robert wasn't actually scum and who even said something about him being what Aaron needed as they awaited the verdict of the trial.

_[ "You've mended his heart more than you've broke it." She commented, a hand on her hip and a softness about her. "And for that, I'm grateful."_

_And Robert nearly fell over. ]_

Vic has tissues out, holds her stomach as Adam stands there holding Aaron's ring as Andy holds Robert's.

Harriet's there, and she's welcoming the few there. She's talking about their love, their happiness, how happy she is to get to bless their marriage.

And butterflies explode in Robert's stomach.

He remembers Aaron asking him, having an argument about really.

[ _"I'm just saying, I felt like a twat when I said I was married and I didn't have a ring to prove it." Aaron said, kicking his boots off, coming towards the sofa._

_Robert sat, seething, because some guy had dared to ask Aaron out for a drink._

_"Prove it?" Robert frowned, "Didn't realise jewellery mattered to -"_

_Aaron rolled his eyes, "Piss off." He grumbled out. "You know I didn't mean it like that."_

_Robert folded his arms over. "Well how did you mean it?" He asked, titling his head._

_Aaron goes to speak and then he waves a hand out, "Forget it." He said, annoyed._

_But Robert doesn't want to let it go, he can't. "Aaron -"_

_"I want us to get married again!" Aaron screamed, and Liv was suddenly on the stairs and Robert's eyes widened. "Properly this time." He whispered and Robert had no idea it actually mattered to Aaron._

_Not in the grand scheme of things._

_Robert didn't say anything and Aaron looked like he wanted to cry, suddenly darted out into the garden and Liv looked at Robert._

_"Well go on then." She said, "Put him out of his misery."_

_And Robert looked stunned, it hadn't been been that long. Chas was already wary about them moving in together so soon._

_"You wouldn't mind?" Robert asked, and then Liv smiled._

_"Nah." She said, stared at Robert for a second, or two. "You'll do."_

_Robert scoffed, "For life?"_

_Liv shrugged, "Well when you put it like that -" and then Robert laughed. "Yeah." She said seriously._  
  
And that was enough to make Robert disappear out into the garden, find Aaron kicking against the grass.

_"Go away Rob." Aaron got out, looked like he was fighting the urge to cry. "I mean it."_

_And that basically meant he didn't at all._

_Robert came closer and then he was spinning Aaron round, smiling softly and Aaron looks up at him, looks almost scared._

_"You didn't even ask me properly, I have some standards." Robert said, smiled even bigger as Aaron's eyes widened. "Go on, down on one knee, not both."_

_Aaron went to speak, then hit at Robert's chest and then slowly bent down. The grass was wet, the sky velvet._

_"Robert, do you fancy marrying me again?" He said and Robert didn't even wait a second before he was saying yes, kissing at Aaron's mouth and then they were slipping, falling back on the grass and laughing like idiots._

_And yeah. Engaged. Like proper grown up people._ ]

Robert looks over at Aaron and smiles, and then they're having to say vows and Liv is all red and puffy and it's so soft.

"Robert." Aaron says, bites at his lip. "I didn't think we'd ever get here, have this, but we have and I'll always be grateful for you, for what you have given me. You'll never know how much you mean because I'm awful at words and I wouldn't be able to describe it anyways." Robert smiles, watches Aaron sniff. "Just know that I loved you then, I love you now, and I'll love you tomorrow too."

And the sentiment behind it is almost overwhelming.

Robert drops his head, then raises it and holds Aaron's hand. "It hasn't been easy, and I haven't giving us happiness, I've denied that because of a million different things but right now - none of that matters." He says and Aaron nods. "Because I'm married to my best mate, and I love him, and I've got a kid sister. I have a home with you Aaron, I always did. And I won't ever, ever ruin that again. I promise." He gets out, just about manages to. "Because I'm so in love with you Aaron, it's almost embarrassing."

Everyone seems to laugh softly and Aaron smiles.

"Yeah, I know the feeling." He says and then they're repeating lines, saying vows and then they've got wedding rings on their hand's.

And it feels so right, feels like it's all meant to be like this.

Then they're kissing, and they're smiling into it without a care in the world and everything hasn't crumbled to the ground just yet.

And Robert can't believe it's real.

He thinks of his father, a flash of a frown and sadness and anger and then it suddenly melts away and he's saying something like "You always keep the ones you love." And the raging sea in Robert's mind stops moving altogether.

 

 

::

 

They dance.

Or Aaron shuffles his feet along in time to the music and then waves a hand out once the song is over.

Robert finds him outside, beer on the wooden bench and a smile on his face.

"Mr Sugden?" Robert teases and Aaron raises his head, it makes Robert's heart skip a beat.

Robert sits down next to him and senses something sad run through his husband. "Aaron?" He asks, tries to sober up quickly as Aaron's eyes turn glassy.

"Thank you." Aaron whispers, suddenly pulls a hand over Robert's. "For doing this, making it official or whatever."

Robert kisses at Aaron's head, "My pleasure, husband dearest." He says, "I always love a good party." He laughs and then Aaron nods slowly.

"Didn't think it was possible you know," Aaron sniffs out, rubs a hand over his face as Robert frowns. "Loving you more than I did when we first kissed." And Robert's eyes widen in surprise because Aaron isn't soppy like this. "But I do, and it terrifies me. The thought of losing you now is -"

Robert shuffles forward, "You're not going to lose me." He says, passion laced in his tone.

Aaron gulps, looks towards Robert. "Good." He says softly. "Because I - I want everything with you."

And he knows what everything means.

Dogs.

Dinner dates.

Kids.

School runs.

Fights.

The make ups.

"Everything." Robert whispers, "We'll have everything, I promise you." He says gently, and the wind picks up around them, "You know I've never been this happy, and it's because of you."

And Aaron pulls a face. "Yeah right."

Robert frowns, practically scowls. "You turned my whole life upside down." He says, like it's obvious. "You idiot."

And that makes Aaron laugh into Robert's neck, suddenly a little lighter like Robert has made things better just by sitting with him. "Love you." He mumbles and Robert kisses his head again.

"Love you too." Robert gets out, and then he feels a rush of something hit him. "Only you." He says, the importance of his words hang heavy in the air and they are suddenly in a hotel room again and Aaron's making butterflies burst out all over the sheets.

And Aaron looks like he's remembering it as he sits there, holding onto Robert. A tear fall down his face and he calls Robert a soppy idiot, and Mardy Bum spills out of the pub, Artic Monkeys still making Robert feel like a teenager.

"Only you." Aaron repeats, hand cupping Robert's face and smiling. And then Liv is coming out, complaining of a headache and Aaron rolls his eyes at her. "Should we go home?" Aaron winces as he asks Robert. "Do you mind?"

And the question is almost ridiculous.

Does he care that he has a home to go to, filled with tat they don't need and about a dozen hair bobbles Liv leaves where she likes? No. Not for a second.

"Course not." Robert says, and yeah he's holding Aaron's hand, tipsily spinning them both the whole way there, hearing Liv call them broth gross, and everything is alright.

It's different yeah, and he's not who he thought he wanted to be.

But it's alright, Robert thinks, more than alright.

Because he gets to repeat a wedding night, he smirks, shuts the door of his home behind him as he thinks about it and then tosses Liv the spare headphones.

And yeah, the future is different, it isn't filled with holidays to the South of France or schmoozing clients at conferences, but it's something better than all of that combined.

It's bright.

(And Robert won't let it fade.)

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it and it wasn't too long and boring! ;)


End file.
